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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Holiday with my DM?

22 replies

morejuiceplease · 09/08/2010 17:40

I don't think I am being unreasonable, but would appreciate everyone's advice.

I've just booked a holiday for me, DH and our 2 dds.

My DM, who looks after the dds 1-2 days a week while I'm working wants to come with us.
I'm really not keen on the idea, because due tto my and my dhs working patterns, we rarely see each other, and feel that this holiday is a great opportunity for us to reconnect, and spend some time together as a family.

My dm, however, says that as she looks after the dds for free, should be able to come, so that she can enjoy spending more time with them. She thinks that she does all the hard bits with the dds, which I disagree with; she gets to play with them, take them to the park etc, all the fun bits without the normal daily grind.

I should add, so I'm not accused of AIBU by stealth, she came on holiday with us last year, and while it was nice having her there, and she babysat once so me and dh could go out in the evening, we felt obligated to meet up with her each day, and I think dh kinda struggled having his MIL there all the time.

I really appreciate all the help my mum gives us, and tell her that all the time, I wouldn't be able to work without her help, but I just think that a holiday with just the 4 of us would be lovely.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

morejuiceplease · 09/08/2010 17:40

Should add, she would be paying for herself if she were to come.

OP posts:

MrsBadger · 09/08/2010 17:44

yanbu

leave her at home

but be nice about it

BelligerentGhoul · 09/08/2010 17:45

YANBU. You've already booked the holiday. Tell her it would be inconvenient this time but that perhaps you can look into a weekend away with her at some point as a compromise.

minipie · 09/08/2010 17:46

YANBU.

Yes, it's incredibly generous of her to look after the DDs but no, that doesn't give her the right to come on your family holidays.

I suspect your holiday last year has probably led to her expecting to be invited again this time unfortunately. I think you have to explain that you really appreciated her help last year, and all the weekly help she gives, but you'd really like to have a holiday just the 4 of you this year.

I'm guessing she's quite lonely? Are there other holiday options that might work for her - does she have friends who she might want to go with?

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 09/08/2010 17:47

YANBU

We go away with my parents but it suits all of us. We don't go away with my PIL because it doesn't suit me or DH - would be horrible!

If your DH doesn't want her there then it won't be much of a holiday for him.

But she sounds kind (if a bit bonkers!) so be nice about it!

LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 17:48

YANBU, I totally understand where you're coming from. You've done a holiday with her before, and you've learned the small pitfalls of it, mainly that it's not a holiday if you feel under pressure, which is essentially what was going on with your family last time. It doesn't come off as ungrateful for her help either, clearly you do appreciate her. My guess is that she is playing that card to try to get you to say yes.

That said, do you think there would be fallout from your mum if you put your foot down and say no to her request? Like would she stop caring for your DDs?

I get the impression that maybe she's lonely but doesn't want to say that?

mistletoekisses · 09/08/2010 17:51

Can there not be a halfway house? Can you take her, but agree with her that you dont have to meet up with her every day? Are there any activities that she can do on days she doesnt see you?

I don't think YABU, but I can also see her side of it TBH.

I think when grandparents are involved with their DC's on an almost daily basis, it is lovely when they also come on holiday. I plan to take my mum along on all forseeable future hols. Purely so I dont have to answer DS1's constant question - 'where is my nanny...why isn't she here?'

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 09/08/2010 17:54

Could you say 'look, we're really looking forward to a family holiday just the four of us. How would it be if you came for half/third/whatever is acceptable to me and DH instead of all of it?'

atswimtwolengths · 09/08/2010 17:59

It makes me so mad when people invite themselves like this! It's so obvious that if you'd wanted her to come, you would have asked her.

Does she have anyone else she can go away with?

CouldOfWouldOfShouldOf · 09/08/2010 18:04

YANBU, but I think that's a tough one.
I'm guessing she looks after the DC for free, and now she's calling in the favour if you like.
Nothing's ever free.

What sort of accommodation are you staying in?

Would it be possible to take her this time, but make it clear that she won't be involved every day?

diddl · 09/08/2010 18:11

Does she only see the children when she looks after them?

If so, I can see why she wants to see them with you there so that she doesn´t have the responsibility for them.

That said, coming on holiday is not the answer imo.

And if she doesn´t want to look after the children for free she should say so.

I can sort of see why she thinks she deserves it, though.

How does she only get the easy bits though?

Is it just a couple of hours after school or something?

