To be so upset with DH that i feel llike screaming. (Sori LONG!)

[rmm]

I have 2 beautiful dd and i honestly thought that i was happy and complete. But I've missed my period and although its unlikely that i am pregnant (prob just a missed cycle) i feel really sad.
I never even knew i wanted a 3rd dc. But the thought that it was possible made me feel broody.
Now dh has always made really clear that he is really happy with the way we are and that he doesnt want anymore kids EVER. Becasue he doesnt have enough time for himself and he would have to work 5 more years inorder to support a larger family. All very rational i know!
But yesterday i tried to talk to him about the whole situation and needless to say its a situation filled with emotion. So the discussion was filled with accustions and tears and didnt acheive anything.
But what really really upsets me is dh's attitide about everything about me. I must always be the bigger person, i must always rise above it.
For example we'd taken the kids out the other day and some american wonam came and stood in front of me and really annoyed me and when i told him he said it wasnt worth getting worked up over! I know that i just wanted to vent.
Hi brothers wife took all the cousins out for lunch the other day except for my older dd and when i told dh his reaction was whats the big deal?! Yet i must always involve all cousins in everything i do becasue its the right thing to do.
I'm the only one in the house who ever tidese up. Cds, old newspapers, replacing lighbulbs, all the diy stuff everything. He'll starte a project but i always have to finish it up. We've been in our current home for 2 years and we still have boxes of his things to unpack so i went and ordered some bookshelves that we could put up so i could unpack the boxes but i need the help to put the bookshelves together and those boxes have been lying around for the last 2 weeks.
On a sunday if he lets me sleep in then i dont hear the end of it the whole day. But its so subtle that most people either miss it or thing what a lucky woman. But i do everything for the kids everyday and i'm still made to feel guilty on the one day he does it.
or last sunday the kids and i were invided to a party and didnt get home til past 7 and i came home to start dinner and get the kids stuff organised close windows and close up for the nite. But if he had gone out i would have done all of the above as part of the normal.
Its a million things that feel rolled up to make me feel like i have this massive weight on my chest and everytime i try to tell him how he makes me feel he says he is trying and he doesnt understand what more i want from him. Everyone else thinks he's a model husband so why dont oi cut him some slack.
I cant fault him being an amazing father. I just want a husband aroun who is my friend.
After 10 years of being married too much to ask?
AIBU????

'a massive weight on my chest'

That one doesn't sound good.

Has writing all this down helped to work out what the weight consists of? Has it eased the weight at all, or even made it worse?

I do think that this is salvageable but I'm afraid it probably has to start with you - in that changing some of the ways you react may help him act more like the husband you'd like him to be.

But I totally get why all this feels overwhelming. It is overwhelming, the constant endless responsibility.

The one thing I would start with is your lie in/day off. If he starts making you feel guilty about it, pull him up on it. Laugh and ask what the big deal is, the way he does with you. Then move on. If he persists, maybe think about having your lie in while staying with a friend, so you get a real break?

Go and have a chat with your GP.

What have you got in your life that is just for you? A hobby? A job? anything?

Writing it down make me want to cry!!

I have an amazing life on the outside. But sometimes in order for it to be so great i have to work really hard. I used to work full time in a really high power job until a year and half ago.

Now i'm a mum and housekeeper. I guess i have my friends and i do get time to do what i want during the week.

I'm not suicidal. I'm happy most of the time.

But i spend so little time with dh anyway and what t ime i spend with him seems to be filled with fights and drama and constatntly feeling like i come second to everything in his life, his family, his work, his mum, his everything.

I'm feeling resentful and well neglected.

How old are your children?

The reason I ask is that I wonder if you've had two children in that year and a half?? I wonder what triggered the decision for you to stop WOHM for the time being? It's a very big change in anyone's life.

My older dd is 4 and the younger one is 1.5. I stopped after i had her becasue i just couldnt fit everything in.
When i was at work i wanted to be with the girls and when i was with the girls i felt like i wasnt delivering on my work like i used to.

It was a nightmare situation and dh was wonderfully supportive when we decided that one of should stay at home and financially it made more sense if i stayed at home.

Its just since i've bene home i've stopped having fun with dh. I'm starting to feellikethe furniture. He assumes that the clean faires come and clean up and tidy up.

He's an amazing dad.
But whenever i try talking to him about how i feel he goes on the defense and then thats it.

I know i have to try harder. But i just feel really lonely as far as my marriage is concerened.

I have great friends and i have a great life. I have truely been blessed with my kids. I just want dh to appreciate me sometimes. The last time he did anything romatic was well over 4 years ago!!!!!

Men sometimes really don't understand the way us women work, which is why we sometimes have to spell it out for them. More than once. Would he have sorted out the house for the night when you went to the party if you'd asked him to? Have you asked him to help you unpack boxes and put up shelves? The fact that you do all the tidying up means that it probably doesn't even enter his head that you actually want him to do it. I know it would be nice if he took the initiative and just did it, but it probably genuinely won't occur to him that if he doesn't he's making you feel neglected.

You can't change him, you can only change yourself. Try asking him straight to do the things that you need him to do. Try doing the whole thing that they tell you to do at counselling, like saying 'when you do this, it makes me feel like this, but it would really make me feel better if you did this insead' Insert your own feelings, needs etc as appropriate.

I don't think it sounds like your DH is a bad person or that your marriage is doomed at all, you just need to find better ways of communicating with eachother.
Your situation sounds quite textbook, the whole man are from mars women are from venus thing. The fact that he says that he doesn't understand what you want, probably really does mean that he doesn't understand what you want. If you help him understand exactly what he needs to do (with direct instructions) and he still seems uninterested, then you might have a problem. I hope you manage to get things resolved.

DH got the message when we had this conversation:

me: DH, where do you work?
DH: at xxxxxx
me: ok, what hours do you work? what time do you start and finish? what are your days off?
DH: from xxx to xxxx, on xxx days
me: ok.. where do I work?
DH: at home, taking care of the house and the kids
me: ok... what hours do I work? what time do I start and finish... what are my days off?

blank look from DH... followed by some "hmmm" and "well..."

he does still have his moments, but basically he gets it now...

Just wanted to give you a hug. I could have written this post.

My DP sounds just like yours. great dad, great person - but not always a great partner. He's an absolute hoarder and doesn't see mess which can drive me crazy! Sometmes I feel like I can't breathe in the house it stresses me so much!

I have just returned to work after DD2 who is now 1 and it has made a big difference. I am out of teh house and I have made more effort to socialise and see my friends more. Just talking about it and physically getting away fro it can make things a whole lot better!

Better communication is proabaly the answer, but also better self - esteem. It's hard living with a martyr - but worth it (usually)

I did more or less the same as Triggles. There was a slightly sticky moment when DH started to moan that his weekends were for relaxing after a week's work but I prodded him hard calmly pointed out that it was my weekend too.

I don't knwo if it's a gender thing, but I've found that I get a far better response from DH (and the tasks get done) if I say "DH I need this done by the end of the day/weekend/week" rather than "Oh this needs doing" and expecting him to take the initiative. In other words he works better to a given timeframe with a specific goal (like he does at work). Could you try that?