to expect DH to kiss the DCs goodnight?

[undercovamutha]

Background: DH is a DIY enthusiast, I am not. We (or rather DH) have done quite a few big projects, most before we had the DCs, but a large project which finished just before DC2 was born.

These projects always make us argue, even more so since arrival of DCs. DH gets all stroppy about things, starts ranting about how hard he is working, about how he needs support not stress from me etc etc. On the other hand, I find the whole thing (the mess, the lack of help with DCs, the general disruption) totally tiresome, and it makes me quite narky too.

Anyway, DH has started this new project this week. Tonight was the first weeknight he was working on it, and we agreed that I would totally sort DCs out and then get dinner ready so DH could get on with things. DH comes home, spares the odd word for the DCs, gets changed and goes straight outside to start work.

I prepare myself for being a good wife. Feed kids, bath kids, stories etc etc, also cook dinner for DH and I. Before taking the kids for their bath, I asked DH if he would like to kiss them goodnight whilst they were still downstairs, or later before they went to bed (knowing he was likely to be busy). He basically ignored me, so I presumed the latter.

Anyway, kids waited 20 minutes for DH to come in and kiss them. He was in a foul mood when he did. Accused me of preventing him from getting anything done, as I was calling him into the house constantly (ie. ONCE!). He has now informed me that it will not be 'feasible' to kiss the kids goodnight whilst he is working. And apparently even if I bring them to the back-door, he will be too busy to walk over to kiss them. When I protested that this sounded a bit much, he started ranting about me being the reason why he can never get any work done, with my constant demands.

AIBU to think DH is being a total arse, and that it wouldn't hurt him to walk 10 metres to kiss his kids goodnight?

YANBU. Poor DDs.

YANBU, tbh I think that if I were in your shoes, not only would my DP be making his own food, I would also be considering locking him out of the house, how can anyone prioritise DIY over DC ????

I know. I am furious. He has such an ability to compartmentalise things. Its like he just switches off the 'family' setting, and moves onto 'work' setting. Some of us are actually capable of multi-tasking. The arse. Grr!

Aw its hardly a demand to kiss you wee ones night night surely?

So YA def NBU

Your husband is behaving like a self centerd twat and i pity your children growing up knowing what they are worth to their father. Id kick his arse into gear before real damage is done.

I'm not going to let this lie. I think it is totally unacceptable. I know it is difficult for him to stop what he's doing, when he's filthy, the cement's going off, there are tools everywhere, but tough tbh!

I've offered to compromise and bring the kids to the back door, and even that's not good enough. He is just digging his heels in and acting really f-ing self-important.

My dh is fixing up his classic car, he takes the kids (toddlers into everything) with him. It takes ten times longer, they drive him crazy, but he wants them with him. Just the same as me trying to cook dinner with them round my feet, its a bit of a pain but tough. He needs to look at his priorities i think

YABU

I would expect him to put them to bed not just a measley kiss!

I don't mind doing the bathtime and teatime. In reality they have tea before DH comes home anyway. DH normally does bathtime, whilst I cook tea, but I don't think its fair for him to come home after a full day at work + commute, and then build a garage for hours (which obviously benefits all of us) as well as bath the kids. (plus back garden not safe for 16mo DS as it is full of ditches and holes)

However, I do think he could spare them a kiss ffs!

My friends husband is like this - he's a highly qualified engineer in a highly thought of and paid position - but fark, he is useless with anything emotional - absolutely useless. When he's doing DIY he's so full of his self-importance - he's bloody unbearable.... he also has no time for his kids when he's doing it, nor the sense of what is ok to do when they are in bed and what isn't (ie bash down the wall in the room next door and wonder why it wakes them up

My friend is a saint - I would have burried him in the footings of their first extension myself!!

I don't know what the answer is - but I can lend you my steel capped boots if you want to give that a go!!

(not sure which emotion wins here!)

jeez, my DH can't even leave the house without a kiss and cuddle from his 3 favourite people!

Sounds like he is Bipolar. Get out - these people screw up everyone!

I think that's pretty fucked up. YANBU

YANBU
Do you agree on the jobs that he is going to do before he starts or does he do them whether you approve or not?

How old are your DC? It is very hurtful for them to feel so unloved by their father, can he not see that?

The man is a total and complete tosser. NOTHING in life is so important that you can't kiss your kids goodnight. Tell him to sort out his priorities or DIY himself somewhere else to live.

When your dh comes home from his regular job, couldn't he spend a couple of minutes with the kids then? (if that is possible). They won't think they are unimportant to him or feel unloved, because he is working on a big and messy job outside. If in the middle of heavy construction, involving cement and pipes and things, it is not always possible. That is why I'd try and spend a couple of minutes with them before I began on it each evening.

(If I were in his shoes, that was how I was trying to see it)