To want to connect with people

[4evermum]

Hi, don't know if anyone else has gone through or is going through something similiar. I cannot connect with people. I am married with two children. My husband and children love me and me them. I would be close to my father as well. Thats where my relationships end. I know I am very lucky to have that and it should be all I need but I get obsessed every now and then trying to figure out what it is I'm doing wrong and feel like I must be a horrible person even though I don't know what it is I'm doing wrong.

My mother only likes me if I'm licking up to her and couldn't be bothered with me after that. I have a civil relationship with my brothers which is fine. My husbands family all dislike me, he doesn't have a close relationship with them but they still don't like me even though they don't see me very often.

I used to have plenty of friends when I was younger but since marrying and moving from my hometown I just haven't been able to establish a friendship, not a single one. Plenty of acquintances but nobody seems to take to me. I can see why sometimes I am so desperate to make a good impression I go overboard with the talking and it must be a put off, I would even know when I'm doing it but can't seem to stop. I have also picked up the odd little insinuation that people think I'm full of myself but that's so untrue, if they really knew me they'd know I'm completely the opposite.

I feel its important to say I did loose friends due to alcohol over the years, I was a messy drinker but have stopped drinking nearly 4 years now and have to say although the friend situation hasn't changed my life is the better for it on every other level! Also I seem to get on better with men, I find it easier to talk to them, I don't know if that came from being in a all boys houshold and now living in a all boys houshold! My mother always says I have a male mind (that is meant as an insult by the way!!) I was never into girly things, gossiping etc (still not really).

I wish to explaing myself better and in a shorter way!! In my head I feel I am a good person and don't interfere with people but everyone else seems to see something else.

I know I should say to hell with it and just enjoy my family but every now and again it gets to me, this being one of those times!!

Thanks for listening.

I can't really offer much advice but I am in a very very simillar position to you so you're not alone!moved away and old friends spread out across the country and I was a bit of a wild child too! I don't know really, I know I'm a good friend but think I might make a bad first impressions too!

Sounds like a bit of a vicious circle to me. By your own admission you're obsessing about this, and as a result your desperation is probably both apparent to others and making you say or do daft things (I suggest the latter as I'm an under-confident type and often end up with my foot in my mouth in social situations!)

Do you work? If not, I'm wondering if that would be a good place to start rebuilding your self esteem. Over the years I have made a few really good friends in colleagues.

Do you know much of your children's friends parents? Again, I'm finding that my social circle has multiplied since having my DD 5 months ago. My local Sure Start centre has been a good place to get to know other mums. I also (quite boldly, I thought!) asked an acquaintance at an antenatal group if she was on Facebook. That started the ball rolling, and now several of us from the same groups meet regularly.

I think you've got to be a little bit proactive in making friends, but there's a balancing act between being friendly and socialble, and needy.

Good luck, I'll be interested in reading some of the replies for my own benefit too!

Well done and Brownie points for giving up drinking.
I wonder if you used alcohol to help you to relax in social situations?

A lot of people talk too much/too fast to cover up insecurities; you are far from alone in that.
Could you maybe meet people at events where everyone is busy eg. school fair stalls, art group, sports session, gardening group etc. It is easier to chat naturally when you are doing something else as well. Ask people about themselves, their children/holiday/hairdresser or anything so that they do some talking IYSWIM. People love to talk, it is probably more popular than having to listen.

Thanks for the replies, I agree my need to impress backfires royally!! Sometimes I even astonish myself! I do work and am totally confident when it comes to clients etc. Its a small office just myself and my boss so no scope there. I have tried the toddler groups etc but just can't seem to make a deep connection, as I say plenty acquaintances and people are polite to me but I always get the impression they can't wait to get away from me.

Have to find ways to improve my first impression!

Sounds like you are very like a couple of my (best) friends. Both of them drove me up the wall to begin with, I made every effort to avoid them but they wouldn't leave me alone until I finally realised they were, at their heart, the kindest and lovliest of people. But boy are they full on!! They can't stand each other, and I find myself apologising to other friends before they meet them (though they have won many of them round now too).

Possibly I am completely misreading your post, but I would love to say to them (can't - don't get a word in edgeways ) to bring it down a notch - especially on first meetings. Do you give everyone else a chance to talk? - a pause in the conversation may be while they put something together in their head, doesn't necessarily need filling with more of your opinions!

Sorry, now I am being quite rude without knowing you - could be entirely different issues.

And the "male mind" aspect sometimes means you offer endless advice rather than just empathy.

I am the opposite, struggle to think of anything to say to new people, but I do very well by just nodding and smiling as others talk! But I am very much in favour of not being gossipy, not all woman are like that.

I also talk too much when i meet people cant help myself tbh . DD is starting school is September & i am dreading the school run as i dont make friends easily & i know i will feel very uncomfortable .

Could you hand round a box of home-made brownies to mums at toddler group?

Or offer to help prepare or wash up snack?
I used to do that when I moved (quite a few times) and didn't know anyone.

Or invite a new person in for a coffee and chat?

YANBU. I want to make more friends but feel almost physically incapable of talking to new people sometimes. I'm fine at work but in social situations I suspect I come across as stuck-up and aloof when really I am appallingly shy! I don't talk too much, I talk too little! I find it almost impossible to make small talk. I have good friends but none local. It's so hard.

Rattling, I'm laughing at your reply!! I do panic a bit when there's a lull in the conversation and am a bit of an advice giver!! God, I sound so annoying!! :)

Well from today I'll start fresh! Anymore tips are welcome.

Thanks again!

So sorry you are feeling like this. I too have similar problems. I can chat to people at my local play group and sure start centres but making a "connection" just seems to elude me and I have yet to manage to take any conversation to the next level. However I consider myself a work in progess and have taken to watching mums who are good at the whole networking thing to see what I can learn from them. One mum who is new to the area came along to the local play group and said that she was having a girl's night in with the usual wine and naughty games and issued an open invitation, so quite a few of the mums were off to that. So perhaps putting yourself out there and issuing a group invitation might be the answer and take the pressure off a 1 on 1 meeting and enable you to play the hostess?