To not want my life planned out for me at 6 weeks pregnant?

[emptyshell]

Yes it's a MIL one (my MIL is generally lovely though).

She's been visiting for the weekend and we'd told her early about the pregnancy as we'd had a spotting scare (waiting on an early scan next week).

All we've had all weekend is "YOU'LL be doing this" "you can't possibly live here and be out and about with a pram" (we live about 3/4 mile from the local shops, yes it's up a hill but it's easily walkable with a pit stop on the bench halfway up and I have a car anyway), "You will HAVE to move nearer to the town" (into tiny terraced houses with naff parking.

Then we had the "Oh you'll only buy X and Y for the nursery and you'll have that chest of drawers and that bit of furniture from your other room in there."

She was even winding hubby up by the end of it and he's the most laid back creature known to man - so it's not just me being hormonal - but I've got things relatively under control, we're house hunting to buy but we know our search area, we know what prices are, I know the local schools better than most parents to be (I've taught in most of them), and I know full well I can survive with/without cars around here anyway - I planned to be walking the wheels off the pushchair/pram and getting out and about. I know what I need for the nursery and I know what furniture I have from around the house that can be reused... oh and she was telling hubby how he was running scared, not wanting to look at baby stuff because he can't adjust to the idea of being a daddy - when he WANTS to look at stuff, just without her breathing down our necks and he's been trying to avoid it completely in case anything's wrong at the scan next week and again at 12 weeks... she STILL kept on with the "Oh leave him alone he doesn't want to look at things because he needs time to adjust" and "Don't mention he's going to be a daddy because he'll get stressed" - just making me feel like some completely unreasonable mummyzilla - because in reality it's HER being unable to deal with her son being a grown mature man and not some bumbling source of teenage amusement like the family tend to view him as.

But yeah - am I unreasonable that I've got mental costings of what I need, I know what's unnecessary fluff (some of which I'll go for for the awww factor anyway) and I've actually got a pretty well worked out plan of how we'll function if I have use of the car, or no use of the car - and that we'd actually quite like to find our way on this one by ourselves with gentle guidance rather than a coned off contra-flow?

Thankfully she'll be less annoying when baby comes as perfect SiL (the one who's accepted as being mature and an adult and not just the funny little child in the family - which really winds me up that they view hubby like this when he's a fantastic, sensible, calm, forward planning man) will sprog a couple of months before me so our baby won't get a look in... and we'll get some peace!

Seriously if my mother starts this rubbish when I tell her I'm pregnant as well - I'm digging a moat, installing a drawbridge and cutting off the phone!

I've made her sound rotten and she's not really - we do get on very well but gawd she was even getting on hubby's wick wtih the "oh he can't deal with being a daddy" routine (she should see the grin on his face when you remind him he's going to be to see just how ready he is for this). Just feels she's putting ideas into his head that are in no way there - and I know full well she won't be doing this with SiL's husband - but his entire family rib my husband (and they've started trying it with me) as the immature funny quirky ones who really don't understand the grown up world (and that's despite me being older than his flipping sister)!

My tongue is now sore from biting it all weekend - and we're back looking happily at THREE BED (not the two she'd declared we needed as we'd only be having one kid according to her) houses in the area WE want - where we know neighbours talk to each other, look out for each other and it's a bit further out from the town centre.

Seriously - she thinks I'm going to be out every day buying sausages for tea and faffing about individual shops like a TV chef persued by a camera crew... we've got Tesco 2 minutes up the road!

maybe when you do move you should keep your new address a secret for a while.....

Oh dear.

Does she live nearby? If not, that would be a blessing.

Let her yap on. You don't have to do any of what she says if you don't want.

Once you don't do what she says, she'll stop bothering. She'll lose interest.

If she asks why you haven't done what she says, just boldly say, "Because that's not how we want to do things."

If she gets stroppy, then that's her look out. Don't be taking responsibility for anyone else's moods as long as you're polite and firm.

Smile and nod.

drop it all and leave the country, i had my fingers crossed sil having a baby first would save me, it didnt and it ended very badly.

YADNBU

It sounds like your MIL is simply having an emotional reaction to the baby, and that this will probably calm down in time. Like you say, there is another baby on the way in the family, which will take some of the heat off you. I would try not to sweat this stuff for now. Find a way to tune her out. She doesn't sound malicious, just a bit emotional. But I don't think that makes you wrong either tbh. If things get too OTT with her, ask your DH to have a chat.

Thankfully she's about as far away as it's possible to get from us (they live on a Scottish island) and she is generally lovely - I talk to her more than to my own mother.

But seriously it drives me insane how the entire family still treat hubby as the funny little teenage brother. Yes he's as clumsy as it's possible to get (he managed to end up in A+E doing the laundry), but he's the most sensible, level-headed, calm man you could ever hope to meet and I thank my lucky stars most days that he and I crossed paths.

I don't think SHE can deal with the idea that he's ready to become a daddy underneath it all really - the friendly well-intentioned advice I can deal with - but I think that's at the crux of it all. When we told her I was pregnant before the miscarriage she wasn't delighted - just shocked... God forbid the poor guy tries to do anything before his sister's got in there first.

And I ain't doing weekly webcam conferences for her to check up on the baby - although hubby did suggest we could rig one up on the cot, get it online to her all the time and she could phone us when the baby woke up to save the cash on a baby monitor! Cheeky git that he is!

We've already been told what names are already reserved by SiL (thankfully I hate both of her choices anyway). Just wish for once they'd let the poor guy live his life out of her shadow - she even booked her wedding in so we couldn't get married first (his dad works abroad for months at a time so the windows of opportunity for it were limited). Wish they'd see what an utter gem they have in a son as a grown man - gets me quite wound up on his behalf and he never challenges it because he's so calm and placid.

