to think that quitting smoking doesn't justify abusive behaviour?

[fuzzypicklehead]

DH (40's)has been a smoker since his teens. He tries to give up a couple of times a year, and sometimes lasts a couple of months before starting again. But each time, his behaviour when he's giving up seems to become increasingly negative.

For example, this morning I came out of the bath to find both DDs (2.6 and 9mo) crying while he hoovered right next to them. I asked if he really had to do that right now, as it was meant to be a day to spend time with the kids. He told me to "stop fucking nagging him as the house was a fucking shithole because I didn't tidy it" (I started back to work a couple of weeks ago and worked a massive project this week, so 50+ hours and looking after the kids morning and evening) He wanted to go out and I told him to go and take himself out of the situation and I would clean he shouted "Don't tell me what I fucking can and can't fucking do, etc." while bellowing in my face. Nothing I said could get through to him and he couldn't seem to grasp that his behaviour was at all inappropriate. Somehow it was all my fault. The awful thing is that my daughters were there and my eldest started shouting with him "go 'way mummy, shut up!" and ran up and hit me. That was my fault too, apparently.

Half an hour later he came to ask if I was going out to the park with them and when I said I wouldn't be going anywhere with him he just said I should get over myself and stop sulking.

Afterwards he can never remember what he's said and just claims he was blowing off steam, but it really hurts. He gave up when I was pregnant with DD2 and while I was in labour at home he was shouting at me that I was a horrible nagging bitch and nobody likes me and that's why I have no friends.

I just don't know what to do. How many times can I tell myself "oh, it's just the cigarettes" and hang in there until he starts smoking again? Or do I leave and chuck away a marriage because of something that may be temporary? (I did used to smoke and I was a cow when I gave up, but I stayed quit. I didn't do it 3X a year for 10 years.

No. It doesn't justify it. Nothing could possibly justify that sort of behaviour.

However, I know from experience what a foul monster stopping smoking turns you into. When I need a cigarette I am a horrible person . I feel such rage.

It's no excuse for treating someone badly, however, and I'm not trying to make it one.

I don't think you should accept it. I think you should tell him how you feel - write down what he says to you if you have to! (record it if you can!) and tell him that you are not prepared to accept it.

He will treat you how you allow him to treat you, so with the best will in the world - it's on you. But whatever you say, you have to mean. So there's no point telling him to change or get out if you don't mean it.

Oh, and do not allow him to get away with his foul behaviour. Can't remember it indeed. That's a crock of shit.

OK giving up smoking can cause people to be a bit crabby or even downright bloody awful ,however its a reason not a fucking excuse ,he owes you a massive apology right now . Is he a lovely sweet natured man the rest of the time or is it only when he gives up ? If he is lovely except when giving up ,then i think he needs to look at hypnotherpay or a allen carr session as opposed to going it alone . If he is a git normally and this is exacerbated by giving up ,then honestly id be looking to give him up

I've never smoked and neither has my Dh so I can't comment directly, but it sounds like he needs HELP giving up - I'm sure that would probably help him "stay giving up" in the long term.

The NHS run group support as well as helpline support, he should call them.

He needs support from you whilst he is giving up. However, his need is for support, it is not to be excused of such horrible horrible behavior

What is he like in 'normal' life? Is this behaviour totally out of the ordinary, or it an extension of what he is like usually? He's being a shit to you, but I'm just trying to understand where it's all coming from.

You're totally in the right whichever it is btw, but your DH probably needs different help depending on the root of the problem. Gonna be easier to solve if it is just smoking....

One word:

Champix.

He can ask the doctor for it and it makes quitting smoking so much easier.

I'm afraid the foul temper is probably just the tip of the iceberg. The resentment this type of yo-yo smoker feels that they are 'giving it up for you ... or for the children ' (nothing to do with it being their decision or for their health) I predict will simmer on under the surface and become the focal point of every argument you have subsequently.

I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour if I were you. YANBU

What Chil just said.

It also probably explains why he keeps restarting again.

