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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my daughter to leave

20 replies

mrsgoose · 13/08/2010 15:26

Any parents of older children out there? What would you do with a pain in the arse 20 year old daughter. We have always had quite a tempestuous relationship, probably made worse by me always giving in to her moods and tantrums when she was younger- big mistake, realised too late. Anyhow she moved out last year and went to live in a hostel.Only lasted 4 months before she got kicked out and then she got a flat but got kicked out of there too.Both times for smoking skunk and having night time rows with her boyfriend. She begged to come home, promising she'd be good but after 3 days she started being an utter cow again- calling me evil names out of the blue, refusing to pay the little rent we agreed on and running up a huge phone bill. I've now discovered that the waitressing job she had is in fact a lie and instead she's a lap dancer and 'a bloody good one too'! She's making a lot of money but its all going on skunk and her charming forever jobless boyfriend. Am I being unreasonable for wanting her to go and live her seedy life somewhere else?

OP posts:
Nemofish · 13/08/2010 15:28

YANBU for wanting her to be elsewhere...

But YABU in so much as it would seem you set her up for this kind of life, leading her to believe that she can pout and stamp her feet to get whatever she wants.

Chil1234 · 13/08/2010 15:31

YANBU... you're probably not as much to blame for her personality as you are making out either. She's an adult and capable of making her own decisions about good and bad behaviour. Pack her bags, disconnect the phone, change the locks.. and say you'll be pleased to see her again when she's sorted herself out.

Good luck

DuelingFanjo · 13/08/2010 15:33

Clearly she has the cash to rent a place of her own now so YANBU to make her leave and stand on her own two feet.

DuelingFanjo · 13/08/2010 15:33

Clearly she has the cash to rent a place of her own now so YANBU to make her leave and stand on her own two feet.

minipie · 13/08/2010 15:36

Can see it both ways.

You could see it as a last opportunity to turn your daughter into a decent human being. Impose "your house your rules" (no drugs, no insults, rent and bills paid) and give her the choice of complying with them or moving out.

Nothing especially wrong with being a lap dancer btw, it's her other behaviour that's the issue.

Original poster
mrsgoose · 13/08/2010 15:37

It's just that some people are of the opinion that 'you never stop being their parent, no matter how horrible that child is choosing to be' and make me feel guilty for wanting my quiet,semi- respectable life back and for my wanting her to go away and grow up and take responsibility for her actions.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsgoose · 13/08/2010 15:40

I agree minipie, there are worse jobs, but it's not exactly what we dream about for our little girls, is it? :(

OP posts:
Squitten · 13/08/2010 15:43

I wouldn't kick her out for being a lap-dancer but I definitely would for not paying rent, running up bills and behaving like a toddler.

Yes, you are her parent but I think it's your job not to enable her to be a miserable human being and I think she needs to realise that she can't behave this way. Cruel to be kind

splashy · 13/08/2010 15:43

I don't think its a question of whether you are being unreasonable or not, just that your daughter clearly needs support and help to change her lifestyle.

You may be right that 'tough love' is the best option, but I do hope that she still gets the support she so clearly needs and you are still involved in her life.

minipie · 13/08/2010 15:47

Well no of course it isn't. But in terms of priorities, I'd be more concerned about the fact she's unpleasant to you than the fact she's a lap dancer ...

I don't think you should feel guilty for not liking her much. Nor should you feel you have a duty to let her live with you no matter what. But, you may be one of the few people who has any influence on her, give it another go and see if you can improve her at all.

Chil1234 · 13/08/2010 15:52

" your daughter clearly needs support and help to change her lifestyle."

She has support and has opted to return the favour with abuse. A lot of people that age go through tough times as they try to find their way in life. They find their parents irritating as standard. They will not be helped until and unless they want to be helped. She has a job so she has the ability to pay rent somewhere. Mrsgoose, I'm sure, would still be there if she got into really bad trouble..... It would be the act of a loving parent to find her somewhere to live and deposit her there.

Original poster
mrsgoose · 13/08/2010 15:55

I think she stopped listening to me a long time ago, just sees me as a cash cow. I know the skunk is probably contributing to her anger and foul mouth but how can you begin to help or support someone who doesn't want your help. Makes me feel sad really, that I don't like my own daughter.

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 13/08/2010 15:59

YANBU

You cannot help a 20 that doesn't want to be helped.

In view of her contempt towards you and reluctance to pay her rent I would tell her to move out. How much more should you be expected to endure?

Chil1234 · 13/08/2010 16:02

You don't have to like them to love them. You don't have to like them at the screaming baby stage, the awkward toddler stage, the truculent teen stage....and the know-it-all twenties stage is no different. Absence, in my experience, really does make the heart grown fonder. I've known a lot of people who's kids strike out in their twenties then but start to see sense five or ten years down the track. Apart, she'll think of you a lot more positively than if you continue to be thrown together where she'll keep rehearsing old behaviour patterns from her childhood....

A cash incentive - advance payment on a flat? - never goes amiss.

catinthehat2 · 13/08/2010 16:07

No, I agree, it's not really good enough is it MrsGoose? Definitely 3/10 territory in my book.

reptile · 13/08/2010 16:27

YANBU, but it must be very painful, even though you know you're right. She's an adult, even though she's still a child to you and is old enough to show you respect.

LoveMyGirls · 13/08/2010 16:31

I would tell her it's not about the job, the skunk or the useless boyfriend (although obv none are ideal) it's about her lack of respect for her parents and until she is prepared to treat you with respect she is not welcome to live under your roof.

At some point she is bound to get pregnant the useless boyfriend will probably disappear of his own accord, her lap dancing job won't want her and unless she is stupid enough to put the health of her child at risk she will have to stop smoking too so eventually it will natually come to an end but her lack of respect for you isn't going anywhere unless you make a stand. There is a chance once she has children of her own she will realise what a cow she was and will be very apologetic but by then she could have done quite a bit of damage to your relationship. 20 years of giving into her every whim is enough in my book.

Good Luck!

Heracles · 13/08/2010 18:15

Lap dancing pays well, so the lack of rent would bother me!

20's plenty old enough to get your own place.

mumeeee · 13/08/2010 18:27

YANBU. Yes she night need some support but she has no right to treat you like she does, I would try and talk to her and tell her she can only stay if she starts treating you with respect and that she pays rent.

catinthehat2 · 14/08/2010 13:39

Oh dear, the OP only stayed to get 1/2 hour of advice, I thought she would need much longer than that to get to the bottom of her problem.

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