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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be reluctant to cut this woman out? Poss. more of a WWYD.

24 replies

QueenNeurosis · 14/08/2010 21:29

I met a fantastic group of mums at a local Surestart group I was invited to when dd was around 10 weeks old. It was a real life line for me and we still meet up as a group 7 or so months on. All of the mums were in their mid-late 20s, early 30s like me and there were 2 mums in their late teens. One of the younger mums has, from the beginning, been a bit nasty to the other to the point that I commented on it. Things have improved somewhat but she is still incredibly negative, judgemental and offers some pretty dreadful advice, particularly to me. I don't care in the slightest and just chalk it up to her marking her position in the group and trying to fit in with us because we're older but I bumped into her with a friend of mine last week who was quite shcoked at the vile way in which she behaved towards me and in front of her ds and dd.

The other mums in our group are definitely pulling away from this girl now and I noticed last week that one of them with whom I usually get on really well with came to speak to me at playgroup, saw this other girl walking towards me and walked off.

We used to meet up as a group fairly regularly but as her behaviour has deteriorated as has her attitude towards her dd, a number of the other mums are choosing not to invite her. I, however, push for her to be invited as I am really concerned that she is isolated and not coping - to the extent that I've considered contacting the HV.

My friend who met her last week and whose opinion I respect greatly told me that she believes this girl is toxic and I need to get rid. I think it would be wrong to exclude her. AIBU and WWYD?

Thanks.

OP posts:

SloanyPony · 14/08/2010 21:34

If she is a horrible nasty piece of work, then I wouldn't try and "rescue" her to be honest. It will blow up in your face and you will compromise your social life.

Get rid.

teameric · 14/08/2010 21:37

She sounds horrible, I would keep my distance tbh, but like you I would be more concerned about her attitude toward her DD, maybe have a word with the HV about her if it makes you feel better, but I would definately cut her out as she does indeed sound toxic from what you have described, and she might have problems but they aren't your problem, do you really want someone like this around your DC?

MorrisZapp · 14/08/2010 21:39

If you want to reach out to her then I think in fairness you have to do that on your own time. Not fair to subject others to the company of somebody they actively dislike.

It isn't about excluding, it's about adults being free to choose who they spend their precious free time with.

Vallhala · 14/08/2010 21:39

You don't owe her any friendship, espeially if she is unpleasant. I'd walk away.

What sort of attitude is she displaying to you and to her DD?

DetectivePotato · 14/08/2010 21:42

I wouldn't continue a friendship with someone like this. She sounds awful. Can you elaborate and give some examples?

If someone is vile to me, especially to the point that others are horrified, I wouldn't want anything to do with them at all. If you aren't careful, the rest of the group may not invite you too if you insist on this woman being included.

SnailWhaleTail · 14/08/2010 21:42

We have a similar thing in our 'babygroup' but there is no age difference involved. The woman in question has gradually ( over 5 yrs) alienated all 6 of us others through not being truthful, malicious gossip etc but I had persevered as I felt a bit sorry for her because of her circumstances. I am now bowing out too though as it's all just too complicated.

My problem is how to do it now without making a scene as her child is now in the same class as mine at school! I have an event at my house to which I have invited all the others and it will be obvious that she has not been asked.

So, I would say that perhaps things may get more complicated for you in the future with this girl and if you don't actually like her as a person it might be better to leave her be and let the professionals help her out.

Good luck!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 14/08/2010 21:43

Sadly, some people are just not nice! Plain and simple. Unpleasant people.

Did you know her before the pregnancy? - you could tell better whether this was a new thing, or whether she is just a nasty person.

If you feel her child is at risk, then contact someone and voice your concerns. This is a seperate issue from deciding whether or not to continue trying to be friends with her.

But it doesn't sound like you are achieving anything, any change in her, by continuing to try to befriend her. And you risk alienating everyone else.

(excuse my spelling, I am using a different pc and haven't got that auto spellchecker on it, so I have no idea how many mistakes I am making )

itwasntme · 14/08/2010 21:43

I could not tolerate "friends" being rude to me in front of my children.

I would back away gently. It's not nice being around such negative people.

AlistairSim · 14/08/2010 21:49

Do you call her on her behaviour?

It sounds pretty bad if other people are commenting on it.

What does she actually do/say?

It's sad that you say she's not nice to her own DC.

