to not want to ask my parents to come on holiday with us?

[LaDiDaDi]

Longish story.

My DGM is in a nursing home with dementia, in May when my parents were on holiday abroad she was admitted to hospital and was very ill with pneumonia and was subsequently diagnosed with underlying lung cancer. She remains very frail in her nursing home. My parents subsequently cancelled their main summer holiday in June/July as my mum did not want to be out of the country and leave my dgm so unwell, particularly as my dgf is dead and my mum is an only child.

My dp has massive anxiety issues for which he has been paying privately to see a psychologist. A huge anxiety issue is holidays, such that last year we cancelled our holiday 3 weeks before departure as he was too scared . He has been working towards us going away this year and we have booked to go for a week from 25th of this month. I'm really hopeful that we will have a good time as a family.

Dp had asked me to consider asking my parents to come with us, I said that I wouldn't ask them due to my dgm's circumstances. He thinks that if they came it would "ease the pressure" on him and that I am being unreasonable to not ask them. I feel that I cannot ask my mother to choose between me and her mother, especially as I know how guilty she felt when my dgm was ill when she was away last time. I would also feel guilty, and angry towards dp tbh, if my dgm died alone whilst we were all on our hols. There would be no other family members who could visit my dgm whilst we are away as my mothers two cousins will also be on holiday.

So, AIBU not to even ask my mother/parents?

I would ask myself

• do I want my parents on my holiday?
• would they feel pressurised into coming?

If the answers are yes it would be nice to have them and no they would be happy to say no if they didn't want to come, then I think you could ask them. They might really want to come along with you.

If the thought of having them along makes you shudder with horror, and/or you think they might feel pressurised to come with you to help out, then YANBU and you shouldn't ask them.

Why would their presence 'ease the pressure' on him? Would it give him an excuse to not come as you had some help? Why on earth did you all cancel last year - why didn't you just go without him?

Not what you asked I realise but trying to work out the dynamic?

However if you think your mum wouldn't like to leave her mother to go on holiday then yes I think you shouldn't put her in that position.

I don't understand why having your parents would ease the pressure for your Dp? I would think having your DM with you whilst she was constantly worried about her own DM and whilst you were worried something may happen to your DGM while your DM was with you would do nothing but add to the pressure/anxiety on everyone.

I would think it very selfish if one of my DD's put me in that position.

Why does your DP feel pressurised about the holiday? Why does he feel having your parents there would help him?

Would he be happier if you were going without him?

IT doesn't sound as if it is a suitable time for your parents to be going on holiday with you. If they won't feel obliged to say yes, you could mention your DPs request to them, but as though you are expecting them to say no.

But I think the bigger issues is you, taking any pressure off your DP. Find out other ways to do this.

What about his own parents?

YANBU to not ask your parents under those circumstances

We didn't go without him because I was pregnant with ds and wouldn't have wanted to go with dd alone.

I think that dp would much rather that we just didn't go anywhere, I'm not sure how he would feel if we went without him.

I'm not sure if I would want my parents to go tbh, I'm not sure that they "get" dp's anxiety iyswim. I feel like dp wants them to come so that he could sit in a corner and stress and they could help me with dc. I want him to be involved with us and to at least have to try to deal with his anxiety rather than have an easy way to get out iyswim. Dp actually said last night "under normal circumstances I'm not sure I'd want them to come" and about his motives tbh.

I think that, if it were not for my dgm, then my mum in particular would love to come with us but I also feel that they would feel obligated to say yes if I asked. I feel, as Lisa says, that it would be extremely selfish to even ask under the current circumstances.

Simple then - don't ask your parents. If dp has a wobbly go without him! Not really fair to deprive your dcs of a holiday becuase of his anxieties.

Or to deprive you!

I wouldn't ask them, under the circumstances if I were you.

I'm sorry your dp has such anxiety, and hope he will enjoy the week and unwind a little bit.

We have an appointment with his psychologist this afternoon, will see what he has to say about it all.

how does the anxiety manifest?

will dp blame you if he gets attack and it will be because you didnt ask your parents?

i think you stuck between rock and hard place... your DP is thinking having your parents will solve his anxiety - it may be will or may be wont.

what strategies has your DP worked out for dealing with the anxiety?

how come you booked a week away - have you already done small trips eg day out, followed by one night away, building to two, three?

going for one week at once could well be too much?

is it somehwere DP been before?
what exactly is he anxious about?

you dont ahve to say - but all things for you to talk with psychologist...

and agree with oterhs - if holiday is for you adn DCS then go on your own with them....take DP on small one night trip away first.

