To tell my mum she is not helping

[xstitch]

My dd has been taking temper tantrums I try and ignore them and discipline her where appropriate. My mum keeps telling me in front of dd that I am being too hard on her etc. This leads to more tantrums from dd. Today my mum told me it was my fault dd was misbehaving because I was neglecting her. This was because after my dd had woken me up and I had fed her breakfast I went into the bathroom to get washed and dressed. I was about 8minutes and left dd playing family trainer on the wii while my mum had a cuppa and watched her.

I am clinically obese and trying to fix this with following weightwatchers. My mum keeps shovelling stuff onto my plate and waving delicious looking treats in my face saying go on its lovely.

I am so annoyed today I fell like I am going to explode and scream at her.

oops that was a bit long, very annoyed so ranting.

YANBU but I think you need to go further than telling her it isn't helping. She sounds very like my (toxic) grandma who would revel and delight in getting people to fall in with her against their better judgment.

I think you actually need to treat her like a toddler - that behaviour isn't acceptable and you're probably better off not seeing much of her if she can't behave herself.

How old is your DD?

not being unreasonable at all. she sounds like a bloody nightmare.

could you just tell her- in a reasonable way?

YANBU

Try to do it in a controlled way though. Say you need her to support you re the diet. (She may have some problem with the idea of you losing weight that she hasn't really thought through, or else she maybe sees offering food as offering love or something. Anyway it needs to stop whatever it is.)

Holw old is DD?

Can I ask whether your mum is overweight? It sounds as though she's trying to sabotage your diet.

How can she say that you were neglecting your DD when she was in the same room as her?

Do you have a partner? It sounds as though your mum feels too free to say what she wants, and as though she speaks without thinking, too.

How old is your daughter? I'm assuming she's very young. It must be really difficult for you having your mum stuck in critical mode.

She's 5. Had to move in with my mum when became homeless. :(

YANBU. And I thought you were quite concise!

Is there anything stopping you from telling her?

It is not helping you to lose weight if she keeps trying to make you break your diet. I don't know the best way to deal with tantrums, but not giving them too much attention seems like a reasonable approach. You don't say how old your DD is ,but it is not neglectful to leave her with your mum while you go to the bathroom.

Ah, x-post (must type faster). You live with her - so you don't want to create an atmosphere. I'd still tell her, but I'd be more diplomatic :). Tell her you want to lose weight, and ask for her support. Explain that her undermining your parenting is confusing for DD.

no YANBU, but then i dont think its about sabotage either i cook big meals and offer sweet things, DP family hate it but to me & mine its a sign of affection, AND i have been known to tempt a dieting person to have a treat (only special occasions though not everyday!).

Well done with WW.I was clinically obese and started WW in Feb and have lost 2 stones now.It is so hard and YANBU at all.It is not helpful to be offered treats by so-called well-meaning people.

My mum has just threatened me with social work :( I just want to cry. dd won't stay in bed, I told her she had to stay in her room. She is now in a temper and screaming hysterically because I told her off. My mum wants to sit with her and I said no as it would make my life more difficult as she would expect it every night. She says the neighbours will call ss and the police will be at the door tonight. I just want to cry.

Have you put your name down at council offices for a council house, Xstitch?

Or could you apply to a housing association?

I am so tempted Nemo but a bit scared to. My xh trying to get dd taken away and if I admit to housing problems then it will give him another excuse. Feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

How on earth can your Mum accuse you of neglecting your child when you left her supervised by her Gran while you took a shower?

Could you possibly sit your Mum down and say that you really appreciate her helping you out at and letting you and DD stay but that it undermines everything that you do and say with your daughter when you question your decisions infront of DD. And also that you're sure she doesn't realise but you are really trying to stick to your diet and would prefer not to be tempted?

Is your relationship with your mother difficult in other ways as well? Is she basically treating you as another child?

aaaw sweetie.

Have you tried another tack with your Mum? Maybe asking her what she did with you as child when you behaved this way? That whilst you are living in her house you feel it is important to try and instil appropriate values into your daughter, the same as she did for you?

It is not neglect to go and have a shower.

It's hard when you are trying to parent and your parent reverts to parenting you. Both mu Mum and MIL loathe it when I tell of ds, but at the end of the day I am his mother and have his best interests at heart.

Your daughter needs you and tantrums are a part of growing up, don't forget although it bothers you & your Mum when you have to be "mean" she will revert back to herself at the next distraction .

I've never applied, so sure I wouldn't get anything. Don't get any benefit apart from child benefit. Started an application but got a call saying not to bother with the hassle of applying as I wouldn't get anything. Money has become very tight as a result.

She definitely treats me like a child. Just had a talk with her. She says I will lose weight eating the way I am. Kind of missing the point a bit.

OK then maybe you could try changing the way you react to her. I know it's very easy to revert to old patterns of child-parent and we all do it, even as adults ourselves.

Maybe you need to show her you are an adult now, and not another child whose place appears to be in the wrong most of the time.
When she bullies you about food speak to her as if you would to someone who isn't your mother and just politely turn it down, without a fuss. (You'll have to do a bit of acting to start with as it does bother you, I know.)

And similarly with regard to DD, when she starts trying to control the proceedings just calmly say "I'll deal with this, thanks." I think maybe you need to take the heat out of the proceedings if you can, and try not to react to her as if you were a teenager. I'm not saying that you do, just that in her eyes that's probably how she sees you, and she needs more of a prod to see you are a different person now.

The rules of angagement between you need to change. And tell her you are not going to react to her threats about social services etc if she doesn't get her own way, because that would benefit nobody, least of all DD.

I think you need to do a few things:

Firstly get some help with regards to housing, benefits etc - there is help out there, you just need to find it.

DD - she's 5, well old enough to understand there are rules and if she breaks them there are consequences. Make sure she understands that a tantrum will never get her what she wants and it will have consequences (no tv, no treats, loss of favourite toy etc). Foot.down.firmly!! Tell her that bedtime is exactly that, tell her for all the time she plays up at bedtime she will go to bed earlier the next night (worked at 4 for my godson!) each time she gets up, lead her silently and without eye contact back to bed. It's hard a first but works over a few nights.

Mum - biggest challenge. Tell her that threatening SS is going to destroy your relationship and will not help, they will not take a child off of someone for anything you have mentioned! Certainly not for disturbing the neighbours! Tell her that DD is your daughter and she is not to contradict you in front of her, if she must say something then do it when DD is not in the room. Food - it sounds like she is worried about her own weight and your possible success is something she can't deal with - you have options - get her to join you, ignore ignore ignore - tell her to feck off!!