Original poster

QueenNeurosis · 14/08/2010 21:55

Examples of how she treats me... erm... well, I always try to be friendly and am sometimes self-deprecating, which I think she's taken to mean I have self-doubts, which I don't (or not that I'd share with anyone other than dh or my close friends). I think she's also taken friendliness to mean a bit stupid. So she makes comments about me bf in public or 'jokes' about my dd being not very bright because she's easy-going and has suggested that she is being mis-treated at nursery because of an article her nan read in the DM... That I barely see dd because I work full-time. That I'm an old mum.

With her own dd she has zero patience and tries to discipline her - she's clearly bright as a button, but still only 10 mo. She shouts at her, punishes her the way you would a toddler and sometimes uses foul language with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

QueenNeurosis · 14/08/2010 21:57

When she makes outlandish claims/bigoted comments I say, 'I don't think that's the case' etc. I told her I that I thought it was obvious that she didn't like the other girl and that she should have a think about it.

OP posts:

AlistairSim · 14/08/2010 21:58

She does sound a charmer.

How do you and others react when she is like this?

MorrisZapp · 14/08/2010 21:59

I don't really get the dilemma here. 'Should I be friends with somebody I don't like' answers itself surely?

ZZZenAgain · 14/08/2010 22:00

is it because of her dd that you don't know what to do?

I wouldn't feel any reluctance to cut this woman out of my life tbh

DetectivePotato · 14/08/2010 22:01

She sounds like she is totally belittling you. No way would I be friends with someone like this.

Original poster

QueenNeurosis · 14/08/2010 22:05

I think I feel - not responsible exactly - but that we were a manufactured group of people and our meetings were helpful for all of us at the beginning. It just doesn't feel right to carry on meeting as a group for nights out etc and just miss one of the group members out, particularly because I think her behaviour is directly linked to the fact that she's not coping. I'm not asking for whether I should be 'friends' with her as I've got fantastic friends outside the group. My concern is whether we should just cut adrift a woman with the greatest needs out of all of us.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 14/08/2010 22:11

I would do it without a second thought. Has your support thus far helped her or changed her parenting?

Offer her help if you feel she needs it but why subject others to this unpleasant company.

DetectivePotato · 14/08/2010 22:12

Its up to you obviously, but the other members of your group have already made their minds up and you may end up excluded too if you insist on them including this woman.

I don't care if she is in need (sorry I know its harsh) but she doesn't sound like a nice person anyway and I can't see what that has to do with her needing help. This sounds like it is her personality. If you think she is struggling with her DC etc, point her in the direction of someone who can help her, HV etc. Other than that, what can you do?

I wouldn't take kindly to someone 'joking' about my child not being bright. She knows what she is saying.

TheCrackFox · 14/08/2010 22:15

I'm not sure that you can really be friends with someone if it is about a sense of duty/pity.

TBH it might be worth speaking to your HV about her. She might refer her to Homestart which is a befriending service for new mums.

Original poster

QueenNeurosis · 14/08/2010 22:20

Thanks everyone for your honesty - you've reiterated what my friends and dh have said. I don't know how I'll go about withdrawing from her at playgroup etc but I'll probably not go for a few weeks.

Thanks for the heads up about Homestart, Crackfox. I'll think about contacting the hv next week.

OP posts:

KiwiKat · 14/08/2010 22:37

I wouldn't invite her to participate with the others, as they've made it clear they don't choose her company. But rather than withdraw from her at playgroup, I would call her on her behaviour - she may think she's being funny or clever and not realise that she's being nasty. Something along the lines of "that wasn't a very nice thing to say" in response to one of her comments.

blackrock · 14/08/2010 22:58

Have had a similar experience. Unfortunately, I think people find it hard to change, so the relationship with her would remain the same unless she herself starts to see what she is doing, which sounds unlikely.

It will impact how your own child perceives you later when they are older, if the contact remains in the same vein. It also may impact on your child.

I think leaving the 'friendship' would be wise. Perhaps she will begin to see that she is driving people away, or more likely not.

After having my fingers burnt, I have found just being polite, but not taking up any offers of meet ups, or asking to meet up seems to create distance rapidly and quickly without trouble.

cupcakesandbunting · 14/08/2010 23:23

Queen, do not feel guilty about cutting this girl out. A few years back, I cut out one of my oldest school friends because of the person she became (judgemental, vindictive, spiteful, competitive) and it was like a weight had been lifted. You CAN choose your friends and you owe her nothing, harsh as it seems.

BagofHolly · 15/08/2010 01:06

By dropping her, you're giving her feedback on her behaviour, and that is a gift. Bin her, she sounds ghastly.

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