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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my sons first day at school....

26 replies

AT1137 · 16/08/2010 11:39

My son is starting primary school in September this year. He has had cancer twice and had a bone marrow transplant and we nearly lost him on numerous occasions throughout his treatment. His first day of school is a day we thought would never happen.

We have neighbours who also have a child who is starting school on the same day and as this child is in full time private nursery my son does not know him well. Our neighbours have said that they are so looking forward to coming round to our house on the morning of the first day of school and having lots of photo's taken and then they are planning that we'll walk to school together (even though their child is younger so not starting until the afternoon session).

Am I being unreasonable to think that I want this special morning to stay a special morning and not invaded by other people wanting to take photo's etc. I will be an emotional wreck (not because it's his first day of school) but because never in a million years did we ever think we'd get to this day. Do you think she should respect the fact that we may want some space and privacy and just leave us alone? I am also due baby number 3 soon so will more than likely have my hormones all over the place!!

Please tell me if IABU. Thanks.

OP posts:
LackingInspiration · 16/08/2010 11:41

YANBU, whether your DS had cancer or not! Of course you don't have to share the day if you down't want to.

What have you actually said to your neighbours?

bigstripeytiger · 16/08/2010 11:42

I dont think that YABU. Seems a bit strange for them to want to walk in with you if their isnt starting to later - wont it be confusing for the child to get to the school and then walk home again?

I think that you might have to explain to them that you want privacy though, rather than assume that they would guess.

domeafavour · 16/08/2010 11:42

arrh
it's a very special day, you should be able to do it your way
I'm sure they will understand if you just say you want to do it alone

gorionine · 16/08/2010 11:43

YANBU Mauybe yopu could tell her that you are very touched that she would want to share her day with you but you do not feel emotionaly that you can share yours with anyone and would like it to be just yours and your family special day.

overmydeadbody · 16/08/2010 11:43

YANBU

Your DS's first day, it's your choice who is involved, not your neighbor's.

Original poster
AT1137 · 16/08/2010 11:43

I haven't said anything yet to them as I was just a bit gobsmacked that they seemed to have the day all planned...my other half is going to say something but I just wanted to check that I am not being silly.

OP posts:
violethill · 16/08/2010 11:44

If her child isn't starting til the afternoon session, I think it's unlikely they'll accompany you on the walk to school!!
She's probably excited and getting ahead of herself.

I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting to enjoy this day as a family, but remember the key person here is the boy starting school, and it may be that he will soon want to be walking with friends alongside anyway.

pagwatch · 16/08/2010 11:44

No YANBU but you are being a bit silly to be pondering it.
You should just smile sweetly and say 'what a lovely idea but as you can understand I am sure we simply want the morning with our son and to walk him to school together. Perhaps another morning?'

I am sure they will understand and not mind at all. You jst need to tell them rather than getting stressed and upset about it.
Just tell them Smile

SpringHeeledJack · 16/08/2010 11:46

aaaaah bless him

of course you're not being silly

explain to her as you have here- she'll understand

Original poster
AT1137 · 16/08/2010 11:46

Good point voilethill but he doesn't know this boy at all. He just lives next door. Any other day is fine, he can walk to school with whoever he wants, it's just that this day is so special to us I want to be able to get my emotions in check.

OP posts:
tribpot · 16/08/2010 11:48

How weird. If they wanted to do a joint thing why didn't they invite you to theirs, so you had the chance to say 'thanks but .. '? And very odd for their poor ds to walk to school then come home and then walk to school again later. Maybe they're just trying to make their ds feel positive about starting school - 'look, you'll already know AT's ds ...' but coming at it in a rather strange fashion.

Maybe say you'll happily walk to school together once their ds is going in the mornings too?

fruitstick · 16/08/2010 11:53

Ds is starting school too and we haven't been through what you have but I would pility decline too.

Just say that you and ds are both quite emotional about it and need some space to see how the morning develops.

Are they doing a couple of half days and then full time? I wod suggest Walking together once they've had a couple of days to settle in.

proudnsad · 16/08/2010 11:56

What Pagwatch said, re how to deal with it.

YANBU. It's a bit pushy of them, albeit in a nice way.

So happy for you that you've reached this milestone and that ds is doing well Smile

Original poster
AT1137 · 16/08/2010 11:57

Thank you proudnsad x

OP posts:
Original poster
AT1137 · 16/08/2010 12:13

Fruitstick re. walking together once they settle in is a good idea but not an option as this boy will go to private day nursery before and after school sessions so will get bussed in by that nursery if that makes sense so although lives next door will not walk to school with my son. Does that make sense??

OP posts:
emptyshell · 16/08/2010 12:27

Get him to pop around and say hello when he's in his uniform so they can take a quick photo, then deflect the wanting to come in with him by saying there won't be enough room in the classroom for that many parents milling around and you'd rather not overwhelm him on day 1 (in reality he'll be completely unfazed by it and it'll be the parents being little lost souls by the way).

Does mean you could possibly alternate morning drop offs and pick ups when they're both doing full-days though! I sense potential for a deal to be done there :D

Original poster
AT1137 · 16/08/2010 12:34

It's the taking of photos of my son on that day that I want to avoid as well. Just makes me feel uncomfortable. Also, I won't be offering to do any deals on child care for my neighbours son as they are in private nursery before and after school and I will have three of my own children (including a new born) so more than I could handle tbh.

OP posts:
LucyLouLou · 16/08/2010 13:46

YANBU. Not at all. It's a bit rude (yet probably well meaning) that they have invited themselves into your son's day. Very clearly, this is an occasion for you to celebrate more than most, you have been through a lot and you want to mark the day because of that, it's completely reasonable that you want to make it a private occasion. I think you and your DH need to go into this with the attitude that they were being really sweet, but just misguided.

This did actually make me smile though. I hope you all have a lovely morning together, you obviously have one of life's little fighters on your hands :).

alicet · 16/08/2010 13:57

I wouldn't want to share this special day with anyone other than close family or very close friends and have nothing like the history you have - my ds is thankfully totally fit and well. It is hardly surprising you want to keep this day special.

I would just politely tell them that it is lovely they are so excited but that you want to keep the day as a family one only.

How about inviting this boy over for a playdate before school starts so that they both have a friendly face when they start? Hopefully that will pacify the Mum if she feels a bit shunned (even though she is unreasonable to feel like this even if she doesn't know your background). It will be nice for the boys too I would have thought.

Fantastic news about your ds by the way and long may he remain healthy xxx

prozacfairy · 16/08/2010 14:22

YANBU can't believe anyone would invite themselves to gatecrash like that Hmm what a cheek! Stand your ground.

Can't begin to im\gine how thrilled you must be at your DS starting school after all he has been through Smile

mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 16/08/2010 19:27

YANBU.
What a truly special day tomorrow will be for you all. Enjoy x

hairytriangle · 16/08/2010 19:36

yanbu. I think you should tell your neighbours exactly that - as you've had such a hard time, it's a very special family day and you'll be doing your own thing.

Good luck!

atswimtwolengths · 16/08/2010 20:16

You're definitely not being unreasonable! What's she thinking of, walking with you anyway, when her son isn't even going to school?

It seems a shame the boys don't know each other well by now - maybe you could start something going there before they start school?

If she knows about your's sons past illnesses, then I'm sure she'll understand when you say what a special day it is for you all and that you want to spend it as a family.

I'm so glad your son has pulled through and wish him a healthy life from now on.

Spacehopper5 · 16/08/2010 22:06

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StewieGriffinsMom · 16/08/2010 22:11

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