Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To be annoyed with dd

25 replies

Mowgli1970 · 05/08/2010 17:55

She is 10 and is so afraid of life. She cried when next door's cat jumped on the windowsill and frightened her, she cried when her banana fell on the floor (FGS!), she cried when we went to the park (at her request) and everything was occupied as she doesn't like going on rides when other kids are on them, she cried when she went on a slide and a younger girl pushed past and said "I'm going on first". I can't get her to do things to increase her confidence as she refuses point blank. AIBU to have shouted at her? What can I do to make her more assertive?

OP posts:

Igglybuff · 05/08/2010 17:57

YABU

Shouting at her would make it worse.

Maybe her hormones are kicking in and she's not sure what's what anymore?

What does she like doing?

Original poster

Mowgli1970 · 05/08/2010 18:01

She'd quite happily watch tv all day Igglybuff. She likes drawing, going on the computer, playing on the wii or ds. All very solitary, sedentary things. You're right IABU to have shouted, but I was so frustrated. I feel as though she doesn't trust me, as if she thinks I'd put her in a dangerous situation when I'm encouraging her to just go on the swings!

OP posts:

waitingforbedtime · 05/08/2010 18:03

Yabu but I dont blame you, it would drive me demented.

Has she always been like this? Is she more adventurous when with friends?

Igglybuff · 05/08/2010 18:03

Does she have many friends?

compo · 05/08/2010 18:04

I'd just leave her too it
it doesn't matter if she doesn't want to go on a swing does it ?
As long as she gets along alright at school, perhaps she just does it at home. She would be mocked hideously if she cried at school for dropping a banana on the floor

Original poster

Mowgli1970 · 05/08/2010 18:07

She has 3 close friends and is slightly more adventurous with them, but not a great deal. She has always been like this, but recently it seems she's getting worse! There's no reason for it, she's never had a traumatic incident which knocked her confidence so I can't understand it. Her brother is 3 years younger and will happily do age appropriate things like going on stuff in the park, make friends with other children who are playing etc. Dd feels as though something bad's always going to happen.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mowgli1970 · 05/08/2010 18:08

It doesn't matter Compo, you're right, but I just wish she'd live life a bit. She's always sitting on the sidelines iyswim?

OP posts:

SloanyPony · 05/08/2010 18:10

She sounds sensitive.

It might not pass till she's older and you can parent her differently to what you can when they are 10, if that makes sense.

They are born not made but you can help them out of it when the time is right.

violethill · 05/08/2010 18:12

Is she like this in other situations? Because as compo says, how would she have survived at school this long?

Sounds as though it's something about the dynamic when she's with you. That's not accusatory, just saying that maybe she picks up on your feelings that she's not confident enough, and it makes her worse. or maybe she's manipulating you for attention. Find out from other people what she's like in other situations, and assuming she's ok, I think you need to work at making this a non issue. Don't shout, or push her to do things, but don't mollycoddle either. If she gets upset at the park, move on, go home, just act as though it's unecessary and a bit boring to have tears every few minutes.

If she does have problems in other situations, then you may need to seek further advice about her behaviour. It's definitely not usual in a 10 yr old

LucyLouLou · 05/08/2010 18:14

Mowgli1970 - just playing devil's advocate here....are you sure it's not possible that something has happened you don't know about? Bullying at school etc? Sorry, don't mean to worry you further (and FWIW, it's understandable to shout out of frustration!) but just trying to cover all bases.

Original poster

Mowgli1970 · 05/08/2010 18:18

She does cry in school and gets teased for it. She was unable to take part in sports day because she was hysterical. She hates sports and isn't in the least sporty so for her it was a nightmare. I'm just at the end of my tether and so concerned for her next year when she goes to high school where she'll have to toughen up.

OP posts:

needafootmassage · 05/08/2010 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Igglybuff · 05/08/2010 18:22

Can you ask her about specific incidents and her reactions?

Maybe she won't be one of those outgoing kids - I know I wasn't although my brother was much more outgoing. Although something seems wrong.

