...to tell my brothers and sister to sod off atm?

[purplefish]

I have just had enough! Every time one of them has a problem or falls out with each other they call me....my parents do it too.

It seems I am the one and only person who needs to hear what they think about each other and I am sick to the back teeth of it all.

My older brother has just sent me an e-mail complaining about my sister, saying she blanked him the other day....it was not a nice e-mail, it was downright horible and i am pretty upset that he thought it was ok to send that to me...to offload on me basically.

Another brother has told me today that his partner (nearly....long story) doesn't want me to see my nephew as I have 'hurt' her. the only conversation I have had with her recently is on the telephone (I live 2 hours away) when they were having major relationship problems (the problems are still there btw) where he was saying he was going to harm himself and she was blantantly winding him up. I just told her not to wind him up as it wasn't helping. i even called her the next day to see if she was ok. I don't agree with the way she has treated my brother, but haven't said anything as I don't feel it's anything to do with me.

And last week we found out my mum has breast cancer. I don't have a particularly close relationship with her, for various reasons, but she is my mum and I care about what she is having to face and will be there to support her even though right at this moment I feel like running off to Australia and never coming back

Sorry for the rant, I have just had enough....I am stressed!!!

No doubt I will get a call from my sister later!

I sent an e-mail back to my brother saying that I would be there for him and everyone else provided it wasn't anything about arguments between any of them. I have basically said, if they have a problem with each other, I don't want to know! He hasn't answered....but it wasn't harsh was it? I told him I couldn't cope with it any more

nope not harsh, from someone who has a strained relationship with sis and mum I wouldn't dream of offloading it on mt brother, although he knows what they're both like towards me.

My beef I deal with it and the same for your siblings.

Sorry to hear about your mum btw and good on you for being the bigger person and supporting her despite the strains.

Yanbu

Hi Purplefish, I feel like this at the moment, we have quite a big family so there are a lot of brothers and sisters to off load on me. It is like they think that I don't have enough to be getting on with in my own life, that I need to hear everything that is wrong or right with their lives. If they argue, I get dragged in to referee but then when they make up it is usually my fault that they argued and I end up told I'm too-faced.

Grrr, anyway, apologies for the hijack, I feel for you, and your cunning plant to run away is ever appealing.

Unforunately, the only advice I can offer is to try not to engage with them, you will probably be accused of being heartless or uncaring but preserving your own sanity is the most important thing. My mum too is currently undergoing chemo, and the strain it has put on us is stressful at best and unbearable at other times.

It'll be 18 months before the main part of her treatment is complete, and have decided that I'll put my own house in order in that time, pay off debts etc and look to move further away from all family after that and concentrate on my life. Aim number one is to preserve what little sanity I have left while we get mum through this and then focus on myself.

Ime it is almost impossible to reset dynamics within families, as family are better than anyone at stomping over you and boundaries. Ultimately, you can't change how your family behave but you can change how you respond to it.

I hope these wise MNers have some good advice for you, I think I may be in need of it too.

apologies for the rubbish spelling, hope it sort of makes sense . . .

Arrghh! I just typed loads and it disappeared!

The long and short of it is, that I have stepped back a lot in the past couple of years, even didn't call for over 3 months, but they just don't 'get it'.

So, aside from mum, i am going to be concentrating on my family aka DH and boys, and they can lump it!

OmNomNom, there are 6 of us too.....

YANBU. It sounds as though your siblings are treating you like a parent. (And perhaps your mum has delegated that role to you as well?)

Are you the oldest of the siblings? Or if not, are you the one who has been tagged with the "responsible" label?

By the sounds of it (especially the partner of the brother who was thinking of self-harming) what they want is for you to sort out all their problems (which would probably be impossible) without doing anything at all to help themselves.

I think it was a good move to say you can't cope with it any more, but I'd suggest being firmer and making it clear you won't cope with it any more.

