Living abroad - How often does your family visit you?

[WidowWadman]

Do they ever or do you always have to do the travelling?
Do you get a lot "Oh, I'd like to see you more often", "When are you coming over again?""Such a shame that we see our granddaughter/niece/cousin so rarely", but never real plans of visits.

Do people promise to visit and then never do it, e.g. because flights/ferry tickets are so expensive? But then go onto a package holiday twice within the space of 3 months?

Am I being unreasonable to wonder if I reduced my efforts of going over to see them to the same amount of effort they make to see me, I'd never see them again?

It's not only that I miss them, and that the majority of my annual leave and holiday budget goes on going home to see family and friends, which is often more running around and stress than holidays, but I'm also kind of sad that people don't seem to want to come and see what the place I've chosen to be my home is like.

Just wondering whether it's just me and I've got the wrong expectations. Or whether it's just my family being utterly utterly thoughtless, or whether it's kind of normal when you move away.

I live down south and my family live up north
my sister and her family and mybrother and his family have visited me once in the ten years I've moved here

the onus definietly seems to be on me to travel 'back home'

I don't actually like staying in other peoples houses any more, me and the dcs don't sleep as well and when my parents downsize I'm not sure they'll have room for us

I cannot wait for my extended family to go back home and stop interfering!! Distance is a GOOD thing.

Unfortunately my MIL moved close by due to 3rd marriage to a local. She's never been very interested in us (called only a handful of times in 6 years), until now we have a baby. She has said such mean things, I made the executive decision that she is not welcome to visit. No confrontation, no arguments... just cut her off. Sigh of relief.

I've been living abroad for about a decade now, in four different countries (and continents).
From my experience, OP, I'd say your expectations are too high.
I also disagree that the line of thought 'the onus to visit family and friends should be on the person who moved away' is a small-town mentality: I think it's fair.

Happily, at the moment we live in a tourist-destination in central Europe. So aside from me, DH and DD, there are lots of incentives for people to come here (free holiday, free accomodation, cheap and plentiful flights to UK). So we are inundated with visitors (which equals babysitters!), and have plenty of room to put them up, which is great.

However, my sister lives about 8 hours' drive/1 hour flight from close family and friends, but her city is not a place you'd visit for pleasure! So she has not had a fraction of the visitors I have had: the place you live in is possibly more responsible for visitors than a desire to see you!

Previously I lived in a war-torn African country that had one airline visiting per week, at a cost of £1k return from the UK, if you managed to get a visa. My brother and sister did make an intrepid journey out to stay, but I would never have expected anyone else to of course.

In between these examples, DH's father lives in Australia - he and his partner emigrated seven years ago. We've been to visit once in this time, and DH's father generously paid for our flights are we were skint graduates at the time. They've been over to see us about four times, including for our wedding, and last year to meet their granddaughter. They'd love us to visit them, but the cost of return flights for three, the unappealing long flight, the jetlag at the other end and the time off work to make a worthwhile trip has stopped us going so far. At 18 months dd is too young to appreciate Australia too.

Instead, we're paying half of their airfare for another visit next year. It's easier for Mohammed to come to the mountain and all that...

When I look at future postings (we have to move every four years with our jobs), I take most account of desirability of the location to potential visitors, flight links to the UK and cost of flights, and the size of house we'd be able to live in for putting people up.

Eg, if we were to go back to Africa, I'd probably only choose somewhere like Nairobi or Dar es Salaam (next to Zanzibar), or Cape Town. But for now I'd rather stay in Europe with those Easyjet links.

As for phone calls: skype is the only answer I'm afraid, but I do twice as much calling and emailing than the people back home. Such is the downside of moving away.

My parents have done a trip to see us each year we've been overseas, so they've been out to the ME once and once to Asia. They are coming again to Asia at Christmas which will be lovely- mainly to meet first grandchild.

In those 2 years, I've been back about 6 times in total as well, but that's about to fall dramatically as about to have baby. However, still expect to do one longish trip to the UK (3 weeks) each summer.

My mum and dad are retired so time isn't a problem. We usually split the cost of their visits with them.

