Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to have shouted at this old man?

50 replies

littlemefi · 03/08/2010 13:32

Was in supermarket with dd, nearly 1 in the trolley, and kept nearly running into an old man with a trolley who was shopping in the fruit and veg aisle at the same time as us.
He seemed to be stopping next to all the frit and veg that I needed, and then one or other of us would go to move off, and nearly bump into the other.
I was polite and a couple of times said " after you" to let him move on before me.
The last time we both went to go and he glared at me and said in a nasty tone " why don't you just go home?!!"
I said "what do you mean?" as I had never actually bumped into him (or him into me either), and he said " you keep getting in my way", so I said "I'm just doing my shopping, you are a horrible old man"!!

I feel a bit mean now, but I was trying to be polite and let him go before me earlier, and he was so churlish, he made me shout!!
Arrrggghhh!

OP posts:

blueberrysmoothie · 03/08/2010 19:31

Sorry, I think YABU. Maybe he isn't used to shopping alone and finds it difficult. Or maybe he has the early stages of dementia or is just lonely and is losing touch with the social niceties. Yes, he was rude, but it doesn't mean you have to be. And I know your DD is very small, but as she grows older do you really want her to hear you being rude to strangers, especially the elderly?

lazarusb · 03/08/2010 19:51

My Granddad thought he had every right to be rude (although he never was before my Nan died) he was very bitter. I could never get it through to him how offensive he was. I was always waiting for a phone call telling me someone had hit him.

ArthuriaAugustaDArcy · 03/08/2010 19:53

YABU. However much of a tosspot he was, your job is to set an example to your DD. What's going to stop her copying you?

Grockle · 03/08/2010 19:56

I agree with blueberrysmoothie, YABU

zeno · 03/08/2010 20:29

Yabu - label the behaviour, not the child old man.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 03/08/2010 20:51

Am actually feeling slightly sorry for the old man now, since he did say "why don't you go home", which is a bit sad and pathetic as a challenge really...

Original poster

littlemefi · 03/08/2010 21:09

Actually, now I have calmed down, I do feel a bit shamefaced !
The OP is right, maybe he was in pain or something? Think he caught me on a bad day, as I said earlier, normally I am polite and wouldn't have bit back quite so easily!
Next time (hope there won't be a next time!) I will try to bite my tongue

OP posts:

chasingrainbows · 03/08/2010 22:56

SloanyPony I love your style. Next time someone is rude to me I will remember your words.
When my kids were 4, 3 and a couple weeks old I was waiting for a lift in john lewis and was told to f* off home by a pensioner. Was horrified. Went home. Cried.

jakiD · 03/08/2010 23:07

Well Done! I think you handled the situation perfectly Although I bet you avoid the old git next time if you happen to see him there again.

sparkle12mar08 · 04/08/2010 08:18

I once accidentally clipped the heels of an elderly man with the wheels of my buggy. It was totally my fault and I was mortified. I apologised profusely and sincerely. He simply glared at me, and started shouting at me about paying more attention etc. I accepted that - the incident was my fault. But it went on and on, and in the end I curtly replied 'I have apologised you know, and it was genuine so you could at least accept it with good grace and let us all move on'. I know I shouldn't have, but it just came out. Anyway, later on in the store the man approached me again and I thought he was going to have a go, but he actually came up to apologise for carrying on and explained why he's reacted the way he did. Suffice to say we then had a lovely chat and I think that little bit of human interaction, even though it stemmed from something not very nice, made his day.

I've babbled, but I think my point is that not all older people are curmudgeonly, and even a sharp retort doesn't have to be personal or insulting.

slug · 04/08/2010 09:24

I feel your pain. I was once in an antique/junk shop, hugely pregnant. An old man was hovering around the china, hemming me into a corner. There wasn't enough room for both me and my bump to get past him without damaging a large amount of overpriced china so I waited a while for him to move. When it became evident he wasn't going to budge I politely said "excuse me" There was no response. I asked a bit louder "Excuse me, can I get past please?" Again no response. I then p[ractically shouted it (my sister who was at the other end of the shop looked up and laughed at my authoritive teacher voice) There was still no response, so I touched him on the arm and asked again. He started shouting at me "I'm blind!!" "Don't shove me!!" I was left there looking like a hugely pregnant twat. He ranted on and on about how rude young people were these days while I was still pinned in the corner.

Jeeze, if he was blind then his long distance vision was much better than mine, he could read the price tags on the china without the need for reading glasses, unlike me.

Jugglers · 04/08/2010 09:29

ChasingRainbows, did he say it to you as a racist insult or did he just think that you shouldn't be out?

Having said that, I feel like saying it to all people who shop on Saturday when they quite patently don't work (e.g. pensioners). My MIL is a case in point - insists on cluttering up the shops on a Saturday (and then complains about how busy it is - no sh^t, Sherlock!)

OrmRenewed · 04/08/2010 10:18

sparkle - "I know I shouldn't have, but it just came out". Yes you should. You weren't rude and insulting at all. And he came back and apologised so a perfect conclusion all round.

ColdComfortFarm · 04/08/2010 13:39

If my grandad went about being shockingly rude to women in supermarkets, I would think it would do him good to be put in his place! As it was, despite often being in pain, he would never have behaved like this.

RustyBear · 04/08/2010 14:12

The only time my dad can get to the supermarket is when his neighbour takes him in her lunch hour, or when I or one of my brothers are there at the weekend.