Running off to Australia wouldn't work - they have phones and email there, you know. (Apologies to the antipodean cousins.) You certainly deserve some distance from all that squabbling. Unfortunately, it's going to have to be you that puts that in place, and possibly endure even more whinging until they actually get a clue (and grow up).

Talking about things here is a good start to progressing to a bullet point list of what you will and will not accept from your siblings.

Hopefully, others with more experience can give more advice and support.

Yep concentrate on your family and look after yourself.

One thing I have learnt is given the amount they bitch, the amount they snipe, that I could never rely on them or trust to look out for me because it is never about me. Only about them. If they behave that way towards each other, lord only knows what they say about me . . .

As much as I love my brother and sisters they drive me mad, and this whole rivalry thing is just beyond me. I guess that is what it is, sort of reverting back to five, and play with me and not with him type thing.

Rant away, we'll find a solution in the end.

ooh to add to what Huggly was saying, I did once run off to the antipodies, they managed to behave reasonably well for them (if you don't count the five am calls from my sister ranting at me about how much responsibility she had taken on and how she was sorting things out for mum and dad - my parents are still only in their fifties and compis mentis so to this day have no idea what she thought she was sorting).

Anyway, found that they had saved the shit for when I got home. The first year after I moved home was just the worst. Dealing with fall out of what they had done over that time, and trying to set things right. It does feel like a parent sometimes but I'm in the middle so I can't think how that works, especially as I'm not really that sensible or adult either.

It's all a bit, don't play with her she has fleas for want of a better description.

Ooh do you all know me? What you have said is spot on!

I'm not the oldest but the 2nd eldest and the ea=ldest girl and yes, i was always considered the 'responsible one'

And nope, not one of them wants to help themselves!

Huggly, I have tried and still do try to put some distance between us...it just leaks back from time to time especially when there is a real problem ie my mums illness! The last one was my brothers relationship (and they all rang me with their opinions about that) and before that when my dad was really ill, plus various other times in between when they have problems with each other.

And yes, my mum probably has delegated the 'parent' role to me...all my life....I am a parent to my children now...not my brothers and sister! And i try my damnedest (if thats a word ) to ensure my children do not grow up like the rest of my family!

But that is being snobby

Gawd, I wish this would stop going around in my head I am thinking about it too much.

I know I didn't say anything to my brothers partner (ish) that would make her react this way, apart from asking her not to wind him up. She told me to tell him to go home and I asked her to let him stay until I had managed to get someone to come and take him home as I was worried about what he'd do if he just went (it really was one of those awful phone calls) She let him stay and my parents came who let him go away on his own! Then he disappeared for hours!

And as for my other brother...well...what can I say! My sister didn't phone, so he obviously just wanted me to know how upset he was with her! Oh and everyone else! Thanks bro!

My relationship isn't the best with my parents because they really let me down at 16 when I told them something very serious. They were just worried about themselves and I eneded up just wanting to get out of there...which i did at 17. But while we aren't that close, the relationship isn't a volatile one. I probably should say more to them about stuff than I do, but I end up choosing the 'make contact and see them only when neccessary' route because it's easier.

Sorry, i am just offloading....

And OmNom, what you said about them not actually being bothered about me is so true! I just have to get on with and blimey I know better than to call one of them about anything I might be going through!

Maybe it is a bigger family thing...DH doesn't get this from his family!

I don't know what the root of it all is I don't think the size of family does determine the toxicity if it all.

I do know that my parents didn't ever treat us all the same, and so it always felt like they were playing favourites in one way or another, and unfortunately we as kids got wise to that so became very adept at manipulating the situation to suit us, this did involve playing one off against the other.

I do think that these family dynamics carry over into adult life, and are virtually impossible to shake.

Ultimately children don't come with handbooks, and my parents didn't have the tools to deal with such strong personalities, especially as they were raised in a culture where obeying your parents is the golden rule, no questioning no making your own choices.

I would say that generally my relationship with my mum is millions better now, she has changed so much and her behaviours towards us all have changed. I do finally feel like I have a "proper" mum and have that "mum" relationship with her. Things with dad are ok, and with luck things will continue to improve.

