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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be forced into having a secon child

43 replies

chilipepper27 · 17/08/2010 15:30

i had my ds only six weeks ago and already people are asking me when im going to have another , i love my son with all my heart but until ten months ago i wasnt even sure if i wanted kids and i have only ever wanted one, when i tell people this i have had every response from looks of horror to being told i am being cruel denying my ds a brother or sister , aibu ? should i pln to have another for my ds sake? would love peoples opinions as i am new to all this

OP posts:

Indaba · 17/08/2010 17:21

Yep. Thats the one.....the article in the physical magazine ran for about 5 pages so you might try to see whole article there.

Original poster

chilipepper27 · 17/08/2010 18:18

hi first of all thank you for your lovely messages i am a first time mum and the first of my group of friends to have a baby so they dont really know how im feeling ,its nice to get the opinions of others who have been through it all it really helps.

morriszap i feel you are being rather harsh , i am not going to have another chid just because my family suggest it , what i mean when i say i feel forced is that i have a huge extended family most of whom have asked if i want another one and nearly all of them have said its cruel not to give my ds a sibling, as i would do anything for my ds this makes me feel really guilty and therefore pressured into thinking about another,
i could be feeling over sensitive i havent had more than four hours sleep for the past six weeks and seem to get a fresh influx of hormones daily

OP posts:

PosieParker · 17/08/2010 18:26

Chili, right now is not the time to be thinking about the benefits of having more than one child, there are many, and I'm sure (although biased against) that there are good reasons for sticking with one. Most people get a hormonal surge when dc1 is about two, by that time you have forgotten how tiring it all is!!

Simply reply that you're thoroughly enjoying your baby and couldn't think of anything else right now.

Morloth · 17/08/2010 18:34

I took me 4 years after having DS to even begin to entertain the thought of another.

Tell them the one you have is perfect and you don't need to keep trying for one that you like.

femalevictormeldrew · 17/08/2010 18:37

Next time someone asks you, say "No plans yet, and when will you be having your next bowel movement". Knock the smile off them then.

QueenofDreams · 17/08/2010 18:49

It really is none of anyone else's business. Your baby is only 6 weeks old, why the hell would you be thinking of the next one?!

DOn't make any decisions now, and don't let any pressure from family influence your decision. This choice is between you and your DH/P. DP and I never even told anyone we were trying for DC2. It's none of anyone's business. (DC2 yet to arrive btw, due December :))

colditz · 17/08/2010 18:50

Nobody's forcing you to do anything. Calm down a little bit.

colditz · 17/08/2010 18:51

When people go on about you having another baby, tell them to piss off and mind their own business.

colditz · 17/08/2010 18:52

to be honest, It's going to be at LEAST 6 months before it's even a possibility, and you have the rest of your life to do it, so there's no hurry at all.

buzzin · 17/08/2010 19:40

Who cares what other people think, its your decision & yours to make or 'un make' whenever you want. Some people have one, some have three or four, or more. Some have none. Everone is different which is good, imagine if we all had the same views. How boring. It's entirely up to the individual. I had two and don't plan to have any more, but i'll never say never, I can change my mind if I want.

Spacehopper5 · 17/08/2010 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 17/08/2010 20:30

I think I told people I wanted to enjoy my DC and have some special time with them before even thinking of another... THEN I got broody... and DD came along almost 2 yrs to the day.. and THEN you get the comments about having them close (?!), and that you are very clever/lucky etc to have one of each cos you can stop now... LOL In reply to the clever comment I THINK I might have said something about it being DH that must be the clever one... LOL

Oh and everyone thught DD would be a boy because of the way I was carrying. I was convinced she was in fact a she (had no actual evidence other than intuition), and got a bit upset by the end (hormones and all that). Anyway, one person was so convinced that when I wheeled her into chucrh (in a P and T, so hidden away), said, "where is HE then.....". I had deliberatly put my 5day old baby in a pink dress...

Snobear4000 · 18/08/2010 11:39

Wow. This is a recurring theme. People with more than one kid often want to insist that other people do the same. It's a feeling of, "That worked well for me so everyone else should do it".

That's the same as saying, "I'm straight and it worked out OK so all you gays should go straight".

Or, "I vote Tory so I'll try to convince all my friends to do the same".

Or, "I'm Catholic so I'll try to convert all my CofE and athiest friends".

The above statements would all be considered socially unacceptable and rude, however insisting that all and sundry have more than one child is something that I hear almost every day. Why?

Why?

Rude, presumptuous bastards. Tell them the world is overpopulated and whilst you desire to have a child, you want to leave a negative impact on population growth.

Or just tell them you developed fibroids or some such womb-wrecking ailment.

emptyshell · 18/08/2010 12:37

I've had it for years with people telling me I've got no maternal urges and they could never see me and hubby with kids - really offensive when we'd been trying for 3+ years to have one.

Now I'm pregnant they're all making the assumption we're just going to have one... we're actually wanting two, with a relatively small age gap (there's almost a decade between me and lil' bro).

Somehow people can't help but keep their gobs shut and noses out - there's nowt quite like someone who only knows half the story making assumptions huh?

I'd be tempted to do an exaggreatedly hormonal tearful mother routine on them, burst into theatrical tears about how you feel your pelvic floor's suffering subsidence, you've got mahoosive piles, feel like yer boobs are dangling around your kneecaps and YOU'RE ALREADY BUGGING ME TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE!!! WAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

That should get them running about 2 miles the opposite way in terror (double the speed and distance for the average man when confronted with a hormonal woman)!

thumbwitch · 20/08/2010 06:25

Tell em you're not ever letting your DH near your bits again after the last result - offer to show them the stitches (whether or not you have any ) and see them run!

Seriously though - it's way too soon to even think about it, they are being overly pushy and you should do what is right for you and your own little family. If you want to know more about the feelings of people with one child only (throught choice or circumstance) look on the One Child Family board instead.

Welcome to AIBU!

xstitch · 20/08/2010 09:43

YANBU it is incredibly annoying when people do that. It is just as annoying when you want another child and can't for whatever reason. Someone told me 'Oh its easy you just spread your legs' when I replied its not that simple to the 'why don't you have another yet?' My reply to that was : 'Oh I don'r have any problem conceiving, just staying pregnant, its a little thing called a miscarriage' Sou proud of myself that I didn't burst into tears.

I like your idea emptyshell

Jamieandhismagictorch · 20/08/2010 09:47

I find it very weird people are asking when your first is only 6 weeks old. IMO people leave it at least a year. How strange

I sympathise - before I had DCs I only wanted one, and also for a long time after that. But I did have 2 and am very happy with that. Nothing would induce me to have another one though (although people do ask in a kindly way - sometimes because they assume I want a girl)

How can you know how you'll feel in the future?

StableButDeluded · 20/08/2010 10:12

Ignore them, they're talking rubbish and you're too tired and hormonal to think straight at the moment. Whatever your situation regarding your children (or lack of) people will always have an opinion to foist on you. My DS is an only child conceived via IVF. I would have liked another but my age and our finances mean it is just not possible or sensible to try. I still get people who know it took us ten years to conceive DS asking if I'm going to have more children

One even said 'Oh, but if you don't have another, who's DS going to have when you're gone?' Stupid cow.

Just concentrate on enjoying the child you have for now. If and when you have more is your choice, and your child will be just as happy with or without siblings because he is loved and wanted.

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