YANBU. DH has tried to give up a few times and has lasted a few months. The first week is horrific, and he knows it. By the second week he is able to see what a cock he is being and will apologise for the week before.

If he does this and can't see HIBU then I would say that is an issue.
I agree with nicotine replacements, they do help when DH can be bothered to use them.

We actually do a lot of bickering even when he isn't smoking (i.e. I'm a nag and always lose things/he doesn't help out and gives the girls fruit shoots for breakfast) but it's usually with good humor. The cold, aggressive, irrational, shouty/sweary side comes out when he's having nicotine withdrawl.

He has tried nicotine replacements, hypnotherapy & Alan Carr, but no luck there really. I do understand that he needs support, but I really struggle to offer it. TBH, I'm so fed up with going through this over and over again that I feel quite a lot of resentment about the situation as well. I'm sure he knows that and it probably puts his back up even more.

He did apologize for this morning and said he understood that he had been really mean. The problem for me is that I can't quite dismiss the things he says when he loses it. If he's able to say it, then at some level he must believe it, right? Or can nicotine withdrawl create negative emotions that wouldnt otherwise be there?

Alarm bells ringing here. If he is verbally abusive to you it is never your fault. That is not an excuse. Please don't let yourself think that it is the start of a slippery slope for your self esteem.

The bad mood surrounding nicotine withdrawal will mean that his feelings are exaggerated, what was an 'irritation' is now 'intolerable' and he may well even be needling you in points that he knows will get a rise - just so he can have an argument. I doubt he's making things up.

None of it is acceptable, of course.

I think what is bothering me about this is the fact you say he keeps repeating it. Has this really happened 3 times a year for the last 10 years? :(

You said in your OP, and Hecate said and I'm sure other posters will - that giving up smoking can make you feel very stressed out and act crabby towards others. But the difference is that you recognise this, whereas he doesn't seem to.

It's one thing to give up smoking and be an arse for a few weeks and then be horrified at your behaviour later, even if you do start smoking again and consider trying to quit again - in fact in this situation would you not think "Oh no I can't go through that again, I was so awful" and either try a different way of giving up, e.g. cutting down or nicotine replacement therapy or even hypnotherapy or something, or work with your family to try and minimise the effects, maybe even get your DH to take the children away for a weekend or something. Especially if you had tried to quit multiple times and had the same angry reaction each time. It's another thing entirely to deal with it as your DH seems to be - to just keep doing the same thing again with little concern about the effects he is having on his family.

Yanbu. He needs to be on medication for anxiety while quitting if this is how withdrawal affects him. To hurl abuse at you like that is not acceptable. Meanwhile try and avoid saying anything negative at all, to try and keep peace as mush as possible.
Maybe he should try Acupuncture or Lazar treatments and medication together?

It's OK for him to be feeling shitty and snappy.

It is not OK for him to have a go at you, let alone in front of the kids.

He needs to recognise this, and learn to remove himself from a situation where he thinks he might lose it, before it happens.

Same goes for, well, pretty much any stressful situation in a relationship. Problems don't get solved by shouting at someone and making them feel bad about themselves, the problem has to be depersonalised and discussed calmly when both of you feel able.

You seem to get this, as you tried to get him to leave the situation, but he clearly didn't. Looking back, perhaps you could have removed the children and left him to it, but in the long run he needs to have the self-awareness to recognise that he is not capable of being a reasonable person right now, and take himself off to calm down. Perhaps a stop smoking support group might give him the tools to deal with that? Perhaps you could talk to him when he is calm and make it clear that his moods cannot be allowed to affect the children or you in this manner, so need to get under control?

I kind of think he does this because he doesn't really want to quit. He actually sets it up to happen by not telling me he's planning to quit. If he did, I would keep myself and the kids out of his way for the first week or so. But instead, I end up blundering along making some comment that sets him off and it all explodes--Then later he can tell himself it's ok to smoke because quitting is upsetting the family.

I'd love for him to go to the GP and get some help giving up. I'd even buy him a ticket to some sunny destination where he could enjoy himself away from us while he does it--I just can't see it happening, though.