To think my mum could at least try to show a bit of interest in OUR lives?

[ForestryTrees]

I called my mum this morning. First thing she said was "oh, Hi ... I'm just getting ready to go out"

She then quickly started going on about all her problems without giving me the chance to speak at all and then after 10 minutes of going on about all the stuff in her life she said "well, I better be going ... "

She does this all the time though, never shows a shred of interest in anything I'm doing. I'm currently going through a break up, trying to get into university, have a child with SN, had a job interview yesterday (which she never asked about) yet she's just not interested. She rattles on about her own life and her own problems and never thinks to ask me how I'm doing.

Sometimes she'll rattle on for 20 minutes or so and then as soon as I start to speak about stuff that effects us she'll either change the subject, rush off the phone or make it obvious that she's not listening - eg. "I'm taking DS to cinema today"
"umm ... yeah ... umm ... so umm ... you staying in all day today then or are you going out somewhere?"

I just don't know why I bother half the time.

She sounds like my mum.

Does she live on her own? My mum used to do this? She had stored up all the things she wanted to say and when someone rang, it just all came out.

Also if she's old, they do seem to get a bit self-centred.

Plus if my mum disapproved of something I was doing, she pretended it wasn't happening and refused to comment on it. It was really irritating.

I always envied those people who have mums they can actually talk to.

I swear we're related.

Well since 1975 when I left home at age 12 to go to boarding my mother has come to see me either at school or university or at our house a grand total of ....wait for it .... 8 times. In the last 25 years she has come to see me twice (my graduation and to our wedding).

She has never been to our house and I have invited her many times. We speak on the phone about 4 times a year and she often seems like she is not listening.

Not sure what to do about it.

Blimey BeenBeta. That is so sad.

My mother never showed any interest in me whatsoever, i always thought that if there was a list of 50 people which she knew, and she had to order them into priority of importance, I would be at the bottom of the list.

I gave up with her in the end.

My Mum's very similar to how you describe yours to be Forestry. Tried to tell her we were having a baby and it took a few attempts as she'd dominate the phone conversation with things like 'Yes I've been very busy watering the plants' or 'we've decided to get a new radiator fitted in the downstairs loo' 'Got to go now'. Yes mother, but I want to tell you about your FIRST GRANDCHILD!!!! It's so frustrating isn't it?! TBH I just get on with it now and let it wash over me when I get told off for not telling her things - I tried, she wasn't listening, tough.

If it does bother you though, perhaps you could write her a note or a card explaining how you feel. At least she can't cut into the middle of that!

GetOrf - any idea why yours showed a lack of interest?

Oh well, at least it makes our emigration decision easier. I bet we would speak more often if we do. She might even get on a plane and come and see us.

My MIL is a bit like this. I think she does care, but she doesn't really have anyone else who'll listen to her and she's never mastered the art of 'showing an interest' in what matters to other people. Is she better if you ask her to do things than to listen? MIL will help people out by cooking or childminding or other practical things. She's just not good at being a passive shoulder to lean on.

How did your interview go?

Mum didn't raise me, she left me with her mother and didn't want to know.

Got to know her when I was 17. To be honest I don't think you can make up for lost time, I was desperate for a mother, but frankly she wasn't that fussed, and it was a one-way street.

How about you - why is your mother so distant? Is she a cold person in general?

It used to be heartbreaking, now I just shrug, frankly. Or don't think about it, that is probably closer to the truth.

The thought of behaving in teh same way towards my daughter makes my blood run cold.

My mum's like this too. She's always there if I need practical help with the kids or me and dh. But she just doesn't do small talk, or any emotional support. I went for a CT scan last year as I was having constant headaches and 3 months later she said, "oh I never asked you the result did I?" I thought "NO you bloody didn't! Just as well I don't have a brain tumour eh?!" Yet if I asked her to do something for me, she would without hesitation. Some people can't talk comfortably it seems!

My mum's like that, and to be honest, I find it hilarious. I'm playing a game with myself as to how long I can go on the phone without saying a word.

I do stop her and firmly tell her about things that she should be interested in if I want to talk: "No, mum, I was telling you about X. Now, X ..."

GetOrf - dont know really. She is no better with my sisters. She had a troubled childhood and finds it difficult to connect emotionally to anyone. I think.

My mum's like that too. If I call her I get a list of all the household chores she's done, the office politics at work etc, etc and she never asks how I am, even when pregnant. I had a bit of trouble conceieving DD1 and had a few MC along the way and when at last we were preganant and I told her she said "oh you won't be able to lift boxes when I move" and then "I'm looking forward to seeing you get fat". I asked if she was pleased for us and she said "that goes without saying, darling" - well apparently it does. I had a similar reaction to the news of DC 2. She never came to single parents' eve when I was a kid and told all her friends I wanted to study law (which wasn't true) and then when I went to Uni (to study drama) she told all her friends I was studying English Lit. Never quite worked out if it was because she was ashamed of what I was doing or that she never actually listened to me.

When my brother and I were children she used to tell him that she loved him the most. I never knew that till we were in our 20s and he told me. He feels suffocated by her and avoids her. I once tried to explain how she makes me feel - very bad idea, very bad. She still didn't listen and our relationship has never recovered from it. She hates confrontation, just makes asumptions and alligations but won't stick around to hear what anyone else has to say. I try and maintain a relationship with her but it is not a postive one. I always know when I'm being a bit self-pitying as I start wondering what it be like if my mum was different. So anyway, probably being a bit self wallowing now - blame the hormones DC2 due in 7 days. No one's perfect and we just have to not make the same mistakes as our mums, we can make brand new ones. x

I get all mines woes plus updates on all their neighbours (who I don't know although they are convinced I do) and a list of who has died been in hospital - makes me wonder why I bother to phone sometimes!

Forestry Trees you said you don't know why you bother half the time, well maybe you could think about that?

Why do you bother? Sounds like you get nothing from the relationship. Poor you. Good luck.

Your Mum sounds like my Dad.
The thing is, he does have big things going on, so I call him to enquire about them, I am interested, he's my Dad, but he's never interested in me, never.

I was in intensive care earlier this year.
He still hasn't called me, it's all me calling him, and I resent it.
He almost accused me of trying to steal from him when I tried to help him!

I excuse him as he's old, but it's not really an excuse, it's my way of coping with it.

It's DD's birthday soon, he'll ask what she wants, she wants money, but I was going to say Amazon vouchers as he'll be huffy if I say money.

Every year (DD will be 9), he's asked and I've said X toy, or Y clothes, and he's given her..........money!