Name changed regular for the sake of privacy.
My husbands best friend has been married 14 years with 2 school age DC's. I love his wife, we are good friends and we have always had a really lovely time when with them. I see her as one of the most strong independant, clever women I know and generally I think she is great. As friends the 4 of us have been pretty close for years but they have moved away about 3 yrs ago and we dont see each other as much as we used to-about two or three times a year. Outside observers would describe them as one of the happiest and loveiest couples, who really had the recipe to go the whole hog and grow old together.
The man, lets call him James, is going through a really rough time. He has been suffering from depression for some time, only just realised what was wrong and got diagnosed about 4 months ago-he was living a high life, taking the odd bit of coke and being generally irresponsible. Spending money on things like watches, gadgets and champagne boozy nights. I need to stress that this is totally not him even though he could totally afford that kind of lifestyle to some extent, he did take it too far.
Trouble is she chucked him out 2 months ago, he has been up to see us 3 or 4 times and he is now taking antidepressants, and having counselling and is totally and utterly remorseful and humbled by his daft behaviour. He wants to get his life back on track and needs her support. He recognises that the behaviour of the last 18 months was an act of self medication, looking for the next kick each time.
She is now saying she wants a divorce, she refuses to go to anymore counselling, she went once. He has only been out of the house 2 months, he is doing everything right to get himself back on track, but she is simply refusing to give him any other chances. She doesn't recognise depression as an excuse for his behaviour, she thinks he should "just pull himself together" I have suffered from depression myself and know how utterly unhelpful this attitude is. He has never abused her, physically hurt her or been unfaithful, he was just an idiot for a while living a footballer style life because he couldn't cope with the pressures of his high earning sales job and has run up some debt which he has sorted out, consolodated and is paying back. He has left his previous job and taken something with lower pay but less of the highflyer atmosphere which is healthier for him.
Now I know I am not her, and I know she has lived with him being like this, but I really ask her to give it another try. It seems like she is happy to throw away 14 years of marriage based on a period of illness-I mean whatever happened to "in sickness and in health" ffs. It's so unfair on James, he isn't a bad bloke at all, just a poorly one. I really thnk she should give it longer before she makes the final decision but she is pushing really hard to get it done. I know she must be hurting and questioning her marriage but I really do think it's too soon.