I appreciate their visits but I wouldnt want them to feel obliged. I dont mind going back to see them- I quite like it in fact.

my parents moved away to France and expected my brother and I to always travel there to see them, rather than them come 'home' to us...of course free holiday is lovely (ie free accommodation) but 5 times a year expectation was a bit excessive

I would love to move abroad, but if we did would expect it to work both ways with family, but me to go home more often than friends came to me

Visiting my mother (in France) isnt a free holiday though, its not relaxing - things have to be done "her" way. I am on pins all the time lest i am seen as not pulling me weight around the house ( i dont expect to be waited on hand and foot btw). We ended up having a huge row and i cant "risk" my one holiday of the year being ruined again

duffy I agree, visiting relatives "at home" is not relaxing for me either. sooo many relatives and friends to visit. and all those family dynamics are hard work for me.
we make sure that we have one family holiday, e.g. dh, me and the dc camping every year to make up for it.

skype is great and I like that I can switch it off easily :)

Thing is, if you´ve got around to moving away, you´d think people would be interested to visit somewhere new.

Rather than you keep dragging back to the place that you left!

I've lived in Germany since 1992, due to my job, not selfish reasons???? My Mum has visited 3 times (currently here now on 3rd visit, but that is because I am due today). One of my sisters has visited once, the other two have never bothered and my brother is always making plans but never actually males it over.

Now some of my friends come over as often as they can, which is nice.

The only thing that really bothers me is that one of my sisters, who moved 'down south', the remainder of the family living up north, expects me to visit her when I travel to the UK but will never come to see me when I come over. I always base myself at our Mum's, so its not that hard to find me.

Now that I'm married and DH's family live in Wales, we have alot of mileage to cover, so much so that after visiting our families, I need couple of days back at my place in Germany to recover.

It has not put me off though and in about 6 years, my DH and me are hoping to move to NZ, if they don't visit, well they'll miss some great opportunities.

We moved to the West Coast of the States just over 2 years ago and I have been back with my 2 under 5s on my own twice. My parents tell me not to bother as they will (and have) come to see us. They very kindly paid for my db and his family to come and see us last summer.

ILs expect me to hire a car and drive 4 hours to go and see them and were put out when I got there and didn't want to spend the entire week driving around. Fortunately they have sold one of their houses and are out in the US now visiting us, but there is definite resentment that we have moved away. I do understand that, but dh would have lost his job, had he not accepted the transfer here and my part-time teaching contract was not renewed after my maternity leave so would have had to move anyway, or risk losing the house. My Dad always said that you regret the things you don't do and to take this fantastic opportunity with both hands. That is what we intend to do!

OP, when you move away from your Mother Country, you are the Bad Person who has broken everyone's hearts and abandoned your family and friends.

I am an expat and have discussed this situation with other expats, most of whom have a similar story to tell.

The worst place to visit when you're an expat is your home country, as instead of freely choosing where to go (based on the best city, restaurants, mountains, beaches, islands or whatever), family pressures can make it that you have to drag your young family around all the crap towns that your extended family live in, making it a hectic schedule (on top of a long-haul flight) that can hardly be described as a holiday.

And do these people ever come to Blighty to visit you? Do they fuck.

I totally agree, im from canada and ive been living in switzerland for 8 years. I go back about 2 times a years and rarely ever have any visitors. my father is retired and has enough money to fly to cuba twice a year. My sister is finacially well off but has only been here once. I have always made the effort to go home and i have the feeling that if i didnt i would never see my family. My hubby and i are planning on having children soon and we wont be able to go as often because i wont be working full-time. It will hurt me when they dont come over here but i have to get on with my life and look out for my own family.

I havent seen my family for 8 years.I saw my pil 3 years ago.My parents are too old and ill to travel and Im too broke.Ive kind of come to terms with thats how its gonna be :(

What snobear4000 said, but Oz, not Blighty. :(

When we moved to Oz from the UK, PIL came three times to visit us. My parents live in Singapore and have visited once in 12 years. However, I try to see them at least once a year. DH's family say they want to visit but so far only one niece has (on a round the world trip). His siblings can afford it.

We try to visit the UK every so often but it is very expensive. We try and plan a trip to another European country when we are back to avoid the being stuck in crap family town syndrome. Last time the four of us had a fab time in Italy; the time before France.

We keep in touch by phone and skype but have reconciled ourselves to the fact that as we moved away, we have to put in the effort.