Maybe shes trying to get your attention - and knows no other way. Could be something specific or onset of puberty?

maryz · 05/08/2010 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

violethill · 05/08/2010 18:26

What have her teachers got in place to support her? This needs to be a joint approach, as clearly it's home as well as school, and other situations, but they should certainly be able to advise on doing some work around her extreme anxiety. Some children just are highly anxious, so it doesn't mean you (or she) have done anything wrong. WHat she needs is clear, consistent handling though. The school will know by now what situations will trigger it, and need to have a strategy for how to deal with them. It doesn't always mean letting her off tricky situations, but preparing for her to cope. Likewise with secondary school. The school should start a transition programme early, enabling her to visit the new school early on, perhaps with a small group of friends, so that she becomes familiar with the layout and routines.

On a positive note, she may well just grow out of this, and it may be the move to secondary that's the making of her. I have known children with such issues completely flourish in a new environment - it's like a switch goes on and they suddenly feel ok

Igglybuff · 05/08/2010 18:29

Can you ask her about specific incidents and her reactions?

Maybe she won't be one of those outgoing kids - I know I wasn't although my brother was much more outgoing. Although something seems wrong.

Maybe shes trying to get your attention - and knows no other way. Could be something specific or onset of puberty?

shockers · 05/08/2010 18:31

She sounds like she is really stressed. I behave like that under stress... really jumpy and tearful. Could something you are unaware of be getting her this way?

Original poster

Mowgli1970 · 05/08/2010 18:33

She seems fine when she's at home, she hasn't mentioned any problems at school. I'll chat to her tonight. Maybe part of her anxiety is me projecting my feelings onto her and making her feel inadequate? Blimey, I need wine .

OP posts:

mummytime · 05/08/2010 18:49

I'd suggest calming down. Kids are themselves. Is she happy? Does she have friends? What has her school said? Have you spoken to her new school?

If she had really bad emotional issues I would expect her new school to have been informed and maybe offered extra induction help. It is also something which is worth discussing with the SENCo of the new school. Whilst most kids with ESBD (Emotional, Social and behavioural difficulties) are "difficult" I have known some who are "anxious" and teachers if they know can handle them (and they are usually "good" so quite nice to have in your class).

But kids can wind you up, especially if they are very different to you. I used to wind my mother up. I have been anxious about my son, who seems to do nothing, but as he seems happy, I don't push it too much. I just expect sometime he will want to socialise again. (And he does D of E, has friends at school etc.)

If she is unhappy then maybe she could do with some counselling, possibly available through her senior school.

atmywitssend · 05/08/2010 18:55

Just a thought, have you had her eyes / ears tested? Maybe she lacks confidence because she can't see / hear well? Vastly different I know but I know a three year old who became so much more confident once she got glasses to correct her eyesight?

Igglybuff · 05/08/2010 19:01

Wine is good mowgli. Maybe a chat and a cuddle from mum will help.

spiderlight · 05/08/2010 19:10

This might be worth reading:

The Highly Sensitive Child

I haven't read that one (as my DS is the most confident little lad you could ever imagine) but 'The Highly Sensitive Person' by the same author is me to a tee and I found it really helpful.

lucysmum · 05/08/2010 19:12

My 9 going on 10 yr old has been more tearful recently and I am convinced it is hormone related. When I told her to tidy her room the other day she burst into tears. When I asked her (crossly..) what was wrong she says she feels muddled/confused a lot at the moment (and so couldn't thing how to tidy her room) and hasn't felt like this before. She often gets upset at things her sisters/friends have said/done which wouldn't have bothered her a couple of months ago. She also has a few odd tummy aches, 'hot flushes'. Do you think it might be puberty related with your DD ? I have tried to spend a bit more one to one time with her. very relaxed, and that seems to help her confidence.

sleepingsowell · 05/08/2010 20:18

I think when you're frustrated with something like this it's so easy to turn all your attention to the child and make them feel all the more pressured

I personally think with things like this that role modelling is the best way to go. If she sees YOU trying new things, sees you try something, fail but cope with it, then eventually when she is mature enough she will model her behaviour on this.

I do think alot of it is just a maturity thing; she may be emotionally young at the moment maybe.

womblingfree · 05/08/2010 20:32

Raising your spirited child is another good book if you can get hold of a copy. It covers 'sensitive' children in a really positive way and is great for helping you to understand not only your child's behaviour, but also your own personality and how the 2 work together.
Agree with other posters that hormones may well be playing a part too. My friends dd was about the same age when she hit puberty so is not really that young to be getting a few mood swings etc.

Flip