One tool I do use (if you can call it that) is that I take anything any of my family says with a pinch of salt, and when I get a phone call saying "so and so is saying or has done x" I would then say "so let me get this clear, you are telling me that x has done/ said x, I'll speak to them about that as it is unfair/ not acceptable" generally if there is a lie or an exaggeration in there, they will back track and say "no, I didn't mean it like that". I guess the lesson is that 9 times out of 10, this is about good old fashioned attention seeking, and the need for drama and the inability to empathise with others, because they can only see the world in relation to themselves.

If I was Freud, I would suggest that they had never got beyond the ego stage of about three, but, and this is the big but, they don't behave in the manner in their careers or with their friends. So that means the delightful behaviour is reserved only for you because they know that only you will tolerate it.

I may understand the reasons why, but am no further along in nipping it in the bud. All I can say is that, I would protect my family especially my children from these behaviours (even if that meant limiting contact) in order that my family didn't become part of this cycle.

Try not to think about it too much, you can drive yourself mad with the whole thing, and the only change I truly think we can make is prevent our own families from becoming part of the dynamic.

Ooh sorry for the essay, hope it makes sense.

Just reading back your comment about trying to better your own family situation as snobby . . . hmmmm.

The thing is we Brits have big hang ups about being percieved as snobby or selfish etc, however all those terms really mean is trying better your situation. If we as a species hadn't strived to improve, we'd still be living in caves, I do think it is important to raise your children to have higher aspirations than your own achievements otherwise it is such a waste of potential.

That doesn't necessarily mean that you children must be more educated or earn more, but having a more equal and less manipulated home life will be a big step up from us, and the constant guilt that is associated with the siblings being a pain in the bum thing.

And don't apologise for how you feel and that you need to offload, life is shitty sometimes, you need to talk so talk.

Learning that you can scarcely lean on your family is a hard lesson learnt at a young age, but as a result you are so strong and so resilient and so capable. While it would have been nice to have to be so strong all of the time, it will have made you so capable of anything. It is also a painful lesson but just think you wouldn't have the lovely family you have now, if you hadn't walked the road you had walked.

xx

Thankyou OmNom. Very true words.

Contact is pretty limited already tbh. I do see my sister occasionally (but she is 2 hours away) because we are close and I adore my nephews and want my children to have a good relationship with their Aunty, Uncle and cousins. I used to feel bad that I hadn't seen people for a while, but I don't now really. All i feel is stressed when I see my family (apart from sis) Obvioulsy now with Mums illness I might have to have contact more often, but I will be closing my ears to family disputes!!

My children will not endure what I had to (and am still having to) That has been my main aim since I had them, they will not suffer like I did, they will not be responsible for each other. They can look out for each other and have a normal sibling realtionship.

I have a 16 yr old and 2 younger children and people can't understand why we don't get the 16 yr old to babysit more often (he does occasionally for which he paid) He didn't choose to have them, they are his brothers, not his children. All my boys have a close relationship with each other and I love that. The 2 youngest have a really great bond and while they can fall out at times, most of the time they are the best of friends.

I have to say that it generally is only 2 of my brothers and my sister (at times, though she has been told not to now) who do this. My 2 youngest brothers don't at all. They will call if they are having relationship problems (ie splitting up with girlfriend etc) which is fine and only really to talk...they don't expect me to fix it!

I would say that you are pretty sorted, the way your family functions would be the dynamic I aim for, so although it might feel like your still battling, you've won already.

Also, there is hope still for your wider family as your little brothers seem to have a more brothers relationship with you. It is the same in my family, it's my oldest two siblings that cause the most angst. The little two just want to get on with their lives and be happy.

I have high hopes for my boys

Little two made me smile, they are 27 (nearly) AND 29 AND WAAAAY TALLER THAN ME! (Oops capitals went funny!)

my little two are nearly 22 and nearly 20, still bounce around like they did as little people.

and yep they be taller than me, nick my clothes, shoes, books and cd's, eat all my food, but are super