difficult choice re: christening - please come and sort me out!

[sterrryerryoh]

Hi all.
This is more of a ?what IS reasonable in this situation? rather than ?AIBU? as I haven?t come to any decisions or done anything yet. I?m hoping for some viewpoints to steer me in the right direction.
Background: Our DS age 12 months is adopted. We?re in the process of having the adoption finalised, and waiting for the court order to come through later this month(a formality).
When we were in the process of waiting to be placed with him, we had several meetings with SS, Family Finders and various people in order to finalise the paperwork for the adoption plan. To make this very brief - the adoption plan is unique to each adoptive family and is comprised of firstly what is best for the child, and then a combination of birth family needs, contact arrangements, and adoptive family needs. As part of our adoption plan we agreed to have DS christened once the adoption was finalised. This was at the wishes of his birth mother. Now that time is almost upon us, we are starting to think about his christening. I am not a christian, and neither is DH, and if we had got a biological child, then we wouldn?t be planning a christening. Some family members and friends ARE christians, and are looking forward to the christening, and trying to help us organise it, and are coming up with lots of ideas about what we should do. Now, in my head this was always going to be a small affair - to go and christen him with a few witnesses, have a small celebration afterwards, take some photos and job done. However, it?s not really working like that in practise. So many (lovely) people want to come and be part of it, my Mum?s best friend is a newly qualified priest and has offered to do the service, and everyone is really getting involved, which is wonderful and welcoming. However, this christening is getting bigger and bigger, with people offering to do the flowers, asking us what gifts we want, offering to come shopping with me for gowns etc, planning where we are going to have the ?party? and all sorts of things. The trouble is, I don?t feel comfortable with going to town on it - it is not our choice to have him christened, and I feel like such a hypocrite. And it?s very hard to talk to these people and explain that I don?t believe in their God, but am expecting their church to be OK with that. On top of this, my Mum?s best friend (the vicar) has just advised me that we have to go to these pre-christening services for 4 weeks before the christening,if we want her to do it and she said it?s ?quite intense?. Now, she knows that I?m not a christian (although I?m very involved in lots of community stuff, which tends to centre around the church) but I get the feeling that she thinks I ought to be.
So - where do I go? Should I just think ?Well, I?ve got to do it anyway, so we might as well go for the big one? which I already feel uncomfortable with, and can?t really afford, or should I stick to my ?small service? and hope that people don?t feel offended if they are not invited/included - including my Mum?s friend?
Oh, I just don?t know! I do hope I haven?t upset or offended anyone with this post - I am very respectful of the christian faith, but I am not a christian, I don?t enjoy church services, and if I go to christenings, I don?t vocally participate. Which is another thing!!
Please help me? what is the reasonable option here?

Congratulations on your ds! I think you should "elope" tell everyone you are putting things on hold for a while then just get the child christened on your own with DH. Even if you aren't religious try and enjoy the christening as you welcoming your new baby home symbolically.

haha - thanks Sanielle - that sounds fab, but my mother would never forgive me!
:)

If I was in your position, I would feel exactly the same as you.

I agree with you that you have a moral obligation to DS's birth parents to go ahead with the christening.

What I would do in your position would be to speak to the vicar at 'your' church, explain the situation and your postion, explain you are happy for DS to get his religious teachings from his god parents, but that you want to take a back seat in the christening and don't wish to attend the pre-christening stuff. On the day, take a backseat and let the Godparents get on with it all...

As for the Godparents, I would choose friends who are christian but not pushy and for this reason I wouldn't ask your Mum's friend (I'd be worried she'd want to take him to church every Sunday & be very pushy about things).

You seem to have a lot of people who want to be involved on the day, so let them!! Have the 'party' somewhere you are comfortable with, let everyone 'bring a plate' etc. You can borrow a gown (someone from the church must have one!!), or get one off of ebay etc it doesn't need to be a major expense.

Invite people to DS's Christening (the bit in the church) and 'Welcome to the family' party - then once the church part is over, you can relax and enjoy the welcome party without feeling like a hypocrite :)

Congratulations on adopting DS, it's a hard road to get as far as you have, but soooo worth it :)

I assume you will have seen this before, but I love it so much I have to share - just in case you haven't !!

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it

I think you need to stop feeling guilty about having your DS christened, you're respecting his birth mothers wishes, it's as simple as that. Whether or not you have a big or small ceremony is more about budget, space etc in my opinion, that's a personal preference and nothing to do with what you believe in.

We had one prep class when my DD was christened (DP & family religious, me not so much) and all it really was was a discussion of what a christening means - lots of things came up, many of them non-religious! - and a run through of what actually happens. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all during DD's service, they "crossed" me, I made promises etc but as I don't believe they were just part of the whole event. It wasn't about what I was saying if you see what I mean?

I'm not trying to be mean, but I think the only honest option is to not have a christening. You are not christian, neither is your DH. Can you stand in a church and make promises you cannot and will not keep? Can you pledge your child to be part of a church that you will not attend?

Have a naming ceremony, have a welcoming ceremony, have a party, but IMHO going through a church ceremony by cheating is not the way to start your life as a new family.

This is just my opinion, for once I don't mean to offend.

