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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to renew wedding vows?

20 replies

outtheotherside · 06/08/2010 19:24

DH and I have been married 91/2 years. we separated for 6 months about 3 years ago due to his substance abuse and vile behaviour.

We have 3 dc

since we decided to try again, 2 1/2 years ago, Dh has attended AA, has been sober. i have sought some individual therapy.

I can honestly say our life now is SO much better than before. Its not perfect (we have financial difficulties, one child with SN etc etc) but I really feel we are a unit, working together. Our communication has dramatically improved.

as a marker of this we have thought about renewing our wedding vows on our 10th Anniversary (next March)

something simple - a brief church ceremony and a short buffet lunch ?

is that too poncey - is it nice ? is it pretentious - should we assume that the original vows (for better or worse) still apply and its showy to do it again ?

OP posts:

paisleyleaf · 06/08/2010 19:27

Do it if it's something you both feel you want to do
....but don't go sending out a gift list or ask for money or anything

skidoodly · 06/08/2010 19:32

I think renewing vows publicly is a bit weird.

Your original vows do still stand and it's great that you've worked so hard to keep you marriage together and succeeded so well.

Problems like that in a marriage are kind of a private thing. Having a big party to celebrate getting over them doesn't sit right with me.

vintagewarrior · 06/08/2010 19:38

I think it's a fantastic idea, especially if you've stuck together through the AA business. It's about re affirming your commitment and can be as public or private as you want. My partner just started AA, and I'm trying to decide if we have a future or not, so your post made me hopeful !!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/08/2010 19:39

I think that if you want to renew your vows then that is something private between the two of you.

If I were in your position then I would just go and do it one day and not tell anyone, because it would only be something between DH and I.

MmeRedWhiteandBlueberry · 06/08/2010 19:40

It's a fantastic idea, out. I hope you can organise something.

It is pretty typical to reaffirm vows at silver weddings etc. Nothing to say you can't do it sooner.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 06/08/2010 19:43

I'm with the posters who suggest it's something to do in private. I'm glad that you've been able to work through your problems - sounds as if you've had a hard time of it

Biscuitbreaker · 06/08/2010 19:54

I think it is a nice idea - I don't necessarily agree with keeping it just you two though, at the very least you could involve your children and family.

MandyMcFly · 06/08/2010 20:04

I think it's a lovely idea What a lovely symbol of overcoming your troubles, it will be like closing the door on the past and welcoming the future with a renewed love for each other. I know,Im soppy haha.

And definitely something to share with friends and family, as long as it's not asking them to contribute/give gifts again I don't know why anybody would be less than delighted to attend.

I am 21, and I got married just last year..but it was very rushed and small, I'd love to renew at 10 years and have a dress and fuss if we could afford it then! And pay for it all and give everybody a lovely time

Original poster

outtheotherside · 06/08/2010 20:55

We certainly would NOT be asking for gifts.

we might ask family ( our dc, parents and siblings (and their families)and very close friends)

it would be a bit of a thank you for their support through the tough times...

I would want want them to be there as they have been so supportive in our journey

OP posts:

sanielle · 06/08/2010 21:01

Think that is a very nice idea. Especially if its just family and a thank you like you said.

venusandmars · 06/08/2010 21:03

outtheotherside you could have a look for an interfaith celebrant who could perform a ceremony for you. They do ceremonies for people of any faith, or of none, and many will help you write a suitabloe ceremony for vow renewal.

FakePlasticTrees · 06/08/2010 21:08

I would do it with just your DCs/parents, and then have the buffet do as a 10th wedding anniversary party.

And well done for getting to 10 years with all that going on!

rubbersoul · 06/08/2010 21:14

I think it's a great idea. Don't listen to anyone who thinks it's weird- it isn't. Renew your vows and have a big party- alot of people seem to be doing this for the 10th anniversary now, especially as so much can change in a marriage (and get stronger!)

Did you marry in a civil ceremony or in church?

Boys2mam · 06/08/2010 21:16

I think it's a lovely idea.

Whether it's poncey or pretentious depends on how you approach it in terms of how big of deal you make of it - close and personal with friends and family who have supported you throughout is a show of appreciation.

Well done x

sleepingsowell · 06/08/2010 21:40

I think it's just silly - sorry. The whole point of vows is that they are that - vows! they don't get 're taken' - I can see why people want to do this and I can see why you two would want to celebrate how hard you have worked to keep together. But try as I might i still cringe at the very idea of renewing something that is permanent!

Why not throw an anniversary party?

Original poster

outtheotherside · 07/08/2010 12:23

Thanks all. I like the idea of having a big party for all the family and close friends who have been supportive, we pay for it obviously and call it a 10th Wedding Anniversary party.

we married originally in church, and actually the repeating the vows seems a bit unnecessary since we haven't broken them (by which I mean neither of us has been unfaithful)

Perhaps we would do that bit in private with just the dc if DH feels strongly that he wants to. Otherwise maybe just the party ?

OP posts:

venusandmars · 07/08/2010 19:49

Your vows were about more than just being faithful though.

I assume they also included love, honour, cherish, in good times and in bad etc.

Whatever you do as a public event, taking time for you and dh to think what those words and sentiments mean to you now can be a very lovely and re-affirming process. More than just "phew, we've survived, let's have a party"

Enjoy.

Wanttofly · 07/08/2010 19:59

I think it sounds nice, go for it and do it how you want. It will be your day after all

pagwatch · 07/08/2010 20:09

Without wishing to be too simplistic, you should do whatever feels right for both of you.

Dh has asked me if I want to renew our vows. I am thinking about it.
I know the vows are permanent. Of course they are. But cringing at the idea of restatingthen seems a vast over reaction.

When DH and I got married he was barely 21. I wasn't much older .
It is 20 plus years later. we are differenmt people in many ways. Three children, coping with disabilty. losing a parent, coping with changes in our circumstances etc all mean that we have changes in many ways.
It is of course a celebtration every year when we recognise our anniversary and enjoy our continuing happiness.
But to renew our vows, perhaps in 4 years when we reach our silver wedding , would be to us a statement that the years have not simply passed well. But that we would make the same committment today, knowing all we know - good and bad - and even after so much has changed we would do it all again.
I think that is nice

GenevieveHawkings · 07/08/2010 21:04

I think these public declarations are a complete waste of time - not to mention money.

The fact is that marriage comes with no guarantee of success and no amount of periodic public statements of love and commitment to one another will change that.

Surely it's most important what you say to one another privately - saying it in front of other people in public won't mean that neither of you can go back on it.

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