I know from my dad what it's like to be in a supermarket when you are getting older - everything is a bit slowed down, you may be able to see & hear things, but it takes longer to process them, and your reactions are slower. To a person with normal reactions, if someone 'keeps nearly running into you', you just step back to avoid them - it may be annoying, but even with a trolley with a baby in, it's no more than that. But for someone like my dad, if he sees someone coming towards him with a trolley, first of all it may take him longer to register the fact, then he has to try to work out which way they are going, then try to step out of the way without losing his balance - not as easy as it used to be.

Add to this the worry of what might happen if a trolley, or even someone's foot, did hit him - with thinner skin and weaker circulation, a minor bump that wouldn't even break the skin on a younger person can tear the fragile skin of an older person, leading to a nasty wound that can take weeks to heal. Or if he tried to step back and fell, a broken hip could put him in hospital for weeks, or even kill him.

If he had to react to that situation 'several times' it's no wonder an elderly person got a bit tetchy and maybe just came out with the first thing that came into his head.

Many old people just give up going out at all, but keeping his independence is very important to my dad (it's why he won't come to live with us, despite repeated invitations) and according to his doctor, the fact that he still manages to keep relatively active is the reason he's made it to 100.

Even if you are terribly busy, would it actually hurt you to give a little more time and space to an elderly person?

Tortington · 04/08/2010 14:15

in these situations i find its much better to blow them a kiss and mouth ' i LOVE you' and wwalk on.

usually takes the wind right out of their sails.

ColdComfortFarm · 04/08/2010 14:17

Blimey the poor OP kept saying 'after you' to the nasty bloke and making way for him. She is absolutely not in the wrong. My poor old MIL had a variety of chronic illnesses, had limited mobility and was in pretty much constant pain and I never once heard her be rude to anyone.

NarkyPuffin · 04/08/2010 14:25

Being old is not an excuse for being a bastard. Some people are arseholes - young, old, male, female.

PMSL at the 'what if it was your granddad'.
If he was that rude he'd deserve to be told.

RustyBear · 04/08/2010 14:28

You can't assume that an elderly person would have heard the 'after you' in a noisy supermarket.

I'm not saying the elderly man wasn't rude,I think they both were, but I think the OP had less excuse for it.

NarkyPuffin · 04/08/2010 14:36

My GMIL was taken out twice by muppety ASDA staff doing internet shops- high packed trolley full of boxes, tiny lady. She was lovely about it, even though she had a right to be very pissed off. She has osteoporosis and chronic pain.

Age doesn't grant you a free pass. If the OP had been moaning about how long it took the man to pick up his veg or pack his shopping that would be unreasonable. People get in each others way all the time in the supermarket and there's no excuse to be shitty about it.

Personally I'd have stuck to something like, "How Grumpy that man is!" to DD. But he was being a horrible old man.

haoshiji · 04/08/2010 14:42

trainsetter "All those people who think saying "you are a horrible old man" is fine, how would you feel if he was your grandad? "

I'd be fucking surprised he's been dead 15 years.

But. If he was alive. And the op had just gone up to him and said he was a grumpy old shit then that would be off but as he insulted her to start with he was inviting recoil surely?

In the split second the OP had to think about it that's quite restrained I think.

If it was a 12 year old not an old man and the OP said 'you grumpy young man' would that have made any difference?

I had a situation last year where I was waiting for a parking space; I had been round and round and round - no spaces but I could then see a lady walking towards the car with the trolley. I gestured are you going she gave me the 'thumbs up' so I pulled towards the space and waited. A car came round the corner of the top of the car park about 12 car lengths away. I was clearly aiming for the space, indicator on etc. The old dear (yes old dear) started waving at the woman with the trolley as she was putting the bags in the boot. She ignored her; got in the car and started to reverse out the space towards her car. She moved towards the reversing car. I waited for the pulling out car to get a bit clear and pulled in the space the old dear pulled towards me at a tight angle, beeped the horn, then reversed (nearly hitting a pedestrian). I got out and went to buy a ticket, she stopped in the middle of the road and got out, walked up to me and said -

"You are disgusting! I have been waiting 20 minutes for a space, I was here before you! How dare you, I hope something horrible happens to you and you have a terrible day!"

Now, I did not see her car at all when I went around the (one level) car park three times so I do not think she was there before me, she came to the space after me and got in a huff and nearly caused two accidents.

I could have said "Go fuck yourself or Imagine waking up with your face in a tramps crapping arse or I hope you crash and never get out of the wreckage you horrible old bastard."

Instead I just said "Have a nice day".

She walked off muttering in to her shoes and that was that.

If I had been PG at the time she would probably have gotten the full wrath.

haoshiji · 04/08/2010 14:48

Should add that I have had a number of situations like the op in supermarkets with people of all ages and most religions; I tend to go to another part of the shop and get what I need and come back to the busy area after that to avoid the 'after you, no after you'...

Zondra · 04/08/2010 14:54

Op yanbu.

He was a horrible arsehole to you & I think you were actually restrained!

ppeatfruit · 04/08/2010 15:12

Yes Yes Yes 2kids2dogs... NYUANBU OP

minipie · 04/08/2010 15:23

Weeell. I don't think YWBU at all to tell him he was being horrible - he was.

But would have been better if you'd left "old" out.

It's a bit like the difference between "how dare you say that, you rude bitch" and "how dare you say that, you rude fat bitch".

Flip

1 2