to be fed up of this notion that as I am a SAHM, my DH should do nothing?

[DetectivePotato]

I know its my nan and grandad so they have old fashioned views. My grandad in particular is very believing that a womans place is in the home. My nan, I thought was more open minded but she keeps making these little comments on how it is a 'shame' for DH.

I have M.E., a 2 year old and I am pregnant. I am bloody shattered. As it is, DH hasn't had his Sunday lie in since I found out I am pregnant as I am too exhausted to get up at 6 with DS. Luckily I think the worse of the tiredness is passing and I can manage to drag myself up for a few hours and go back to bed later. My nan thinks this is a shame that poor DH hasn't had his lie in. He has for the last 2 and a half years of DS's life. My nan is also very understanding that my M.E. makes me exhausted and often comments that I need to rest etc.

When DH comes home from work, he takes DS for a walk while I sort the tea out. DH started this tradition. DS loves it as he gets to spend time with his daddy but apprently DH should be coming home and having a rest while I serve him a cup of tea. Grrrrrr. Sorry. I didn't realise we were in the 50's now.

DH also does the dishes each day as I sort the tea out. My nan doesn't say too much but she raises her eyebrows and says something about DH working all day. He works in a lab 8.30-4.30, not a 12 hour shift lugging tons of bricks around or something.

I know I am being hormonal and they are of the older generation but they keep bringing up little bits of how its 'poor DH' and basically I should be doing everything in the home.

When I had a night out a while ago (pre pregnancy obviously) my drink was spiked and I hurt my wrist badly falling. I was telling my grandad and he looked at me in amazement and said "and you think that is acceptable behaviour? You are not a teenager but a wife and mother and you should be at home with your family" Luckily these are the people that brought me up so I burst out laughing and asked him if I should take up knitting (I'm 28 btw). DS was in bed, DH likes me going out so he can have the house to himself. Grandad doesn't believe my drink was spiked but that I had too much. I do know the difference though.

Don't discuss your domestic details with them.

so when do they expect you to have time off as loking after children is a full time job

I don't think it's age either. In some families even in 1920 women wouldnt' stand for it. It just depends on the people.

Your main issue will be try to get better from the ME and ignore comments from others.

I can understand why you get fed up of it, but as you say, it is just a generational thing. You aren't going to change them and even if you did run around like a 50's housewife and keep DS out of DH's way (seen but not heard :)) etc - they'd find something else

I know people say this on here, then get a bit bashed for it - but hey ho, try to enjoy them and try to think of all the things they say like that, that you will remember them by, because one day they wont be here to drive you nuts and you'll miss the gentle (and no so gentle) nagging.

Just try - it will make you feel a little less like battering them with a bit of 2 by 4!

Their opinions aren't wrong, neither are they right. If your dh is happy with what he does then what's the problem? Is it that you worry you are peceived as being lazy and inadequate by your grandparents?

Xenia the M.E. isn't going to get better. I just have to learn to live with it.

Chipping yes I know, I do get frustrated but can't help laughing at them sort of way. My nan sometimes goes to visit her daughter and stays for a few days. My grandad doesn't really like it as she is out of the home but he knows he won't stop her, and he wouldn't forbid her. Thats why I don't understand my nan sometimes.

The "do you think that is acceptable behaviour" thing just cracks me up! I often remind him of it and wind him up. It gave all my friends a good laugh too.

"Is it that you worry you are peceived as being lazy and inadequate by your grandparents?"

Ummmm, yes actually! In fact I send my grandad a text the other day about a car boot sale and he asked me if I was going. I said probably not as I would be having a lie in and he did text me back and call me lazy. I must admit I am very sensitve to this as back when I first had M.E. and it wasn't diagnosed, my dad nicknamed it 'lazyitus' He changed his mind when he saw me collapse in the street on holiday in Spain. He panicked a bit then.

It's hard not to get upset when you have a genuine illness and people just think you are lazy :(

Is there any chance he was just joking without really thinking about it. In the same way that I say it to my friend if she didn't want to go to something on a Sunday morning (local market :) ) - she has 3 under 4 and she is run ragged by them - occasionally she gets a lie-in and I say, lazy bint, you should be up with your kids :) I only ever day it tongue in cheek and she knows that, so doesn't take offence - iyswim?

If he was serious and keeps saying things like that you either just have to or have a word with him about ME and tell him how upsetting you find it?!

I think with relatives the way to go is just smile and nod and quietly write them off as a bit mad...

I wouldn't analyse their opinions too much. They aren't your nuclear family. If your dh is happy with the balance of earning, house stuff and child care then what's the problem?

Your nan and granddad share the same values.

You and your dh share the same values, and they are not the same as your grandparents'.

You and dh are not married to your nan and granddad. Which is how it should be.

Ignore.

YANBU. Good to know DH is supportive.

Although it's unlikely to be popular, it might just force a "check mate" position if DH said, in polite, but firm way, that it's not "a shame" and that things have moved on, from days when women were forbidden to work once married, and nowadays, more men understand the need to share the chores at home.

If he comes out with the fact that he loves and respects you, knows your limits and has no problem with doing various jobs and activities, they might see that any consideration of you "being lazy" are not shared by your DH, and it might make them snap out of it, if he's the one to comment.

I suspect, however, that any niggling comments are made when he is out of earshot, or out completely. I wish you well with the addition to your family, and hope your nan and grandad 'understand' sooner rather than later, so they don't continue this.

Looking after children under school age is a full-time job! There is a world of difference between a SAHM with two young children and a SAHM with two children at primary school/secondary school. Just like there is a big difference between a father working 12 hrs shifts in a manual job and a father working an 8 hr day in a non-manual job or a father working 10+ hrs in the city with a long commute each end.

Your nan/grandad obviously would have had a lot longer of the second type of SAHM experience, so maybe they have forgotton just how shattering having young children can be?

Anyway, YANBU, to be irritated by their comments. They are unlikely to fully understand though so I really wouldn't bother trying to justify/explain - just try and ignore it.

My nan and grandad are rather the same way. My grandad did very very little with my mum and her siblings (4 kids in 5 years and my nan was finished at 27!).

They are very impressed with my DH because he owns his own business, earns well, we own a home now (they never bought a house) and I'm well supported as a SAHM. In return, I'm supposed to be eternally grateful for this and DH shouldn't be expected to do anything at all other than work. This also leads to lots of other much more annoying ideas about how, as a woman, I am incapable of doing anything on my own. I have stopped going to visit them by myself after dark after my grandad, who is rather frail himself now, insisted on walking me (a 27yr old married mother) to the bus stop, which was located on a main road, very well lit, etc, right in the middle of town at 7pm (winter time).

You really can't change their ideas - their hard-drives are programmed in such a different way it's impossible for us to understand it. Just nod and smile and stop telling them stuff!

Thanks everyone.

I don't think my grandad thinks I am really lazy. I suspect he was joking but I am a bit sensitive to it. He takes my M.E. more seriously than he used to which I am glad about and they do have DS for an afternoon sometimes. We are all close.

My nan does mainly say these things out of earshot of DH. Earlier I was up there and she commented on something again about DH being tired. I will have to say next time that he enjoys looking after DS, and knows that he needs to help a bit at home and I do what I can. I daren't tell her DH has been ironing his shirts for the last few weeks. Like people have said, I think I will stop telling them what my DH does. Godd idea though about DH saying to her that he likes doing these things etc. I'll tell him to say that if she does make a comment to him, which she occasionally does.