to think that my mother should keep her gob shut?

[ModreB]

My mother looks after ds3 (10yo) while I work. She comes to my house and I provide breakfast and lunch, drinks etc, and dinner in the evening if she wants to stay and eat. DS 1 & 2 both older teens. While I appreciate all that she does for us, and often say "Thank you", she never ever has a good thing to say. She always points out the negatives, always comments on what I am doing wrong, never says that I look good, only comments when in her opinion I dont look so great.

Example, came home from work last night, got home at 5pm, had left the house at 7.30am. (DP stayed with DS3 until mum got here at 10am) I walked in, took off my jacket, and the first words out of her mouth "Oh, I like that top but it is too tight on you, shows off your belly." Yes I have a belly, but I am in my 40's, 3 DC's, ffs, and it is a LOT smaller than it was 5 years ago, having lost about 6 stone. It might not sound a lot, but this is CONSTANT every day. It really grinds me down, and TBH feels a bit like bullying. It's as if she thinks that because she does a lot for us, which I acknowledge, she is entitled to make unpleasant personal remarks when she pleases.

AIBU if I tell her that if she cant say something nice, then dont say anything at all?

I'd change my childcare.

Is this only a holiday arrangement?

No, she picks up DS3 from school and brings him back to my house, and has him every day in the hols. DS3 adores her, and loves the time he spends with her. She is great with him, and it is just me that gets the personal digs all the bloody time.

After yesterday, DS2, (17yo) actually said to her "that's not a nice thing to say," and she said "Well it's true"

Change your childcare. Very simple.

Not so simple to change childcare arrangements though is it.

I get comments from my mum like the one about your belly. I'd reply with something like: 'well dh says I look sexy in it so I don't really care what you think'

Did she offer to do the childcare or did you ask her ? I know a couple of family members who have very strained relationships with grandmothers who have felt oblidged to agree to doing the childcare. Perhaps there is some resentment on her part ? Can't be healthy for any of your kids to hear the exchanges so I'd think about making alternative arrangements.

Hm. It's probably worth saying to her that you are sure she doesn;t mean it but you find some of her comments hurtful. That you feel sensitive about your looks and body and could she not comment on them.

It's really nice that your older boys are sensitive to her comments too and that they have the confidence and the desire to stick up for you. That's lovely.

I think that if my children realised I got a bit of a hard time from the grandparents, that would make it easier for me to shrug off. I would start making a few little jokes with them like, 'I wonder if gran'll like this top (knowing grin)' and then it just wouldn't seem to bother me as much.

In fact, this is sort of what happens with my dds and my dad .

No, she offered to do this. As I said, the 3 DC's love her, she is really good with them. It's not just the belly stuff, she is critical of pretty much everything that I do (I am an only child) and has been like this for years.

I dont clean properly, cook properly, iron properly, walk the dog properly, drive properly.

God, just read that and I sound like a stroppy teenager myself. Maybe I should just rise above it.

Collude a little with your older dss at least.

You need retorts for each critism and just repeat them every time she critises

eg. 'your driving is rubbish' reply: well I haven't crashed yet

'you can't clean properly' reply: 'I have better things to do with my time

and so on

Familiarity breeds contempt, yes I agree, arrange other childcare, but do it in a kind way.

My Mom used to say things like that, eg. I thought you were on a diet? A second on your lips, forever on your hips etc. Because of her age and respect, I rarely bit back as she tuked into a fry-up!

She'd also say 'you don't want to get big like me!'

I know, but it's so wearing. I think that she might even be jealous. She never got the opportunities that I have had, and I know that having me was never in her plans, and that she always felt held back by me.

YANBU, My mum is the same, I am slowly but surely starting to think she is a poisonous old witch, which is really unfair because in actual fact she is simply turning into her own mother who has succeeded in upsetting my mum her whole life.

I have tried to talk to her about it but she, like my Nanna is just so unbelievably defensive it turns into a guilt trip sodden world war 3.

I have nothing to suggest apart from disengaging as much you can, which is hard when she has you over a barrel with childcare

or why not start making the same comments to her?

So when she says something about your tummy, reply "Yes, I know. Yours is huge too, why don't we both join weightwatchers?"

I know it's childish and the more mature thing would be to respond to her criticisms - not in a defensive way -, like saying "Well, I'm happy with the way I am" or "It doesn't affect you so don't worry about it." etc. But my god giving her a taste of how it feels would really pass a message!

I think I'd say "oh well looking at yours, the tummy is clearly hereditary"

When she comments on all the other things, smile sweetly and say what a good job it is that she's around to notice for you.

My MIL can throw out several toxic comments in the blink of an eye, you have my sympathies but I'd personally try to maintain the arrangement as it obviously works other than these reasons.

Maybe just reply with "Wow, what an inappropriate thing to say."

Two issues really:

1. Your mother is clearly quite comfortable making unpleasant, bitchy comments, which isn't nice or reasonable but it's clearly part of her character and she's unlikely to change.

2. If you had more distance from your mother, this wouldn't affect you nearly as much. She wouldn't have the opportunity for a start. And because she's in your house daily, that gives rise to the comments about your housework, cooking, what you wear to work......

I would change your childcare. Really. No, it's not simple, or cheap, but it is the only way to change the situation, as you are unlikely ever to change her.

Another thought - do you really want this sort of role model for your kids? Would you find it acceptable for a nanny or childminder to be making vicious personal comments about you in front of your children?

Therein lies your answer.