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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding list woes

21 replies

Porcelain · 03/08/2010 12:21

I am pretty sure I am BU, but I need to get this off my chest because it annoys me!

We have a very tight limit on numbers for our wedding in October, we have a lot of people we want to invite, but we can't seat more than 80, so we had to be quite harsh on our list.

My "cut off" for my family was at siblings and nieces/nephews, but as my DP has no siblings, he has invited cousins and their children. DP's friends and family take up about 2/3 of the list, possibly because he is more social than me. We have both had to make big compromises, including a lot of less close friends/family not having a plus 1 or children invited (in cases when we do not know their partner, or they are not in a LTR). We sent out the first round of invitations with a deadline for RSVP so that we can send a second round out to our "reserve list" which includes many people we really would like there.

My DP got a phone call from his cousin a couple of days ago, telling him that her 2 daughters (note it is the mother calling here, not the girls themselves, this is how "close" they are, the girls are in their late teens/ early 20s I believe) would only come if they could have a plus one invite, which they didn't have because DP wasn't aware they had an OH. DP explained quite truthfully that we simply couldn't accommodate the numbers, but offered to include their plus ones on the reserve list, so they would get invited as long as we have the space via refusals.

This really annoys me because:
a) I find it really cheeky that someone can say they only want to be present for a member of their family's wedding under certain conditions. Either you want to participate or not, the presence of the boyfriend who is a complete stranger to the couple shouldn't be a deciding factor.
I can understand the request for an invite, but I think saying "we will only come if they can" is really petulant. We are offering them the chance to take part in a huge occasion in our life, and have £30+ a head of free food and drink on us FGS.
b) NONE of my cousins, let alone cousins-once-removed got invited, and my nieces and nephews didn't get plus-ones.
c) I resent the fact that 2 of our actual friends from the reserve list will have to miss out for the sake of people we have never met.

Ultimately I have left it up to DP to deal with, as it is his family. But it really does irritate me, and if it were my decision I would be inclined to decide they really can't be that concerned about the wedding and not provide the partner places, thus freeing up 4 spaces for people who actually care about us.

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 03/08/2010 12:27

I honeastly dont understand why you dont have cheaper wedding venue/menu/buffet/ensemble and then you can invite EVERYONE

they are being cheeky though, just say NO and invite true friends instead

this is why I am NEVER having a big wedding

Oldjolyon · 03/08/2010 12:30

So you've never met these +1?

In that case, I'd call their bluff as I'd assume in this case:

Either your Dh is close to these relatives, so the partners are not long term partners

Your DH is not close to these relatives, so that he has not seen them in a long time?

In which case, I'd be inclined to stand ground, say you can't accommodate and you fully understand if they choose not to come. I wouldn't choose somebody I've never met over a good friend coming to my wedding unless it was the long term partner of someone close to me. As this does not seem to be the case, I wouldn't give them a precious place,

Although... if you are able to accommodate them for the evening do, that may be an acceptable compromise?

going · 03/08/2010 12:31

I uunderstand why you are so annoyed, they should not be putting conditions on thier acceptance of your invitation.

Also wonder why you aren't having a larger/cheaper per head wedding with all of the guests you want there.

bedubabe · 03/08/2010 12:36

Say they're on the reserve list but give any spaces that come up your friend's first. They're not to know are they

ViveLaFrak · 03/08/2010 12:39

I would say no way and fully agree with Oldjolyon's reasoning...

ethelina · 03/08/2010 12:42

Have the wedding you want, with the people you want there. If you piss anyone off tell them to organise their own wedding for their own benefit...

OK waiting for my flaming now.

Original poster

Porcelain · 03/08/2010 12:43

We are keeping the wedding as cheap as we can whilst still having what we want. Our budget for venue and food is less than £2000. We are not having a wedding breakfast, but a hog roast and salad bar which is about £15 a head, but then there is drink and nibbles for early in the afternoon, so it adds up. We are having the ceremony at 3pm to avoid the need for extra catering and entertainment. We aren't having a separate evening do, it's all in the same location, the service will run into drinks and nibbles then food at 6 and partying after. We didn't like the idea of inviting people just for the evening as we felt the whole point of the day was the marriage, and besides the capacity for the location only goes up to 100 without seating.

It's not that we wanted a big wedding anyhow, we wanted it as intimate as we could get it whilst including the people we care about (and who care about us) which is probably why this is bothering me. The obligation to invite some people over others because of "family ties" when you prefer the company of the friends is something I really dislike.

I should also add that last year we had our "uncivil wedding" which was not a legally recognised ceremony. The invitations for that were open to anyone who wanted to come (none of DPs family did), and the party afterwards was in a pub with bring your own food. It was awesome and a lot of fun. This helped in reducing the list because we felt better about cutting some of the friends because they had been to that.

OP posts:

HavingAnOffDAy · 03/08/2010 12:44

YANBU. It's your wedding & you should be able to invite/not invite who you want, to celebrate with you, whatever the reasons (space/budget etc)

Putting a condition on accepting an invitation is very unreasonable, and IMO detracts from the spirit in which it was extended.

If your DH has explained the reasons then I'd leave it at that, wait until you get their RSVP and if they can't attend, reissue the invite to someone you'd really like to be there.

Congratulations & enjoy your day!

Original poster

Porcelain · 03/08/2010 12:45

Oh Ethelina, I really wish I could do that! I sometimes wonder whether I am doing this more for my mother than anyone else! But that is another story.

OP posts:

LadyBiscuit · 03/08/2010 12:48

I never got to take an unknown +1 to any of my cousins' weddings and would have been mortified if my mother had called to insist.