Honeywitch · 09/08/2010 18:21

My mum invited me on holiday a couple of years ago when my dad ot stuck working abroad. When we got there (it was in Turkey) she confessed thjat it was a double bed!!! lol. It was too late to decline.... we had a great time in the end though.

Tell your mum that actually you were both thinking of this as a second honeymoon? And perhaps you could all do a weekend away sometime later?

domeafavour · 09/08/2010 18:34

would it be possible for her to come for a couple of days?
I love going on hols with my mum. would rather her than dh!!!

GeekOfTheWeek · 09/08/2010 19:29

I think it would be unfair to your dh.

Also pretty rude of your mum imo.

YANBU

Original poster

morejuiceplease · 09/08/2010 22:58

Honey witch - last time we went, it was a kind of honeymoon, as we'd only had a couple days in the UK after we got married; she said I was being ridiculous.

She looks after dds (aged 4 and 2) two days a week, they're both preschool age and I know she finds them quite hard work.

She doesn't really see them that much when I'm not working due to the distance (I work near her house so me and dds stay overnight one night a week), but also because she is also a carer for my elderly grandfather so can't leave him for long periods of time.

Actually, she had them by herself the other weekend as I had a child-free wedding to go to, and she really struggled after the 2nd night. They are both very full on and exhausting!

Although when I was on mat leave, she drove up every week to see me the grandchildren.

She's quite happy going on holiday by herdelf, and does a few times a year.

What's really annoyed me is that she mentioned the holiday earlier today, and dd1 piped up with 'yes mummy, cos grandma does all the work'

I asked her not to say things like that in front of the children, and she replied that she'd say what she liked.

I really don't want to upset her, I don't think she'd refuse to look after the dds as she adores them, and I love that they have such a good relationship with her, I just wish she'd understand that me, dh and dds are a family unit and need time together without anyone else, especially after the crappy year we've had so far.

OP posts:

Iloveclimbinghills · 10/08/2010 06:49

Can you imagine a holiday with the Daily Mail, all you would talk about is property prices and immigrants.

diddl · 10/08/2010 08:14

So generally she does only see them when looking after them?

So perhaps if she could see them more often without looking after them, that would help?

Perhaps she feeling a bit used/unappreciated.

Maybe a day out/weekend away instead?

needafootmassage · 10/08/2010 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 10/08/2010 10:30

I think it may be starting to become a problem having your mum provide childcare. The poster who said that nothing is ever free had a very good point. Your mum feels 'owed' and is sounding like she feels entitled to say what she wants in front of your DC, regardless of how you feel about it and to invite herself on your holiday, even though you are not happy about it.
Essentially, because she is providing childcare, she believes this gives her rights to over rule you.

It is important for you and your DH to have time together, so I think you will just have to say that to your mum. By all means offer to go somewhere with her at another time, but I would look into making alternate arrangements so your mum doesn't feel put upon and you don't feel guilted into doing something you don't want to do

ginnybag · 10/08/2010 10:38

I agree, it's sounding suspiciously like it's time to sort out other childcare.

Say no to your mum this time, offer a weekend away or something later in the year and start looking at ways to reduce the amount of care she does because, aside from anything else, I'm not convinced it's fair to ask for that much childcare for two toddlers when she's already a carer for someone else. When does she get time for herself?

gorionine · 10/08/2010 10:44

YANreallyBU but could you find a compromise?

In May we went on holiday and for the frst few days 3 of DH's siblings and their families joined us (we all had our own appartment though). This would allow for your mum to have a few days with all of you and then you and your family to spend time together?

violethill · 10/08/2010 10:52

I agree that she's feeling used, and wants a bit of time to enjoy being with her dd and grandchildren without it being a 'work' arrangement. TBH looking after a 2 and 4 yr old two days a week, and having your adult dd staying overnight on one day, just to make her work life easier is a MASSIVE favour. Going on an annual holiday is pretty small payback in comparison.

YANBU for wanting time with just your DH and kids. But YABU for expecting it when you're quite happy to use your mother when it suits you, and then expect her to leave you alone when it doesn't.

I think you're wanting to have your cake and eat it. Either find childcare near your work, and book into a travelodge once a week (both of these will cost you!!) and then take your family holiday with a clear conscience; or accept that your mother is doing you a massive favour on a weekly basis and put up with her on holiday. I'm assuming your children love her and enjoy her company as you use her for childcare, so presumably they're quite happy to have her along.

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