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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

should i meet this woman

22 replies

imnotin · 18/08/2010 20:00

hi guys, im new and was just after your opinions.

Well a year and a half ago my mum passed away suddenly and obviously still realy miss her.

Six weeks ago my dad told me out of the blue that he had met someone else,was quite upset at first as they had been married for over twenty years but realised that he has got a life to get on with...

Ok ill get to the point now,he keeps asking me to meet her and to be honest i realy dont want to at the moment just dont feel ready, i have told him how i feel but think hes getting annoyed,dont think he understands.

Am ibu or is it ok to feel like i dont ha

Thanks for reading, sorry so long!

OP posts:

Original poster

imnotin · 18/08/2010 20:02

sorry
Am ibu or is it ok to feel like i dont have to meet her

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 18/08/2010 20:04

this happened to me.

i met her,she's lovely.....found it far easier than my brother tho,he really struggled

sanielle · 18/08/2010 20:04

I don't think YABU. I wouldn't avoid it forever.. but at the end of the day just because he's moved on doesn't mean you have. He may feel a little guilty and want you to make it ok.

pebblejones · 18/08/2010 20:04

Explain to your Dad that you are happy he is happy and support him completely but don't feel ready to meet her just yet and that you still need a bit of time to come to terms with his new relationship.
YANBU

MsHighwater · 18/08/2010 20:07

tbh, it doesn't immediately seem to me that your dad has found a new partner with indecent haste so I think it might be good if you could bring yourself to meet her. Your dad can move on to a new relationship without dishonouring your mum's memory in any way.

But, if you are really not ready, you might have to talk honestly to your dad about why you feel that way. Your mum has gone, but your dad probably still needs your support so I think it would be a good idea to take care of that relationship. If it's going to really upset you, then don't meet her but you need to face up to why it's such a problem and try to get past it.

sorrento56 · 18/08/2010 20:08

Think about why you don't want to meet her, then think about if you are being unreasonable.

Original poster

imnotin · 18/08/2010 20:11

Thank for your replies,

In a way i think that i should meet her, but then think that i realy just couldnt face it,probably just have to give it a while then see what happens

sanielle thats exactly how i feel, why should i need to move on just because he has?

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 18/08/2010 20:23

YANBU

be nice about it, but its very early days

god men do seem to m0ve on fast dont they..???

Atlasive · 18/08/2010 20:38

YANBU to feel the way you do. However I think you should meet her. I think putting it off might not help.

sdr · 18/08/2010 20:43

Have heard the comment many times, that when a widow/widower moves on what may be considered for the rest of the family a bit quicker than they're comfortable with - it is because they were so happy in their marriage and don't want to be alone.

Hope that makes sense.

sorrento56 · 18/08/2010 21:01

I have heard similar too. People who have had a happy marriage often want to recreat it.

VelmaKelly · 18/08/2010 21:29

I agree with Sorrento. Same thing happened to me, but my parents had been married for over 40 years. At first I was a bit upset, until someone said to me that it was a compliment to my mum that dad wanted a new relationship. ie: that he had been happy in the marriage and partnership. He didn't marry his first lady friend, but he did marry the second. She's a really nice person, and he's happy and living a full and energetic life. (so energetic I rarely see him, but that's another thread!)

floweryblue · 18/08/2010 21:36

Agree with Atlasive.

Morloth · 18/08/2010 21:39

If it helps I once heard the comment that women outlive their men but it isn't that often that men outlive their women. So it is probably really good for your Dad that he has someone. I know I would want DH to find someone if I died before him (unlikely because he will probably die of irritating husband syndrome).

YANBU, but don't hold off too long, she isn't in any way a replacement for your Mum, but your Dad needs to find what happiness he can as well.

Garbled post, sorry.

QuickLookBusy · 18/08/2010 21:51

I know exactly how you feel.

But, although you might find it hard, for the sake of your dad you should try to think about meeting his friend.

You could just meet for a quick cup of tea, maybe on neutral ground? I couldnt cope at the moment with meeting another man in my parents house, but maybe in a cafe or nice pub?

needafootmassage · 18/08/2010 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Myleetlepony · 18/08/2010 22:31

I think you should balance the fact that you think it's too soon against how much you could be hurting your dad with your actions. This lady hasn't done any harm, and it sounds as if she is making your dad happy. Your dad has had a lonely 18 months.

zipzap · 18/08/2010 22:40

I've been in the same situation, albeit for my mum after losing dad.

First partner - he obviously cared for her lots but he had divorced his wife a few years previously and was moving on in his life, he was never particularly comfortable with photos of dad still being around because he had no photos of his ex wife around altho he did have kids/gkids photos and stay in touch with them. Nor did he like him coming up in conversation. They eventually grew apart.

Second time around, partner was suddenly widowed around the same time my dad had died. He's a lovely chap and both of them know that they wouldn't be with each other if it weren't for their tragic and unexpected losses. THey both have plenty of photos of their previous partners around and will often reminisce. Family and friends on both sides have taken to this 'new' (8+ years) partner and it's really nice that they have somebody close as they get older. Neither of them are interested in getting married to each other, but are very happy together.

And I must admit, I do like this one much better than the first one who irritated me a bit .

THink what I am trying to say is, it's always going to be weird but hopefully your dad will find happiness and not try to replace your mother and forget about her but will continue to love her and as well will be able to love someone else.

gtamom · 19/08/2010 08:38

I understand how you feel. I am sure she would understand if you need more time to adjust to the idea of your father dating.
I also agree, he must of had a happy marriage, and must be terribly lonely. I have to,d my dh I want him to remarry if I croak first, I can't bear the though of him elderly and alone.
We never know what tomorrow may bring, if she helps mend his broken heart, that is a good thing.
What do you think your mum would advise?

louvert · 19/08/2010 09:01

Could you pop round briefly to fetch / borrow something when you know that she'll be there?

So that it becomes something low-key rather than a big build up and "xxx meet my daughter imnotin", everyone in their best hat and coat making awkward small talk over a pub lunch etc.

Just somehow think that it might be easier done casually.

jennymac · 19/08/2010 09:05

YANBU, it sounds like you understand that your Dad has moved on a bit and are happy for him but it is different for him as he can find a new partner (and hopefully a new love) but you will never have another mum. If you think that meeting this woman will really upset you, then try to come to terms with it first in your own head. My sister died 8 years ago, and her boyfriend has kept in touch with my family. He got engaged last year, and while my mum and I were very happy for him, we still felt sad as it was a reminder that he was moving on and doing things (like having a family) that my sister never would.

fedupofnamechanging · 19/08/2010 09:38

I think you should only meet this woman when and if you are ready to and I actually think it is U of your father to put pressure on you or get angry because you are not yet ready.

People handle grief differently. He has met someone who is filling part of the hole left by your mums death, you haven't got anyone to help fill that hole for you. I would turn it around on him and ask how he would feel if you met someone and wanted them to be your new mum. He would probably not be entirely happy with that, but it's exactly what he is doing - meeting someone to be his new partner.

I'm not saying he is right/wrong to do so, as everyone is different, but I do think he is wrong to expect you to do things his way.

Flip