I don't think I'd ask them along at this stage nor is it likely it would be a break for them. What is it he gets anxious about and how does it affect his behaviour? Can you put strategies in place and agree a plan if he needs time out while you are away.

We have been on a long daytrip away and then an overnight stay already this summer. The psychologist also advised doing a short UK flight but dp did not organise this.

We are going somewhere that we went 2 years ago, same place exactly.

He just gets massively panicky, lots of physical sensations. Even when he is not in the middle of a fully fledged attack then he appears stressed.
I know that it must be awful for him but I really feel that he has massively let me down in the past, at times when I have really needed him, because of his anxiety. I feel that his anxiety seems to constantly trump any wishes or needs of mine or the dc.

Your dp sounds hard work. I don't get how having someone else's parents on holiday with him would make things less stressful for him. I'd find a holiday with other people's relatives (or even my own sometimes) more stressful.
Is he just not into kids, that's the only reason I can think of for him wanting your parents to tag along.
I'd be booking a self catering cottage somewhere in the UK and making the whole thing as stress free as possible and telling him that if being with you and his kids for a whole week is stressful then perhaps he wants a separation.

what does he take? would he take diazaepam with and be willing to take it as needed?

it is hard work - when my exP was in that phase it was dreadful. and would take much persuasion to take something to calm down. it was awful. i do sympathise.... (we did go on a holida - on advice of a psych, change fo scene etc...cr*p advice i ahve to say looking back....and the return to post holiday mess jsut swept him over teh edge....)

but you do have to make sure you getting support and his anxiety does not take over your life and that of DCS. really, it is his repsonsibility as an adult to deal with it...

what is psychologist doing for you?
are you seeing someone for support?

is this holiday really about him or about you and DCS?

does he really want to make the effort to go tas something he needs to do to have a normal life with his family? is it "prescribed" by the psychologist - with regard for you and DCS as well?

i know is too close to the holiday. but you could be setting yourselves up for big problems...sorri...

i would say to him - look maybe is too soon for you to go away - i will take DCS with me and give you a break at home.

or agree a get out clause - if he is too anxious there then he will return home eg on train. if he ahs an axiety attack he will do xxxx or yyyy.

you do need a strategy/plan if his anxiety there ends up controlling your holiday...

I wouldn't ask your parents, especially as they don't 'get' your dh's anxiety issues. I think you will just spend the whole time feeling:
frustrated with your dh
worried that your parents are frustrated with your dh
worried that your parents are worried about your grandmother...

basically you will not have a good time. I agree with others that your dh is looking for an excuse not to deal with his anxiety. Would it be practical for you to agree that he will join you for, say, the first 2 nights and then go home? And if he copes well maybe he can decide to stay longer. It may be that the anticipation for him is worse than the reality.

I wouldn´t ask them tbh-but then I´m not really "into" holidays with parents anyway.

If you did & they agreed, it then makes it much easier for him not to go.

I assume he´s also known about this holiday for a while & had time to get used to the idea?

Let us know how things go today.

this is your partners problem and he needs to deal with it himself.

I'm sure it's a very real issue for him and I'm sure it is quite debilitating, BUT only he can sort it out and work through it - no-one else.

Really not fair of him to put this on your Mum when she has more than enough of her own worries.

Is DP quite needy in other ways or is it just going on holiday?

Also, if your parent´s don´t really get his anxieties, how would them being there help-other than maybe enabling him to stress?

Have been to see psychologist this afternoon. He told dp, when I was there, that he thought going on the holiday was an excellent idea and that although it would be stress provoking he would be able to manage it. He described exactly how I see dp behaving when he is anxious, he also described how dp has constructed his/our lives to avoid his anxiety triggers and that this has to change and more importantly can change.

He has not mentioned my parents to me again, I will not be asking them. I feel strongly that it would be the wrong thing to do,
both in terms of asking too much of them and also in giving dp too easy a route out of dealing with his anxiety when essentially the only way for things to get better is if he tackles how he is feeling.

I'm feeling stronger and better about things now. Thanks for your ideas/thoughts.

Good!

Obviously you can´t blame your husband for avoiding triggers, but I think when it impacts on you & the children then he should be putting an effort in!

Will be looking forward to hearing how the holiday goes!