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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or over sensitive?

18 replies

thegirlwiththemouseyhair · 09/08/2010 13:43

Dp and I having a bit of a rough ride at the moment - life not turning out as we might have hoped. I say 'that's life' and we need to find a way to make it work for us if we want to stay together (we do) which will inevitably involve some compromises for us both and change, such as moving home.

Close friends, who came into my life through dp, are taking this all very seriously and dp announced he was meeting up with them one evening this week as they were concerned about him.

My immediate reaction was (having been through a divorce) was that sides were being taken, I was being excluded and he was already beginning a single life. So that was a bit of an over reaction... possibly .

Isn't it between the two of us to work out a way to make it work?
I just feel they are jumping the gun a bit.
I see/talk with who I need support from in my time - not on ours - if that makes sense?

OP posts:

clemetteattlee · 09/08/2010 13:47

I am sorry you are having a tough time but I think you are being over sensitive. He is turning to his friends for support and a chance to talk things through - that can only be a good thing surely? I am not really sure what you mean by saying he needs to get support in his own time - aren't evenings his own time?

Original poster

thegirlwiththemouseyhair · 09/08/2010 13:51

Well - I see evenings as 'our' time. He travels a lot and has work functions in the evenings quite often. So I feel if he's not doing either of those things that is then time we have together.
Yes I know that bit is unreasonable of me....

OP posts:

clemetteattlee · 09/08/2010 13:54

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but I would question when does he have "his" time then if he is working or expected to be with you? Maybe he needs some time to be able to explore his own interests? Would this help your relationship do you think?

thumbwitch · 09/08/2010 13:56

If you are having trouble working it out between the 2 of you (which it appears you are from your OP) then it is reasonable of your DP to get some other perspectives and opinions on the situation. Do you have other friends who you can invite round for the same purpose? If so, do it. Perspective is always good - and if your DP is uncomfortable about you doing exactly what he is doing, it might give him an insight into why you are reacting the way you are.

Once he has got these other perspectives, you must sit together and have a chat; but he has to realise that his friends are going to have a very skewed opinion (unless they are all trained counsellors) and will be giving biased advice, so he shouldn't take it verbatim.

LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 14:03

I think YADBU but I sort of see your point. Your DP does need support from his friends, maybe he can only do that in the evenings (owing the friends spare time, etc). Tbh, I think if you chuck a tantrum about this, you'll push him further away, he does have a right to his friends after all. If you try to tie him to you, you won't get a good result.

Maybe tell your DP how you want to spend time with him in the evenings, but how you understand how nice it is for him to spend time with his friends as well (you really don't want to send him out to see them with a reason to moan about you after all, they may take it and run with it). Try to spend time with yours when he is out.

I get why this bothers you, and why you are upset about it, but you really don't have a right to try to restrict him seeing his friends, and given what you are trying to achieve at the moment, you'll be more destructive than constructive if you make a big deal out of this.

ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 14:09

It sounds as though they are a couple - is that right?

It sounds like battle lines are being drawn. If they wanted to help your marriage and not just your DP they would want to talk to both of you or one to you and one to him...

I can see why you are upset if this is the case.

If he was just meeting up with his best mate for a chat I would say YABU.

clemetteattlee · 09/08/2010 14:18

I completely disagree with ChippingIn - they were his friends before the relationship started and they have invited him over. It does sound a little as if the man in question doesn't get much time to see his friends.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 09/08/2010 14:29

I think this really depends - what do you mean by life not turning out the way you'd hoped? Because it does make a difference, what the issue is that's making him want to talk it through with friends.

honie · 09/08/2010 14:32

I would feel exactly how you do tbh.

upahill · 09/08/2010 14:34

I would want to know wtf friends are taking my buisness so seriously and whipping my DP was meeting up with them. If it was one of them going out for a drink fair enough but for two of them being concerend and having him round sounds bloody strange.

You are not being unreasonable. I would keep my problems between me and DP and not do my dirty washing in public tbh.

RumourOfAHurricane · 09/08/2010 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Gibbon · 09/08/2010 14:44

You see the evening as your time? So when is his friends time? Genuine question btw.

Good friends are rare and unless they are dictating to him what he should do, I would say YABU.

Hope things get back on track for you both soon

Original poster

thegirlwiththemouseyhair · 09/08/2010 14:58

They are a couple we see fairly regularly - even just spent a few days away with them.
That's why it feels so excluding.
And yes of course he needs time to catch up with friends and so often.
This feels different.

OP posts:

Mahraih · 09/08/2010 15:05

Hmm ...

I guess it depends. Did his friends call up and tell him that he was having issues and they were worried? Or did he ask for their advice and then they arranged a meet-up?

I know my DP talks to his friends about our relationship. I do the same with mine.

It's not nice to know people are talking about you behind your back, but people need support (i.e. not being told what to do,that's a different thing!)

It must be difficult, though, having been friends with these people and now seeing that they are on DP's 'side'. Maybe send them a placating email?

minipie · 09/08/2010 15:23

Two separate questions here:

should DP be allowed to see his friends in the evenings? Yes, obviously, within reason. OP is BU if she thinks all his spare time should be allocated to her.

should he be meeting up with mutual friends to discuss his relationship problems with the OP, without the OP being invited? No, I don't think so. This seems divisive and hurtful to me. I'd suggest he should keep such discussions to a small circle of his own - not mutual - friends and family.

I also think it's a bit odd that DP specifically told the OP that he was meeting these friends "as they were concerned about him". Why not just say he's going to meet some friends for the evening? Strikes me as if he may have been trying to imply that "see, they're worried about me, therefore I must be in the right and you must be the baddie here". But I could be over interpreting.

fedupofnamechanging · 09/08/2010 15:26

I don't think instincts should be ignored and yours are telling you that this situation is different from your DP meeting a mate for a drink and having a bit of a chat.
I think they sound overly concerned with your business and think you will resolve your differences better by talking to each other. I don't think you need a 3rd party interfearing who will be only getting your partners POV and therefore giving him skewed advice, which he will then be dumping on you on the grounds that x and y think it is correct.
I would feel as you do and suggest that you tell your partner that the idea of airing your dirty linen in public makes you uncomfortable and you would prefer that the two of you get professional counselling if necessary.
Some things are private, between couples. Ask him how he will feel further down the line, seeing this couple socially and knowing they are privy to all your most private problems

ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 17:41

clemetteattlee - we might have to agree to disagree. They have specifically invited him around and excluded the OP. If they were good friends they would be friends 'of the marriage' and try to help the couple work it out - not cause more problems by 'taking sides'.

I also agree with Karma.

thegirlwiththemouseyhair - what have you said to your DP about it? Did he say why they are concerned about him and not you both as a couple?

clemetteattlee · 09/08/2010 18:05

I am genuinely puzzled by the view that if you are having problems in your marriage then you don't talk to your friends about it. Both DH and I have turned to our friends in times of upset (both couples, individually and even us both talking to my sister individually.) Hence I think that going elsewhere for a chat and time-out of a tricky situation can only be positive.
However, I can see that if one person in a relationship doesn't feel happy with this then it could create problems.
Do you trust him and do you trust your friends? I think you have to accept that he should be able to have the opportunity to talk things through with a third party- maybe you could suggest Relate (they talk to individuals as well as couples)

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