Stick to your guns - don't blame you for being annoyed. And put them at the very bottom of the reserve list. On the plus side, if they don't come, that's more friends

FakePlasticTrees · 03/08/2010 12:53

Agree - put them on the reserve list - but right at the bottom of it!

I wanted a small wedding, and limited +1's. If they don't want to go, even better - they obviously don't care enough and you get to invite someone you do care about.

alarkaspree · 03/08/2010 12:55

YANBU. Not at all. But no point in letting it annoy you, put the cousins' plus ones right at the bottom of the reserve list and invite them only if you get down there. If they don't come, their loss.

ethelina · 03/08/2010 13:01

I know, its easier said than done, thats why its good to come on here and let rip about the things you wish you could do something about, rather than winding up your family. But while you will have to compromise for some of this, just please make sure the fundamentals stay as you want them.

You only do this day once, remember it for all the great things, and the great people you choose to invite cos they're worth it.
All these guests will just remember this as another wedding they went to once, it will stick in your mind forever as one of the best days of your life.

Do It Right, for both of you.

And bollocks to everyone else.

LucyLouLou · 03/08/2010 13:11

YANBU, not at all. There was a similar issue with a friend of mine who go married last year. They had limited seating for the reception and were forced to say no to plus ones for that reason, and also the fact that I believe the budget stretched to £45 a head in the end and they didn't (understandably) want to shell out this much for people they didn't know. One of the invitees (a friend of mine as well as the couple) kicked up a tantrum because her boyfriend wasn't invited (he did not know the couple and I don't believe it was a LTR at the time). The bride and groom said if the boyfriend would like to come to the evening party, he was welcome to, but they were firm on the no plus ones to the sit down meal. She threw an even bigger tantrum because another friend did get to bring her boyfriend, but he was a close friend of the couple himself.

Anyway, long story short, the immaturity of the invitee ended with her not attending the wedding at all, not evening the evening party, and I don't think she has had much to do with the couple since then (no arguments, just not much contact).

If you have guests who are being as silly as that, I would put my foot down from the beginning and say that partners are not invited unless you know them. If they throw a wobbly because of it, that's their decision and hopefully at some point, they will realise how childish they are and come round. In the meantime, the bottom line is that it is your wedding and you can invite who you want. End of.

PiggyMad · 03/08/2010 13:11

How bloody cheeky!
We're only having 15 guests (parents, siblings, one or two friends each) at our ceremony and meal then everyone to the evening do, which has actually worked out easier as people don't expect to come knowing that no-one else is iykwim. Didn't want a big do with people I hardly know watching me do something so private and intimate (to us, anyway, know it isn't the same for everyone). It's so hard to decide where the 'cut off' point is too.
Hope they don't come

Mibby · 03/08/2010 13:39

We had about 20 to the Registry office and about 80 to the reception which started straight after, with a BBQ/ buffet type thing rather than a formal sit down.

We had a lot of friends and only parents/ grandparents from the families exactly because we wanted people who knew and cared about us rather than 90% of the list being family we hardly ever, or never, see.

We did have some sulks and tantrums from people who expected an invite but we came up with the answer 'we're not inviting anyone who couldn't get themselves to our house unaided' as most of the relatives have never visited/ get the address wrong on cards/ send cards to parents to pass on etc. I don't think it went down too well but two of the uninvited didn't even have our phone number to ring us and complain which we thought was very funny Sadly my Mum had to field these calls but she just said it was our day and she had no influence on the guest list

Chooks · 03/08/2010 13:42

TBH I've alwys thought it as standard that everyone you invite will bring someone along. I wouldn't particulary want to go to a wedding on my own.

Our venue could hold a maximum of 50 people, alot of people were cut, but every invite had a +1. Everyone else was invited to join us for a drink after (we didn't have a reception).

However this did mean that we had someone there that I'd rather wasn't IYSWIM, and also got a very prominent position in the group photo [grr]

putyoursocksON · 03/08/2010 13:43

We had exactly this. Sent the invite to the cousins' parents and had an irate phone call from DP's aunt because we'd not invited girlfriend and boyfriend of her kids...I had to give in in the end because of blatent emotional blackmail request from MIL but guess what? They all broke up and we've never seen either of them again...still rankles that friends who we wanted to come couldn't...ahh families.

InWithTheITCrowd · 03/08/2010 13:46

DH's cousin plus unknown 1 indeed! Sod 'em
You should invite the people you want to your wedding - and if folk have got conditions, that's very definitely their problem, not yours. Some people have got such brass necks! I would never dream of phoning and demanding an invite to a wedding for someone else. If I was invited even without my DH I would either go, or I wouldn't. Bride and groom's choice. Don't feel bad about it, OP - enjoy your day!

Original poster

Porcelain · 03/08/2010 14:09

Thanks ladies, I feel better now.

I don't think I would mind at all if they had got DP's number from their mum and rang saying "thanks for the invite, I'd love to come, but so would my partner, is there any chance you have space". I did just find out that one of them is actually married, which made me feel guilty for a moment, but then DP didn't know that which means he was never told she was getting married, let alone invited!

OP posts:

skidoodly · 03/08/2010 14:33

OP yanbu at all (except by letting this upset you) and are dealing with it in exactly the right way.

It is not expected that people should have the option of inviting someone else to your wedding should they choose. You and dp are the hosts (I assume) so you set the guestlist.

It is rude not to invite a spouse or live-in partner (or other long-term relationship). It is not rude to invite guests without long term partners alone.

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