Everyone (not just MILs) have an opinion once you are pregnant.

Smile, nod and do what you want anyway.

The opinions stop once your child reaches 35yrs+. (hopefully)

Agh, she's just excited, leave her. 9 months is a long time, she'll be fine and will have calmed down when the baby arrives.

It sounds like she's gone into overdrive on her enthusiasm. Just smile and nod and ignore. I expect she'll tone it down in a while - some people just don't seem to have a fitler between how they feel (over-excited!) and what comes out of their mouth.

LOL at managing to end up in A+E doing the laundry.

It sounds like there is a very weird family dynamic and the baby issue (congratulations, btw) has just thrown a spotlight on it.

But FWIW, it really is true that before the baby is born every parent thinks they know how it's going to be afterwards. And every parent is wrong. I think she's trying to be helpful if you look at it in that light but succeeding mainly in being extremely annoying!

But do tell all about dh ended up in A+E!

I'm going to try to be charitable to your MIL here, but all her interferring - is it because she's excited and trying to make it all real?

If I were your DH I'd not be able to bite my tongue! Going on about how he's not ready would really wind me up

Well YABU but you do sound like you think you know everything, you don't, no-one does.

This is just the start when youre pregnanct / have kids everyone has an opinion on everything - pregnancy, childbirth, breast feeding, weaning, walking/talking, potty training, do they know they colours etc.....

Just get used to it.

It does sound like they've labelled your DH as the "immature" one of the family, and don't see him for the adult he has become. It's possible they will never reassess their views - it can be pretty much written in stone in some families that X is the silly one, or the practical one, or anything else, based on what they were like at age 10.

OTOH once she sees how well he deals with the practicalities and the baby, she might finally move him to the category of "grown-up". Don't let it get to you too much, as long as DH's self-esteem doesn't seem to be dented by their daftness.

Decide between you how you want to play things, like where you live, and the webcam thing, and just quietly get on with it. They will have to adapt to your way of doing things if you just calmly get on with it!

Heh StealthPolarBear - it's the one time I've ever seen him be assertive with her and say "Actually I DO want to go to Ikea to look at baby things." Normally he's dragged their bribed with meatballs.

The A+E thing - somehow, while loading laundry in the washing machine (a perfectly average washing machine) he managed to jam his finger into the locking part and impale the locking catch across the top of his finger, sliceing the top layer of skin off in a perfect square so it bled like crazy and wouldn't stop bleeding. Yes, to this day it still makes no sense to me whatsoever either. Woman behind the desk when he showed up, hand spurting with blood wrapped in a comedy kitchen tea towel took half the details of how he'd hurt himself and almost fell off her chair laughing!

There is this dodgy family dynamic - they're very close but he constantly is overshadowed by his sister, every time his parents come down it's all about his sister - I've heard so much about his sister's damned pregnancy I know our kid will end up being an afterthought when the initial being helpful to see if it sticks hysteria dies down.

They are really lovely as in-laws go though - just really was annoying both of us (so not just hormonal irrationality) about how "oh hubby isn't ready to be a daddy" yet.

Poor guy - he's really fantastic and on as close to cloud 9 as it's possible to get 6 weeks in after one miscarriage and before a scan!

My dads parents were like this with my mum, always thinking she didn't know anything and not valuing her opinions (my mum was an intensive care nurse, so hardly stupid).

I think you should just do whatever it is you have decided is best for you and do it when you want to. I wouldn't take other peoples work commitments into account when planning my wedding for example (they can either come,or not).

Tbh, I wouldn't let it pass if someone was trying to unfairly pigeonhole me/DH, even if that someone was DHs mum. I think it is possible to disagree with her and refute what she says, but still remain polite whilst doing so. You can just say "actually, DH and I have decided to live in x location".

Congratulations on your pg. Hope all goes well at your scan

dont let her spoil this time for you

just do what the other posters said....smile and nod.

best of luck with the new baby x

I think she is over-excited, but I do think if she says he's not ready to be a father, you should say in a really tough tone, "Actually he is ready, this is a planned baby and we're really excited about it. Please don't talk about him like that."

Have some kind of secret code between you and your DH for when this happens. eg, MIL starts on in similar thread, you say "Well, I'd better get the kettle on" or some innocuous-seeming remark and have some kind of follow-up remark, which is always the same. Might sound weird but it just means you two are acknowledging that MIL/FIL is now going off on one again, and time to tune out and nod and smile until the current rant is over, instead of trying to talk MIL/FIL out of rant, which rarely works if they're on a full-scale rant, IME!

Sorry but had to laugh, reminds me a little of my MIL's bizarre advice. When we moved house with little furniture she told us we didn't need to buy a dining room table and should use a door instead. And we should cover a metal table in the garden with vaseline to stop in going rusty.

With regards to the family stereotyping I would hate this too but let them have their reality. Smile and remind yourself that you know the truth and it is what you and your DH thinks that matters.

Sounds a bit like the dynamic in my DH's family. He is the "baby" brother, and is obviously the thick/incapable one. The first class degree and doctorate don't seem to have proved anything.

I haven't read this at all, but I've seen you on ttc threads and wanted to say congratulations on your pregnancy!!!! (You won't know me from Adam, btw..)

It sounds like, as has been said, she's the one not ready for your DH to become a daddy.

Just dismiss all her comments with a slightly patronising "Oh don't be so silly, MIL", or "What rubbish!". No-one likes being dismissed like this and she'll get the message!