To think he is being unfair on his wife?

[quaere]

I was out with some friends the other night and was talking to a friend of a friend, a guy I don't really know. He was telling me how his son who is 22 and just finished uni is really keen to go into the Army, but that the mother isn't keen and is worried it would be dangerous (understandable imo). He then said that he had basically set up the kid on this Army induction thing for next year, but that they weren't going to tell the mum because she would 'just worry'. I would be mega pissed off if I was her. I know the boy is an adult and can do what he wants without telling his mum, but I think the father purposely hiding the secret is a bit mean. aibu?

nyanbu!

I would move heaven and earth to talk my son out of being in the army. I only have one son and I can't spare him. He's not cannon fodder.

God yes... what Valium said!!!

yy I think he's mad to encourage it. I have a lot of respect for soldiers, but it is blurry dangerous and Afghanistan is not over by a long shot

I think DS and the DF should tell the mum - obviously the DS is old enough to make up his own mind (at 22!!) and if that is what he wants to do then they must be adult about the decision and tell her. Equally, whilst this may not be what she chooses for her son, if he has done his research and it is really what he wants to do, then she should respect his choice.

As a mum I would be more concerned about the DS and DF planning all this 'secretly' without having the guts to discuss it with the mother (makes you wonder what sort of soldier he will turn out to be ....)

I expect she will find out when he starts the induction.

I think the son is an adult and can choose his own career, so that's not unreasonable. Neither is it unreasonable for a father to help his son in his chosen career. Not telling the mother is, IMO, one of those man things. The man knows his son is going to do this whatever, and he knows the mother is going to worry so from his point of view he's sparing his wife a few extra months of anxiety (and himself a few months of earache). It's not the most adult attitude but I doubt he's doing it with the intention of being mean.

I think the dad is supporting his son in his chosen career, whether the mum wants him to go is an entirely different matter.
I dont like secrets either but maybe he is protecting his wife until he has to tell her, in the meantime the son may have gone off the whole idea entirely

My eldest DS has just gone through the years induction programme, before being accepted as an officer cadet. He is 19 yo, and will be going to Uni in September for 3 yrs before going for the officer training. He has already been told that he will be posted to Afgan or Iraq.

We sat and had a long, long conversation about what he wanted to do, why, my worries, etc etc.

He knows that my position is that I would really rather he didn't do it, (I would rather stick pins in my eyes than him do this) but I must also understand that he is an adult, and is entitled to make his own decisions, and if my DP and I have done as good a job as we think we have, he is capable of making this decision.

I dont have to like it, but I do have to respect it.

YANBU to expect that the father and son tell the mother, but IMO she is BU to not be supportive if the family have thought through, and discussed, all the implications, even the worst ones.

Perhaps there is a reason they are concealing it?

She should respect and support her adult son. If she was doing this then they wouldn't need to hide things from her.

But she can't discuss it properly because they are hiding it from her. I don't even know this woman, btw