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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to go out when friends are staying

25 replies

iambach · 12/08/2010 21:41

i have friend who lives about 45 mins from me. Her partner of 7 years has left her and i wish i could do more to support and comfort her but as i am married with 3 small kids i just haven't done as much as i would have liked.

Last night she told me she is exhausted as she isn't sleeping as feels scared at night on her own. I totallly understand this as it was like that for me when my hub worked away.

So she asked when i'd be free to come over for a girls night in and i provisionally said next sat but now my hubs says his best mate and his wife are coming to stay fri and sat night and is now saying id be out of order to go. Would i? I will spend friday night with them and surely as its HIS friends he'll be fine having a night with them himself or am i being a selfish cow.

OP posts:

squeaver · 12/08/2010 21:42

If you made your arrangement first, then you should stick with it.

loopyloops · 12/08/2010 21:43

hmmmm which arrangement was made first?

I'd go out, but my DH would never say that was unreasonable, unless I'd invited the friends.

cheesesarnie · 12/08/2010 21:43

yanbu.your being there for your friend.im sure his friends will understand!

ChippingIn · 12/08/2010 21:46

Well, if you have both made plans and they clash, something has to give - why should it be your friend?

Out of order for you to go??? Tell him for your next Anniversary you'd like a crystal ball - ffs - unless he told you, how were you supposed to know they were staying when you made your plans? (Does he normally invite people to stay without running it by you first?).

Madinitials · 12/08/2010 21:47

I agree that you should go see your friend but maybe tell DH to warn his friends that you'll be out on Saturday night, they may want to re-book

Vallhala · 12/08/2010 21:47

You're being far from selfish! You've offered to give a shoulder to cry on when you could be laughing and joking with DH and his friends.

The way I see it is that these are DHs friends and not yours and that DH has invited them to stay. Thus it's his responsibility to entertain them. I'm sure you would if you could but you have a prior engagement. You and DH aren't joined at the hip are you?!

Perhaps have a quiet word with the wife of DH's friend and say that you're sorry that you won't be there next Sat evening, though of course you'll be there the rest of the time, but you are going to spend time with a friend in need? Appeal to her sense of compassion and understanding? And if she's cool with it, her DH and thus YOUR DH should be.

Heaven forbid, but one day, you might need your friend's comfort and strength. That's what friends are for.

ChippingIn · 12/08/2010 21:47

Would your friend like to come and stay the night at yours? I'm sure a settee would be fine if she's that fed up/scared of being on her own. It might be nice to have a change of scenery and some different people to talk to ??

Original poster

iambach · 12/08/2010 21:50

He had mentioned that they were maybe coming up that week but not for sure. they have made plans before and not kept them more than once so wasn't too certain they'd come.

Hubby also said something about them NOT coming because he starts new job next week.

I am well annoyed. He thinks i am being out of order and has said 'oh do what you like'
but that is so unfair imo.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 12/08/2010 21:50

YANBU. Tell him you're going as planned, he's welcome to rearrange if necessary.

I'm sure his friends will understand, even if he doesn't!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 12/08/2010 21:51

You only said provisionally to her so can your rearrange, personlly if I was going to stay with someone for the weekend and one half disappeared one night I would think that very odd.

Original poster

iambach · 12/08/2010 21:57

Unfortunately my hubby would prefer we were joined at the hip. I on the other hand like my own company and some space. Can't stand feeling controlled and we do have arguments about this where i say this and he says 'my idea of marriage is spending quality time together'.

Friend can't come and stay as we live in a tiny 2 bed cottage with 3 kids. They are coming with their child so it'll be a squash and a squeeze already. I will have a crap nigths sleep as will have to sleep in with my dc3 in a crap kids bed. Another reason i'd like to go to friends on sat i will actually get a sleep.

i'm a horrible cow aren't i.

OP posts:

Original poster

iambach · 12/08/2010 22:02

i could rearrange but i can only go on a weekend night as hubby needs to be off next day to have kids. She needs me NOW. How much of a friend would i be if i said 'oh ok, you haven't been sleeping, you are heartbroken, you want me to come over? How about saturday 2 weeks from now?'

And to be honest i wouldn't care if his friends think its odd.How odd to think it!

OP posts:

FiveGoMadInDorset · 12/08/2010 22:04

OK so I am odd. Still think it is rude. But that is the way I have been brought up.

Vallhala · 12/08/2010 22:06

No you are NOT a horrible cow!

You're a lovely friend, the type of which I would love to have (and I do have pals like you and value them tremendously).

You're also a wise woman who can see that you will get little sleep with house guests staying overnight and might just preserve your sanity if you stay with a pal who has room to accommodate you!

Is it possible that your DH is a bit humpity because he will have to look after your DCs alone whilst entertaining his (yes, HIS!) friends in your absence?

PorphyrophillicPixie · 12/08/2010 22:07

Go! Your friend needs you, his friends don't. I'd rather be a good friend to the ones I have then sit there feeling terrible whilst socialising with somebody elses friends! They'll think you're odd for not being there for your friend too!

Minxie1977 · 12/08/2010 22:07

YANBU - at all. Your mate needs you and if shoe was on other foot, you'd want her there. I try to treat how I like to be treated. If you explian situ to his friends surely they'll just think how nice you are to support your friend. I might think it odd if you were going out on the lash but not if you said my friend needs me while she's devastated. Besides which you'll get a good nights kip - HEAVEN!!

Original poster

iambach · 12/08/2010 22:17

i think i will text my hubs friends wife and see what she says. The thing is i know they would be fine with it. It is my hubby that will have the hump.

OP posts:

proudnsad · 12/08/2010 22:25

Don't text! Call her tomorrow. Yanbu but texting always comes across as either flippant or defensive (weirdly)

Original poster

iambach · 12/08/2010 22:27

i don't really know the wife well enough to just ring her. i would normally just text. I know her hubby a bit better could ring him maybe.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 12/08/2010 22:36

iambach - I would text her, to me it somehow seems less 'going behind Dh's back' to text the wife of the couple than to ring the DH of the couple (not sure why, just does :) )

Explain that you thought they'd cancelled as her DH is starting his new job and in the meantime you have made arrangements to spend the night with a friend who is having a rough time, so sorry you wont be there on Sat night, but are really looking forward to seeing them Friday night.

Job done.

Will teach DH make firm plans with people when he expects you to be there too :)

Original poster

iambach · 12/08/2010 22:42

yes think i will text the wife.

Still so pissed off with my hubby.

Think we are having a 'rough' patch ourselves. He is all clingy and needy and possesive and i feel suffocated and controlled. Argh why is life never easy???

OP posts:

JumpingUp · 12/08/2010 22:48

Ooh, don't like the sound of clingy and needy .

I think it is unfortunate that you won't be there but it is an emergency.

Also, I agree with someone above - I reckon your DH was hoping to have a late boozy night and now he knows he will have to get up with the dcs in the morning on Sunday.

I hope you have a "good" time with your friend. x

Original poster

iambach · 12/08/2010 22:51

he would have to get up with the kids anyway as i work on a sunday from 8am. Only day i work and he would like me not to so we could spend time together. See a pattern. SHould i just give in and jump in his fecking pocket.

This is growing into something much more. Must breathe.....

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 13/08/2010 18:39

How are things going?

Do you want to talk about the 'much much more' or just ignore it for a bit longer... here if you want to chat.

RunawayWife · 13/08/2010 18:49

His friends, his problem, you go

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