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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that DP wants MIL to come on holiday with us

22 replies

4boysthatilove · 05/08/2010 13:40

First ever family holiday is coming up, a week in Devon, and I can't wait. May not seem like a big deal but like I say, its our first ever family holiday, and the day before we are getting married!! Can't call it a honeymoon with 3 children and a dog in tow I guess

Anyway, DP is very close to his mum and it has caused "issues" before. She's on her own, but he does have 2 brothers living locally and a sister too. Anyway, cut to the point - she broke her wrist 2 weeks ago, its still causing her pain etc and I feel very sorry for her. We are helping out as much as poss, well when I say "we" I mean DP, me and his sister, the other 2 brothers have been a freaking waste of space and basically done sod all to help their mum.

I just know that DP is going to ask if his mum can come away with us, and much as I like her I don't want her too.

Am I being unreasonable? Can't the other 2 brothers pull their sodding fingers out and help their mum for the week we are away? Its our first ever holiday and I just want it to be "us" (DP works 6 days a week, runs his own business, doesn't get paid time off so its not something we can do regularly)

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 05/08/2010 13:43

Well, YANBU to think that the other siblings can manage without you.

But, your DP (soon to be H!) hasn't even said anything yet about your MIL coming. Give the guy a chance

HettiesMum · 05/08/2010 13:46

YANBU. Organise a rota for your ILs to help mum and go on holiday. Even with three children and a dog, it will still be a honeymoon and your family time together is precious. Act quickly ....

thumbwitch · 05/08/2010 13:46

No YANreallyBU to not want her to come, tbh - but if she is going to be left in the lurch and he does ask her, you probably should take it with good grace. It might work out ok for you - she might be able to babysit the DC for a night to let you and your DH go out for dinner by yourselves.

Say to him that you would prefer it if this was just your nuclear family before the whole situation gets beyond redemption.

StayFrosty · 05/08/2010 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

4boysthatilove · 05/08/2010 13:47

LOL Alibaba ....

Big hints have been dropped already, I have pretended not to notice them so far but feel its just a matter of time before he asks me outright! I love him to bits and I get on really well with his mum, but I just don't want her on holiday with us for a week, is that bad?

OP posts:

Wordsonascreen · 05/08/2010 13:47

where are you staying most places (rental cottages etc) won't accept an extra person without notice and possibly extra money anyway

Original poster

4boysthatilove · 05/08/2010 13:49

wordsonascreen - Its a large cottage, with plenty of room for all of us - there is a spare room so she could be accommodated!

OP posts:

Julezboo · 05/08/2010 13:49

Oh god YADNBU!

Don't do it! Get that rota in place now.

We took MIL with us at the beginning of July, first big family holiday, it was ruined half way through after me and her had a huge row and she hid in her room for the rest of the time crying and I felt like the big bad bitch.

Never. Again.

Wordsonascreen · 05/08/2010 13:50

no its not bad

mil (after fil died) came on holiday with us 3 years running and although i tried to be the bigger person I did resent it.

[and felt a total cow]

SalFresco · 05/08/2010 13:50

No it's not bad - I love my mum and wouldn't want to go on holiday with her for a week, although she has come and visited us for the day on holiday before. I wouldn't mind even MIL coming for the day, but not for the week! His siblings should be organising how they are going to help out when you're away, rather than relying on you to take her on your holiday!

Original poster

4boysthatilove · 05/08/2010 13:50

Thumbwitch - she wouldn't be able to babysit, normally she does but with a broken wrist she can't manage as 2 of my children are littlies. I have said a couple of times in a bright and breezy voice "I can't wait until we go away, won't it be lovely to have some time, just us as a family" that sort of thing!!

OP posts:

sanielle · 05/08/2010 13:52

YANBU IT IS YOUR HONEYMOOON! I mean eugh. Why woudl he even want her there?

Actually if she is a bit bored hwile you are on holiday? Maybe leave the kids with her too?

To help her out of course

YellowDaffodil · 05/08/2010 13:56

I love my MIL but it was a flat out no when my DH suggested we take her and FIL on holiday with us.

We have booked a lovely Villa and would have room but we need time together which we will not get if they come along.

SO YANBU - just keep saying no and if DP asks why you could tell him some of things you plan to do to him when the DCs are in bed and point out that with MIL around the most action he'll get all week is the dog on his leg! Simple but effective persuasion technique I find.

Wordsonascreen · 05/08/2010 13:57

Gawd this is ringing so many alarm bells

Every holiday we took she strongly hinted she wanted to go i've always wanted to go there" even getting brochures on nearby hotels and leaving them on her coffee table(even weekends away with friends FFS were a struggle)
We comprimised on one week per year (and I took solace in gin for the entire time)

StayFrosty · 05/08/2010 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wordsonascreen · 05/08/2010 13:58

Don't set the prescedent.

ZombiePlanB · 05/08/2010 14:01

I think you need to plan your reasons for when he does ask you.

Say how you REALLY understand that he wants her to come. And you wish she could too, and if you had more holidays it wouldn't be a problem. But as this is your FIRST one, you don't want to share him with anyone else.

(optional eyebrow wiggle)

And that you have such a good relationship with his mother it would be a shame to spoil it if something went wrong on holiday. Because you have to look after someone else when you are meant to be on holiday.

Draw up a rota now as well. Put in useless 2 brothers to and ask why they can't 'step up' for a week.

Good luck! I hope it works out!

GeekOfTheWeek · 05/08/2010 14:45

YANBU.

No reason why she has to go with you.

Its a broken wrist not a bilateral amputation.

Petal02 · 05/08/2010 14:59

It's not like she's had a triple heart bypass. How would he feel if YOU wanted to bring YOUR mother on holiday??

fedupofnamechanging · 05/08/2010 17:00

She's only got a broken wrist! My DH would get a resounding NO if he suggested this. I would discuss this with him now, before he discusses it with his mother and then presents you with a done deal. It is your first holiday and your honeymoon, so definitely no place for a MIL to be. Nip it in the bud now.

Congratulations on our marriage btw

lucasnorth · 05/08/2010 17:07

Agree with the general consensus. YANBU.

A way to broach the subject might be along the lines of 'I'm worried how your Mum will cope when we're away, so let's get in touch with your siblings and arrange a rota...' As someone said, worst option would be for them to discuss it and present it to you as already agreed...

Good luck!

pjmama · 05/08/2010 17:12

I agree that a pre-emptive strike is the way forward!

Contact all DH siblings, tell them when you're away and suggest that they sort out a rota between themselves for who is helping MIL out on which days - offer to do it for them if they prefer. Then tell MIL that this is what is happening. Make it clear to all concerned that you and DP are going on holiday and will be unequivocably unavailable for that week.

Job done!

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