to think I shouldn't have to pay an equal share?

[squishy]

OK, long saga and I might well be being unreasonable - DH can see my point and SILs:

FIL's 70th birthday early next month. Clearly, we've known about this for ages. In late May, we booked our summer holiday for last 2 weeks in August. In July, SIL tells DH that there is a surprise party for FIL the weekend after we get back from holiday; so we need to pay for 3 flights to Ireland etc (and possibly cattery if I can't find anyone to catsit).

THEN she tells us that the offspring's present to FIL is a trip away with all of us. Initially a week in Turkey. We suggested Wales (FIL loves Wales). I found lovely location in Wales, all has been approved by siblings etc and they have had complete say over dates/duration (and I have to book my annual leave around it).

I was basing our share of the cost (as in me, DH and DD) as a fifth of overall cost (there are 3 siblings, MIL and a niece) but they are expecting me (apart from BIL) to pay a sixth.

In itself, that's enough for me - I don't think I should. Apart from the fact that DH and I are both going to have to drive to Liverpool to collect them all from the airport and then over to Anglesey and back again (plus our own journeys) - he's not my Dad.

For example, if I wanted to buy a lovely present for my Dad's 65th which is the same month, and my Step-Mum wanted to join up and get him something big, I'd go halves with her, not turn around to DH and ask him to cough up a third.

Similarly, they all clubbed together and got MIL a Dyson for Christmas a couple of years ago (lucky her!) and they split it 4 ways. When we buy them Christmas presents, we get one from the pair of us and one from DD - not one from each of us.

So that's it in a nutshell.

BUT, the other bits are: cost - in September, after our summer holiday, to fly to Ireland; my Dad's big birthday same month; then October the trip away - plus cost of food, drinks etc (Oh, am also cooking up a couple of big meals for 9 before we go so we don't waste time cooking), diesel etc; then DH's 35th in October - he'd like a party because he's nevr had one; DD's birthday end October and her party. DH doesn't earn, all of my money goes on house bills and trying to pay off credit card debt - SILs neither have to pay for rent (both live in houses funded by FIL), their cars (ditto) - both work but in the absence of bills, their cash is their spare cash.

AND am 6 weeks pregnant (which they don't know and we hadn't intended on telling them until October) and anxious about cost and trying to pay off as much debt as possible - I only get statutory maternity pay and with DD, had to go back to work at 3 months (had more at 90% then, work for different company now), so stressed about saving so I can have a bit more maternity leave.

So....am interested, because DH feels he can't intervene anymore; BIL has texted to say SIL (age 22) is being stubborn and not moving; when I've organised the house (found it, booked it, paid deposit) - I feel the only route left is if I speak to her, but am trying to weigh up if the battle is worth it.

Oh, the amounts - if 5 pay a share, it's £89 eeach, if 6 do then it's £75. Not much difference between the 2, but much more to us (me). DH says on the bright side, at least they think of me as part of the family now!!!!!!

and grateful for opinions!

Sorry I may be getting this wrong - but is the total cost of the weekend
£445
there are 5 bedrooms
4 with the children in and 1 with the father in?
therefore if you are treating the father wouldn't the split be
445/4 = £111.25 Therefore total cost to you £111.25 not per person.

Alternatively why not say
total cost of the weekend is
£505 (including travel costs)
and divide that by the four offspring
£126.25 total cost to you.

If my dad 'punished' me by refusing to help me, but financially supported my siblings, I don't think I'd be inclined to spend any money celebrating his birthday. Think you are being more than generous under these circumstances and think you should get contributions towards petrol if you are going to be doing all this running around after your ILs

Of course it should be per room-can´t believe no one thought of that!!

And def ask for petrol money or deduct it from your share-or suggest that you don´t pay towards FILs room?

Maybe your husband can wait until next year for his party-or do something where everyone brings a dish of some sort instead of presents?

MIL is also paying a share, hence the 5-way split. Poppincandy, am sure I would be seen as tight if I added in the diesel costs etc, but a good idea!

Karmabeliever I feel exactly the same way - IMO this man has been abusive to DH and behaved far worse towards him than any of the others (first born, such a disappointment - don't get me started on him visiting us with our one week old baby and saying that DH is useless at everything and then when hearing is was sterlising bottles "if it was being done the natural way he wouldn't need to" - he wasn't even talking about BF but that I should have been doing the washing up etc! I'd happily never see him again, but unfortunately DH has huge guilt issues and have resigned myself to being supportive.

