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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just want a tiny bit of help

24 replies

AngelHMum · 11/08/2010 21:43

Not everyday, not even every week, but just now and again would be nice.

DH and I both work full time, I work 6 days a week and he works 5. He is out of the house by 6.30am each morning and I am up about the same time but not in work until 9am.

We have 4 DC one has sn and requires 4 hours of physio a day plus turning and moving in the night. Which is almost always done by me (DH did it after I had a C section but when I was recovered it was business as usual).

I get up each day and organise the children either to school or childcare, go to work, collect children, get home, get the dinner on, set the table, feed and change the baby, DH comes home to find dinner either ready or almost ready.
After dinner, we have more physio then bath and bedtime is up to me as he seems incapable of doing anything other than reading the paper. Then he usually has a nap in his armchair.

I have just spent the past hour and a half cleaning, hoovering and ironing which is not unusual - housework has to be done sometime after all but he's sat and watched the football.

However, all I would like just occasionally is for him to get the dinner ready for me (especially on a Saturday when I work and he doesn't) or have a cup of tea ready for me when I've put the little ones to bed, or run me a bath when I've done the housework, or do the ironing while he's watching the footie and I do something else.

Am I being unreasonable ? Sorry if it's a bit of a rant but I'm so tired tonight and I know men often don't see all the jobs that need doing, and he's probably just being a bloke - but why doesn't he notice I'm exhausted tonight?

OP posts:

lizandlulu · 11/08/2010 21:53

yanbu, bloody tell him to run you a bath while you put your feet up, then bring you a cuppa in the bath

sounds like you are doing a wonderful job, men just need a kick up the backside everynow and a again!

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/08/2010 22:00

Well YABU 'to want help' - because that means that you see it as all your responsibility. It's not. YANBU to want to have a fairer division of labour, because the responsibility belongs to you both.

You need to sit down together and EXPLICITLY divide the household tasks between you. Have you ever actually had a conversation about it, or is this just a way of living that crept up on you?

HumphreyCobbler · 11/08/2010 22:00

of course you are not unreasonable

but I do think you have let this situation come about.

You should be having a full and frank discussion, possibly with a spreadsheet of how you spend my time verses how he spends his.

Squitten · 11/08/2010 22:02

So you actually work one day more than him and yet have pretty much all the household responsibilities?

Doesn't sound fair at ALL and you definitely need to address it

saintlydamemrsturnip · 11/08/2010 22:02

It sounds unsustainable.

Do you get direct payments or respite? - Although you are bearing the brunt even if he helped out more you still have an awful lot to deal with.

londonartemis · 11/08/2010 22:03

YANBU, but you must tell him, otherwise this will fester and fester and your relationship will be badly damaged.

maxpower · 11/08/2010 22:05

YADNBU - but have you ever told him this is unreasonable?

SingItBack · 11/08/2010 22:06

YANBU. Have you thought about getting a cleaner? It takes one of the burdens off your shoulders. Agree with others who have said you need to talk to him and explain how you feel.

I am rather in awe though, 4 kids and both work FT - well done, it must be really really hard work!

TheCrackFox · 11/08/2010 22:07

YANBU

TBH I don't know how you cope. Can your DH not see that you are stretched to the limit? This cannot be good for your mental of physical health.

foureleven · 11/08/2010 22:07

He is being incredibly unreasonable but soare you in thinking this is typical man behaviour. It is not.

It is typical unappreciatie, lazy, useless bastard behaviour.

Original poster

AngelHMum · 11/08/2010 22:10

Oh yes - it's been discussed, believe me it's been discussed

I have tried to assign him jobs - they just don't get done and then I get cross.

Tbh - some of it he can't do like the morning physio, school run or setting the table and feeding the baby because he just physically isn't home in time. He has a 90 minute commute and I work local to home.

He could bath the children but whereas I seem to manage to get it done in half an hour he'd still be getting them in the bath after half an hour.

I suppose I've learnt to run a tight ship and have a routine where the children run rings around him.

I do have it down to fine art but every now and then I just want a break or a bit of tlc.

I like the idea of a spreadsheet - or maybe I should get him a star chart instead

OP posts:

Original poster

AngelHMum · 11/08/2010 22:12

saintlydamemrsturnip - no we don't get any respite - ds doesn't have any challenging issues - just physical disability.

