Concerned about my sisters behaviour...

[gingerino]

My sister lost her husband 2 years ago to cancer, he was only 40 and it rocked the whole family. They have 4 kids aged from 6-12 years and it has been a tough time for them. They adored their dad. Our family have helped out as best we can since he died and she has had 2 amazing au pairs who have been fantastic with the kids.

My sister has just recently started a relationship with a divorced man in Utah via the internet. She has never met him and he is coming to stay at her home in October with his 16 year old son. We don't know how long he is staying as one of my nieces just told us everything last weekend and she is past herself with worry about this stranger coming into her home. My sister announced to my niece in front of her best friend that he wouldn't be in the spare room , he would be in her bed. They have been warned not to tell us anything as we will intefer. Bear in mind I have my 4 nieces to stay with me quite often and they love to spend time here. My sister recently dyed her hair pink, bought 2 pairs of knee high doc martens and has pierced her eyebrow, lip and tongue. She is getting a tattoo and has booked herself in for a tummy tuck at the end of August. She eats only crackers in a bid to lose weight and my older niece said that since the au pair left 3 weeks ago my sister hasn't cooked a meal saying that she doesn't want to be around food.

While the au pair was there she frequently stayed out overnight in hotels and since the au pair has left we do know that she has left the 4 children on their own overnight last week before coming home and driving 3 hours to a heavy metal concert with the 12 year old and the 14 year on only 2 hours sleep. She writes inappropriate comments on the Face book pages of the 2 older children and mocks them openly in front of their friends. She has her house up for sale intending to move closer to me but has changed her mind since meeting this man online and the house she was due to rent near me this month lies waiting for her and she is refusing to call the landlord who wouldn't even take a deposit as he knows the family.

I have only found most of this out today and I'm not sure how to react. If I go and chat to her she will get defensive and shut down. My gravest concern is for the children at this stage. She is complaining that she didn't have a life, that she had them at a young age and that it is her deceased husband who wanted them anyway. These children are amazing but I think are now being emotionally abused and by the looks of it, not fed.

Am I over reacting, I'm not sure what to think anymore.

I would be concerned too. I would go and see your sister, so that you can assess how things are yourself - how thin she is, whether there is food in the house for the children, etc.

this sounds a bit like a hypomanic episode - if you google bipolar disorder or manic-depression, you will see the signs. Basically, disinhibition (both sexual disinhibition and general, like the mocking comments); speaking too fast and too much, flight of ideas (one thought flowing off at a tangent to another - sort of excess imagination); spending sprees; grandiose ideas.

If it is she needs to be in hospital for her own protection (especially if she is running up huge credit card debts, or driving a car). Call her GP and explain.

However, if you think this is a grief reaction, then you need to be concerned but not critical. You definitely do not want her to turn away from you or to restrict your access to the kids.

I am so sorry this is all so miserable. My condolences for you all.

Good luck.

I am afraid that she will prevent me from seeing the children. She did that to her husbands mother straight after the funeral and I took the children in to see their gran but my sister refused to talk to her until we had a communion this year and she finally relented.

My sister has always been erratic. Before she met her husband she was always in trouble. He was a calming influence and since his death we are watching her return to behaviour she used to display in 1987. I love her but I hate the person she is at the moment.

There is another au pair starting in October as my sister has been forced to take part time hours in her job and she will be gone from 3-9pm every night. The 2 small children will start school beside me in Sept as she had intended to move beside me and she told their previous school that she was moving although I asked her at the time to wait as I thought she might change her mind. The au pair will have to drive them up here to school and collect them everyday.

My own son starts school this year and I want to be there for him but she is demanding that we be there to help her for the month of September until the au pair starts..My younger sister wants to go and meet her today to try and talk to her.....

Dear Gingerino

I would be worried about her banning you from seeing the kids too.

It sounds as though you do not think this is an episode of mental illness, but more like acting out as a reaction to her grief. Bereavement counselling may be useful, if she can find the right counsellor.

I think you have to hang in there and support her children as well as your own during the start of school. It is hard, but then it is the kids with the most difficult parents who need support the most, which will mean holding your tongue on some stuff and making sure you are in touch.

Hope your younger sister has a useful meeting.

Sorry, no help here.. Sounds like a horrible situation for all of you involved though :(

Um actually... Does she see anyone professionally like a councelor, you could speak to though to voice your concerns? Let them know she is behaving oddly incase she is hiding it in front of them?

Could you possibly offer to take the kids while the man is visiting, on the basis it would give them more time together? That way you get the kids out of the way of the stranger, get to assess how they are, and you're in your sister's good books for that difficult chat you're clearly going to have to have.

My SIL is bipolar and many of the things that you posted sound very similar.

Wacky haircuts, inappropriate comments, planning things and then blowing them off.

It is very very difficult situation for you. Could you and your sister go and see her together?

We found that only when the whole family presented a united front were we able to get SIL to understand that we were concerned about her.

Looking back we realised that she had been bipolar for a long time but it was never so extreme.

Thank you for all your comments. My sister had counselling after her husband died but she was so angry with her MIL she used the meetings to vent that anger. She isn't in any counselling at the moment although I think she clearly needs to be.

My younger sister couldn't get the strength up to see her yesterday and I can't say I blame her. I think we do need to present a united front in a non judgemental manner. (Although I want to kill her for inviting this stranger into her home with my nieces.)

The 12 year old stayed with me last night and she will not discuss her Mum...Not that I've probed too much. Whatever happens they are so loyal to their Mum and I admire that but I'm concerned about the long term implications for all of them.

We did manage to convince her to ring the landlord of the house she was due to rent and he was very understanding so that's progress.

My mother is telling my Dad tonight(he will freak) and I'm hoping to go to talk to my sister next weekend with my hubby. She gets on really well with my husband and I think she may listen to him. I feel so helpless as I worry about my sister too..Thanks again for all your thoughts. It really helps to dicuss this with someone else as we are all on a knife edge here..

Do you know the name of her counsellor? Could you get in touch with her and ask her for advice?

If you can all go together, maybe get someone to take the younger children, then it will be clearer to her.

Although, when SIL is in a phase, she cannot think clearly. Do not be upset if she reacts badly or pins the "blame" on one person. SIL often did this, my FIL was the baddy (similar to how your sister has chosen her MIL, although there may be a reason for that=.

Good luck.