Thanks chippingin and ewe - I?m going to have a chat with DH when he gets in tonight and make some decisions. Some wonderful advice here. Beautiful poem, chippin - we have it framed on his wall. It actually brings a tear to my eye

Perhaps one of the difficulties is that some churches are not willing to perform a small private christening, because it does not fit with their beliefs of welcoming a christened child into the whole family of the church.

I agree so much with wombling. When my dcs were christened I was an active, participating member of a church. We did not have any godparents because the people who I would trust to guide my dc were not Christians, and my friends who were Christians were not people that I'd want as godparents.

Subsequent celebration lunch was all 4 grandparents and 2 out of 5 siblings. That was just fine for us. But some people were horrified by what we did.

Sterry perhaps you could do a small christening followed by the Celebration Hearing (which sounds delightful).

thank you for your opinion, *Bonnie - I completely understand your viewpoint and was expecting more people to express that belief, really. In principle, I think you?re right - but our son is the product of 2 families, and I really have to respect birth mother?s wishes in this instance. He will not be raised in the christian faith, but he will have lots of christians in his life and we will educate him and support him whatever his decisions in the future. I don?t want to ?cheat? in the ceremony - I will be completely honest with whichever vicar we decide to speak to. I will definitely struggle to vocalise all of the things that I, as his parent, am supposed to repeat in a church service, but I will make my peace with that by knowing that I am doing it for him and for the woman who gave him life. I admire and respect the values and the ethos of christian teachings, even though I don?t have the faith, and I hope that I will be able to believe in the guidance of the words I will speak, even if not in their actual meaning. I would hate to offend or upset anyone who has christian faith, and would hope that the people there will respect our decision to honour the adoption plan.
venus - I think I?m veering towards the idea of small christening and big celebration hearing (which will be on different days) Friends who have adopted had fairly small celebration hearings with just close family, but I?m hoping that we could stay low-key with guests at an intimate christening (no bells and whistles) and placate all my lovely friends and family by inviting them to our Family Day instead. Our situation is fairly unique, with the christening etc, so we?re on unknown turf here

With all the thought and effort you're putting into this I'm sure you will have a fabulous day(s). Your ds is a very lucky little boy to have you.

Oh thank you!! I'm the lucky one, though! :)

Haven't read whole post.

Just a suggestion; to go through with a Naming Ceremony - that way have the huge social celebration that your well-meaning extended family and friends want to share with you (would be a real occasion for acknowleding you as a family etc) but then you wouldn't have the aspect of religion that is making you uncomfortable.

This would also leave the door open for your DC to later be confirmed/adult christening if that is what they choose?

Just a suggestion.

Nonno - we can?t really avoid the religious aspect, as we have agreed to honour birth mum?s wishes. Thanks for the idea, though

Tricky.

When I'm not sure about a religious ceremony, I try to concentrate on the community aspect (i.e renouncing the devil is hard, but you could think about it as trying to keep good in life!)

In our church, they hate big, 'showy' christenings, and get really upset if the christening guests are too numerous. They are of the view that a christening (only they always call it a baptism) is a private and solemn occassion, not just an excuse for a party.
Also, I am concerned that nobody has considered the feelings of the child in this (towards the big party, not the christening itself!). Adopted children are at a much greater risk of suffering from attachment disorders.Experts in attachment disorders strongly advocate a long period of 'settling in', where the primary carer/s are the only one/s to hold/change/feed the child, in order to strongly form the attachment.
A big party with lots of people would surely go against this advice?
Maybe you could use either of these points in your argument against the big party?

I can see how difficult this is for you- I understand you wanting to honor his bm request... but being christened is promising to raise him in the christian faith!

I agree that having your mother's vicar friend as a godparent is a fantastic idea.

What are the post-adoption conditions? Will there be letterbox contact with bm at all? If there is to be no birth family contact, as 2 atheists, I would be seriously considering not having a christening at all.
You could have a 'welcome to our family' celebration, or perhaps a dedication, which is a christian ceremony acknowledging a new life, but gives the child the option to choose christianity for himself when he is old enough to make that judgement.

Good points, amistill, but DS has been with us since he was a tiny baby - we?ve attached wonderfully well as a family. He will have been with us at least a year when we have the christening. He looks to us as his carers and parents and has positive relationships with extended family members. Please don?t be concerned - of course we?ve considered him in all of this. We?ve had 3 years of adoptive parenting training, and are learning and understanding our specific family relationship all of the time.

Montmartre - yes, there is letterbox contact with birth mother.
We considered many of the implications when we agreed to this in the adoption plan, and at this point, it?s a given that we will proceed with the christening. It?s more about him and his feelings in the future. We acknowledged and agreed to respect and honour birth family?s wishes, and that?s what we will do. He won?t be raised in the christian faith, but he will be raised knowing that his birth mother chose to ask for his christening and all that this implies. In the future, when he sees all of his adoption paperwork and sees that we agreed to christen him, I would genuinely now know how to explain to him that we reneged on our promise.

Sorry if I offended you Sterry. From your original post I thought your LO had only just arrived, and I thought a big party would be overwhelming for him.

*
"genuinely NOT know how to explain to him that we reneged on our promise"

oh goodness no, you didn?t offend me amistill! Of course not - I thought it was a really insightful post, and I really appreciate your input. We?ve had him a while now, he?s part of the furniture

In that case, I hope you can find a resolution that works.

And many, many congratulations of your son!

thank you very much