OP posts:

lilmrschatty · 11/08/2010 22:21

YANBU Well done for managing to fit all of that in! I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but you are a super mum for doing everything you do!

LucyLouLou · 11/08/2010 22:24

I can't believe your DH doesn't even cook for you or do household jobs on his day off! YADNBU and I would change things ASAP if I was you. You deserve a break. You sound like a wonderful mother, but you need some time to yourself once in a while!

SingItBack · 11/08/2010 22:27

maybe you need to let go a bit and leave him to it. Perhaps if it were his responsibility to bath the children and put them to bed, he would realise that he needed to get them in and out of the bath a lot quicker?

You would have to sit on your hands and not intervene though

Original poster

AngelHMum · 11/08/2010 22:29

LucyLouLou - I do get some time off - once a fortnight I have a night out with the girls and he babysits so the housework gets stuffed that night . I'm probably not as downtrodden as I made myself sound.

Just feeling sorry for myself tonight.

OP posts:

cat64 · 11/08/2010 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

AngelHMum · 11/08/2010 22:40

I did have a cleaner and ironer a while back, but she moved out of the area and I've struggled to replace her. It's something I'd love to organise again because it did help.

We do get dla but it gets spent on special equipment and extra private physio as our local nhs just can't provide enough support. They don't have the staff.

I tried to get some help from Homestart a while back but our application was rejected - we were deemed to be coping.

Our ds tries to be as independent as he can bless him but it's difficult. We just cope with the hand we've been dealt - because we have to.

My dh does work hard and financially is supportive so I can't complain on that score.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/08/2010 23:33

"Oh yes - it's been discussed, believe me it's been discussed

I have tried to assign him jobs - they just don't get done and then I get cross."

Well, that needs to be addressed, not accepted as you seem to be doing. And again, I think your approach is a problem - by 'assigning' him jobs, you are still making it YOUR job. It's not your job. Household tasks belong to the household. Is he or is he not part of the household?

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/08/2010 23:35

And if it takes him so long to bath the children, well it's his time he's wasting. Practice makes perfect. :)

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 11/08/2010 23:41

You need to leave him to it a bit more I think. Hard I know when you know you can do things more quickly/better, but you have to let him find his own way.

Sit down again and divvy things up. Split areas of responsibility, so him cooking on X days, you on others. He does all the dusting and hoovering, you do the ironing.
The problem if you have some kind of rota is that he will leave things on his days safe in the knowledge that soon it will be your turn and it will all get done.

CupcakesHay · 11/08/2010 23:42

I'd speak to him honestly and say that you'd like him to do more, because you're getting tired. Explain that you'd be happy if it was just a dinner on Saturday when you work, or doing the kids baths (like you say - practice makes perfect... and if there's a footie game on, I bet they'd be done and dusted in 5 mins!)

Also - try and find a cleaner again - because it sounds like you are having no "me" time - and i know commuting is no fun - but at least your DH can read a book or read paper. That was always the best bit about commuting!

Original poster

AngelHMum · 12/08/2010 00:00

You're right I know you are - I need to sort it out. It has crept up on me and I've just taken on more and more to keep things running.

My mum used to come down and help me out every few weeks but she had a stroke last year and is now in a persistent vegetative state. That's not helped and I do do miss her - even just for our chats. I used to let it all out to her and she'd come and rescue me for a few days but that's gone forever now.
Even I didn't really appreciate how much her help meant until she wasn't there anymore.

I will have to make time and really spell it out for him. It would be hard to hear the chaos of bath time for a few days/weeks/months and not intervene but it does need to be done doesn't it ?

OP posts:

sunnydelight · 12/08/2010 00:57

Of course YANBU. It sounds like you are under a lot of pressure and you need to do something about it before it all gets too much for you - sorry to hear about your mum, it must be really difficult for you not to at least have her emotional support.

You need to sit down with your DH and explain that things HAVE to change - not, "can you help me more please", more of a "you probably don't even realise how much gets left to me, but I am really strugging to do it all by myself and I need you to pull your weight more". Give him SPECIFIC things to do and once you have handed over responsibility let him get on with it. Avoid the temptation to step in because if you do you'll be back to square one. Good luck

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