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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

in saying the prayer at my friends wedding even though I am seriously lapsed and may not even believe in God?

9 replies

theidsalright · 17/08/2010 15:44

short story:
friend of 25 years asked me today to read a prayer at her (catholic) wedding.

I am honoured but am on shaky potentially hypocritical ground.

DH (atheist) thinks I should just do it as
a)it's not about me, it's her day and she wants me to do it
b) I can believe the sentiment even if I don't get the God bit so the specific words don't matter.

Does the hypocrisy matter? AIBU if I do it (the option I am leaning towards)

OP posts:
JodiesMummy · 17/08/2010 15:46

I agree with your DH - its doing a nice thing for your friend on her special day, and as you said, you accept the sentiment behind the prayer.

nickelbabe · 17/08/2010 15:51

i had this dilemma at my wedding - i asked my friend to do a reading, but she was worried that she might not bethe right person because she's now an atheist.

I say do it - as your DH says, you're doing it for your friend.
even if you don't believe the prayer is going to God, the prayer is still going out into the minds of all the people at the wedding, and that's quite powerful anyway.

and words always mean different things to different people, so she will gain the same from it whether you say it or a believer does.

TheFallenMadonna · 17/08/2010 15:53

If it doesn't matter to your friend (which it obviously doesn't) and it doesn't matter to you, then it doesn't matter.

EmmalinaC · 17/08/2010 15:56

I agree with your DH but if you feel really, really uncomfortable about it perhaps you should tell your friend and ask if you can read something else? A poem rather than a prayer, for example.

sanielle · 17/08/2010 15:57

I'd do it, as long as I wasn't uncomfortable with the sentiment, which you say you arent.

IfGraceAsks · 17/08/2010 15:57

Another vote for Do It Anyway :)
I like to paraphrase "god" (silently) as "the universe" or even "all of us here". As a non-believer, it's just a word to me - which one I use matters to them, not me, so I use their choice.

BikeRunSki · 17/08/2010 16:03

I (atheist) have been in this situation. My Catholic sister asked me to read at her wedding and also at her daughter's christening:

1 - A wedding my sister had chosen the reading. I read it, but did not say Amen. I work on the basis that if you don;t say Amen, then it doesn't count.

2 - At my niece's Christening, I chose my own reading and chose a very, very nearly secular passage.

Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

I changed the penultimate verse to
Therefore be at peace with the Earth,
however you see it,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your self.

In either situation, I would have felt extremley uncomfortable doing a "proper" sacred reading and only did the wedding one as my sister was a complete Bridezilla. I initially said that I would not do it, and cause huge ructions. My mother smoothed the way with the Amen-less compromise. I also had my fingers crossed!

Heracles · 17/08/2010 17:49

Your DH is perfectly correct. Don't tell him that, obviously, but he is.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/08/2010 18:07

I'm an atheist, but if i agreed with the sentiments of the verse, I'd do it.

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