Have tried pulling out of the surprise party, but was frowned upon - apparently it is required.

And I feel bad because DD would love to see her nutty extended family twice, she hasn't seen them since Christmas (when we spent a week over there) and before that September (when we spent a long weekend over there!)!!!

Agree on the Food, there is a HUGE Tesco Extra in Bangor, get them to cough up and head off there...

LOl, if the party is a requirement, then given all the commitments you have, without a DH wage, etc, tell them you genuinely can't afford it and they will have to cough up...

you are letting them spend your money, money that is already tight and you are PG, you have to be realistic.

So there´s a party & a trip to Wales?

I think it should be one or the other tbh.

Can you do that?

If it must be the party, could ILs have a few days with you at a later time?

Or would that be as expensive as Wales?

I´m afraid I wouldn´t be very impresses with guilt issues if they were causing debt!

I'd just do the party and drop out of the trip to wales. Just cancel and say if they still want to do it, go ahead and you'll look forward to seeing the photos/look forward to them popping in on the way/way back.

You can't afford this, so don't do it.

If you have to, spilt it per room, most cottages are priced depending on number of rooms, so it's fair. if they really don't want to do that, then you can drop out completely and they can get a smaller cottage for a lower cost. And arrange a Tescos/Sainsburys order to arrive just after you do.

How much mileage is involved in all the picking up / dropping off?

No, I have told DH I've had it with throwing money at his family issues because of it; we're considerate, they aren't.

They'd be horrified if I suggested one thing or the other (and so, I suspect, would DH).

I think that ILs coming over for a few days could be almost as expensive, plus they're hard going and sharing with others would be nicer.

However, I really don't want to fall out with this SIL, she's usually the most supportive and helpful to me over there; she's the only one that goes the distance with my DD and that's important. I think I just need to be honest - principle aside - and let her have a picture of the money thing (note she's also going to Oz for 4 months at the end of the year!!)

Have to say that when I go in on presents for friends / family, then we split it per person. It makes it fair for everyone then. I am single and if we don't do it that way, I end up paying more than the couples.

Say there are three people (one couple / one singel) buying a gift for someone that costs £150. We each pay £50 - it's the fairest way. Otherwise, they'd be paying £75 (between two, so £37.50 each) and I'd be paying £75. How is that fair?!

And same when I've gone away with friends - always split it per person. That way, no-one is penalised.

I see your point, but what if that couple only has one income, so it's £75 to both of them? Or what if it was your sister and BIL (hypothetically) and you were buying the present for your Dad? Would you expect to pay a third each? Genuinely curious, because I wouldn't expect my DH to chip in equally for a joint present for mine.

If it's a present for my parents, just from me and my sister, then my sister and I go halves.

If it was a present 'from us all', so her DP, kids and my DD, then I would expect it to be split three ways. And we always do it at restaurants / holidays etc. The amount of times I've been out to dinner and people have tried to split the bill per couple! Sheesh!

I feel really strongly about this and had to 'educate' friends and family in the past. They all see my point and now everything gets split per person.

And I've only got one income so that one doesn't wash with me.

think the paying per room is the fairest

But, this then means MIL doesnt need to pay a share as she is (I assume) sharing FIL's room which you are all paying for as part of his birthday present?

Hence why splitting per person is the fairest way....

Not completely the same, but we were asked if we could contribute £500 to FIL's 70th pressie.

With two weeks' notice.

Er, bit tricky, that one...

Yes, very tricky!!

DH is going to say to SIL that, principles aside, we can't afford it; so either it's just him going for the surprise party or it's all of us going for weekend; can't do both.

The maths involved here is doing my head in. I can see how it seems unfair to them that 3 of you pay the same as 1 of them, but also it's not fair that you 3 are room sharing then and they are not. I would just go with saying you can't afford any more.

Just don't do the driving /ferrying around. Full stop. They will have to sort themselves out - they can't hold a gun to your head and force you to drive them around.

I also think this is way over the top even for a special birthday. Don't get into debt for it while your DH is not earning.

What would they say if you said you couldn't afford to do all the driving and they had to rent a car?

You should pay per room. When we booked rooms in the hotel for my DD1's wedding we paid by room. We paid for 2 rooma as DD2 1 and DD2 shared a room and DH and I had a room. Everyone who stayed the night paid for however many rooms they needed.

I'd send DD and DH off to Wales and have the weekend to myself (family free! - do some baby shopping-browsing at least)
Avoid the cost and stress.