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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want inlaws to fall in with my plans and not vise versa?

17 replies

PinkyMe · 16/08/2010 07:30

This will probably not seem like much but I'm slightly ticked off with my inlaws. My MIL is coming to babysit dd on a Monday (week b4 her bd), so she suggested she, fil, sil & bf come down earlier to celebrate dd's b'day as they will not be around on her actual b'day.
No problem with that, but I'd like them to come on the Sunday and not the Friday. I can't bare a whole weekend, yet again.
They, apparently haven't made their minds up when they'll come Hmm. Why don't I seem to have any say in these things? If I make up an excuse, they'll come anyway as they know DH is home. Grrr

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/08/2010 07:33

So the actual issue is that they want to come and stay with you for three days, and you don't want a houseful of in-laws?

gingernutlover · 16/08/2010 07:42

Well they and dh can look after dd whilst you go shopping for nice new handbags her birthday things.

You arent unreasonable to be annoyed that they think they can just arrive whenever they feel like it and stay at the house.

What does your dh say? Could you have a family event on the saturday (which they wouldn't be coming to) so that they dont come til sunday.

LackingInspiration · 16/08/2010 07:44

My ILs are also rude enough not to tell us when they've decided to grace us with their presence until the last minute. Drives me mad!

Original poster
PinkyMe · 16/08/2010 07:45

Precisely. I had them all last weekend and two weekends before and then for three weeks before that. The three weeks was unavoidable and although they drove me crazy they were a big help. But I AIBU to think it is too much now and want some of this weekend to ourselves. They are very hardwork.

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/08/2010 07:48

No, that would drive me crazy as well. Why do the brother and sister come down as well? Are they still very young? That's a lot of people in your house every weekend.

What's your husband's take on it?

Animation · 16/08/2010 07:58

If you're starting to reach your limit it means boundary time - time to say "NO".

compo · 16/08/2010 08:06

It's time to get your dh to stand up for you and say no IMO

fruitful · 16/08/2010 08:08

"No, we're having some family time that weekend - just dh, me, and dd. You're welcome to arrive from x o'clock onwards on Sunday. We won't be at home before that. Do let me know what time as soon as you can so I know whether to make tea for you on Sunday evening."

sapphireblue · 16/08/2010 08:37

I feel your pain! Both my parents and my PILs do this.......always say they will "let me know" when to expect them and how long they are staying for etc. The PILs are the worst and often won't let me know until the day before Angry. I've tried getting DH to politely suggest that we could do with a bit more notice, but it hasn't worked so far!

Can you get DH to tell them they can't come friday because you already have plans for Fri and Sat?

Plumm · 16/08/2010 08:42

Tell them you've got plans and if they insist on coming down Friday then just go out on Friday and Saturday. If DH doesn't fall in with this tactic then leave him at home with the kids and in laws and take yourself out somewhere nice - and thank them for the babysitting.

SeaTrek · 16/08/2010 09:09

How difficult! What does your DH think of all this?

Hard to know what to say, as they are doing your a favour by babysitting for you on Monday. Not enough of a favour for that though!

YANBU!

I presume they told your DH all of this. Hopefully, he agrees with you and will ring them back and be a little more assertive.

DetectivePotato · 16/08/2010 09:29

They sound like a right pain. Why does it need all 4 of them to come? What does your DH think?

I wouldn't put up with people telling me when they are going to come. They would have to come when it was convenient for me, particularly as they have been with you a lot lately. You are not asking too much.

Either get your DH to tell them its Sunday from xx o clock or say I'm sorry we are very busy over the weekend and we are not around until xx o clock Sunday, we will see you then.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/08/2010 10:15

My Mil phoned to say she was spending sunday with her 'friend' (can a 65 yr old have a boyfriend. Don't think it's at the stage where he could be called a partner) and was dropping serious hints about spending saturday here. I ignored them. She has chosen to do something else on the day when she would normally see DGC. Why should I rearrange my plans to fit in with her?

As has been suggested, I think you should tell the ILs that you have made plans for Fri/Sat and would love to see them on sunday/monday. Don' let them present you with a fait accompli.

Morloth · 16/08/2010 10:25

Once again, not an inlaw problem a DH one (is there ever a MIL issue that isn't actually caused by a spineless DH?).

You need to discuss with your DH when you want houseguests then you need to call them and say "You are welcome to visit us from Blah to Blah" and that is it.

If they turn up earlier without a very good reason (i.e. their house burned down or something) then your DH needs to send them away.

Of course a 65yo can have a boyfriend, my Mum is in her 70s and has a few "friends". Wink Why not?

fedupofnamechanging · 16/08/2010 10:33

Morloth - I meant, can you call him a boyfriend, given that it has been a few years since he has been a boy. Is there another word for the stage when someone is dating, but not committed enough to be a partner (I always think of partner to be serious).

Honestly, don't mind her having one (although the thought of them 'bumping uglies' gives me the heebyjeebies tbh). Would prefer it though if the two of them weren't round my house at the weekends

2rebecca · 16/08/2010 10:55

I agree with Fruitful and Morloth. If you don't want guests for the weekend then just say no, tell your husband you don't want visitors all weekend again and that the pair of you need to put limits on visitors and relax more rather than catering and run a hotel. Tell the relatives that they are not welcome before Sunday as you need time to relax.
It is up to you when you have visitors. You just have to be assertive about it.
If husband moans tell him he can entertain visitors fri-Sun and you and your daughter will go elsewhere from Fri-Sun for a rest.
I also don't see why they all have to come together tand think you should discuss this with husband and set limits on numbers of visitors at a time.
I'd rather not go out on the Monday if it meant catering Fri-Mon for people I see alot anyway.

Morloth · 16/08/2010 11:02

I dunno karma my Mum doesn't have "boyfriends" (you are quite right it does seem weird to use the word boy for someone in their 60/70s!).

We tease her and say she has friends with benefits. These mad pensioners they are all at it, worse than teenagers I tell you!

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