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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a selfish cow not travel to this naming ceremony?

19 replies

inabigpickle · 11/08/2010 15:44

We (DP, 2DCs aged 3 and 4 and I) have been invited to the naming ceremony of the DC of an old friend of mine. We live 2 hours apart.

I love this friend to pieces but since having our DCs we have struggled to get together and lost touch quite a bit. I think both of us understand the reasons for this and there is no resentment. We still count each other as good friends and I hope when the DCs are a bit older we will get closer again.

The physical distance between us, the fact that we both have teeny homes (overnight stays with DCs would be tough) and that our DPs often work weekends (so can?t have the DCs while one of us visits without any DCs) has made it even harder to get together.

Anyway, despite really wanting to see her I am tempted not to attend this ceremony. Partly because it involves a two hour drive with two DCs, a three hour ?do?, and a drive back. Also, I really would love to catch up but there will be so many friends and family there (who we won?t know) and she will be busy doing 'stuff'so we are unlikely to be able to chat much.

I would rather make the effort take the long journey to see her when we can all spend some quality time together (longer than 3 hours) without the ?big do? around us.

I really don?t want to go alone- it?s a long story but that?s not a good option.

I feel terribly guilty about not wanting to go, but the fact remains I would rather not, and am tempted to make my excuses. Should we go anyway or could I get away with this without her feeling like I am a complete cow, especially if I make the effort to organise something else in the near future?

Am I being horrifically selfish?

OP posts:

alicet · 11/08/2010 15:50

We never travel for naming ceremonies and christenings outside families (more like 5 hours for most of our family and friends though) as if we did we would hardly ever have weekends to ourselves. We haven't had anything similar for our dcs so don't feel that we are being hypocritical to expect others to come to ours but not travel for them. I think being invited for anything like this / weddings / birthdays etc etc is an invite only and people shouldn't get pissy with you for declining whatever the reason is to be honest

I don't actually see 2 hours as a big deal though - probably because we travel further for family things. Could easily be done in a day. Understand other reasons why you might prefer not to go though.

For me I would say that if she has been and travelled to you for similar celebrations for your family, and you do want to stay friends inthe long term even if its not working now, you should suck it up and go. Its just 1 day. If however this isn't the case OR you aren't bothered about keeping up with her then decline. Or lie about a prior engagement to save upset if she won't find out.

GeekOfTheWeek · 11/08/2010 15:51

I wouldn't bother tbh.

DitaVonCheese · 11/08/2010 16:02

I don't think you should feel obliged to go if you don't want to at all (but I don't think two hours is very far really either).

DitaVonCheese · 11/08/2010 16:03

Not sure what that "at all" is doing there I think I meant "feel at all obliged" but DD is heckling me.

comtessa · 11/08/2010 16:05

I understand the difficulties of it all, but when you start saying no to things, it gets easier to do. And then there's the possible track of "well X didn't come to my DCs naming ceremony, so do I need to go to her (insert event here)?"

Original poster

inabigpickle · 11/08/2010 16:15

I see your point. She didn't come to DDs christening(I honestly can't remember why)but that's absolutely not why I don't want to go.

I guess two hours isn't that bad- just seems like a long way to drag DCs and DP for a short amount of time with a bunch of people we don't know, and to spend a very short snippet of time with my friend- who will be having a really hectic day.

I am really touched she asked us though- and so feel really bad about not wanting to go.....

OP posts:

maddy68 · 11/08/2010 16:21

the problem is if you keep saying no to things you will stop being asked.
It really depends how much you value your friendship

Original poster

inabigpickle · 11/08/2010 16:45

I don't think I 'keep' on saying no though- its the first thing she's asked me to in a few years and I have never said no before.

I do value our friendship and thats why I feel bad about preferring not to go.

Thanks for your advice so far.

OP posts:

notasize10yetbutoneday · 11/08/2010 16:47

YANBU IF you then make firm plans with her to meet up in the near future.

atswimtwolengths · 11/08/2010 18:01

Why don't you say all this to her? Say that you'd love to see her and her family, but you'd rather come at a time when she's free to be with you. Ask whether you can all visit for the day sometime and perhaps all go for a pub lunch so that she's not having to sort out lunch for everyone. Or if there's a zoo or something similar equidistant to you both, then why not suggest you meet up there?

Bathsheba · 11/08/2010 18:18

I think its about keeping up the relationship...

Its an important event to her, its important for you to be there as its important for her...

LucyLouLou · 11/08/2010 18:57

Well ultimately you have the choice to go or not, it's not like it's life or death, but I'm not sure your reasons would be good enough for me to stay away. You say you value the friendship, so if you are at all able to attend an occasion that means such a lot to your friend, you probably should go. Entirely up to you what you actually do, but be prepared for your friend to be really quite hurt over this if you choose not to attend. I'd give a good reason for it though, you may have to tell a white lie because if you tell her what you've told us, I can see it stinging her.

LucyLouLou · 11/08/2010 18:58

Also, she might see it as payback for not going to your DCs Christening, which may actually damage the friendship, tit for tat and all that.

KristinaM · 11/08/2010 19:04

If you really dont want to go, why not.......

send apologies, say its your aunts 60th birthday or something and you are helping with the catering etc

send a gift and card for the child

arrange to meet up for the day soon somewhere half way between you, so you only have an hours drive. surely you could manage this one weekend even if your Dp is away?

DONT just say " oh sorry we cant come , lets meet up soon " unless you mean it

personally i woudl go if i valued her friendship.

werewolf · 11/08/2010 19:05

Well, she had a valid reason for not attending your dd's christening (at least valid to her), so I don't see why your reasons for not wanting to go aren't just as valid, iyswim?

Not making it into a tit for tat situation, just recognising that sometimes attending an event with a 2 hour drive either way with a young family, is a bit much to do.

I'd politely decline and send a lovely card and gift.

Hulababy · 11/08/2010 20:17

Could you not make a weekend of it? Book a hotel, go to the ceremony, stay over an the spnd more time with them the day after - and travel home later that day.

IsabellaSwan · 12/08/2010 08:25

Have to admit that if I were in in your friend's shoes I would feel a bit slighted if you didn't go. It's a special occasion for her and her family, she has extended an invitation to you and you are effectively saying it's too much hassle to bother attending. I have had similar re big events that I have hosted and TBH it did make me re-evaluate friendships.

In terms of not being able to spend lots of time with her on the day, that is just how it goes at these things - would you miss a wedding because you couldn't spend all day with the bride, or would you accept that she has to be a good hostess and get round everyone? Because it's no different at a naming ceremony. Hulababy's idea of making a weekend of it sounds good though.

Gibbon · 12/08/2010 08:40

YABU.

Original poster

inabigpickle · 12/08/2010 12:28

Thank you for the replies so far. Yes I think I know I should go. DP and DCs will have to come too (under sufferance I think ).

Maybe I am getting a bit selfish but I think despit my reluctance I need to make the effort to go.

MAking a weekend of it is a great idea but funds will be a bit tight as its the week after we get back from our holiday- I will see what I can find on a shoestring.

OP posts:

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