To expect him to do just a little bit of something

[ChezzaB]

Ok so I really don't believe I.m being unreasonable but just want a rant! Here goes....

Have 2ds 2.4 and 11mo and work monday to Friday 7am to 1pm. DP works 3.30 to 11.30 pm Sunday to Thursday. Children go to nursery Tues to Friday 9 to 1.30pm. There's the background and here's the rant!

Every morning DS2 wakes at about 4.30, every morning it is me who has to get up as DP will wind down for 3hrs when he gets home so is "too tired"! DP gets up at about half 6 so I have race around to get ready for work! I come home pick up the children from nursery and then DP has to get ready for work!!!!! Children go to bed then I have to do the washing and the housework as this has not been done during the day while the kids are out! I could quite happily kill him!

He loves DS's loads and is a brilliant dad but I'm so angry with him atm! I have to ask him over and over just to do some hoovering! Can they be trained or am I just doomed!?!? I personally blame his mother for doing everything for him before! I guess to give him his dues he sometimes washes up! Any tips

The winding down after work thing isn't unreasonable of him, and it sounds like he then only has 4 hours sleep anyway, if he's up at half 6? Is he then going back to bed once the kids are gone, because that's not much sleep to live on? And is this why he's not doing housework?

Having said that, there should still be some time for him to do housework (unless my maths is that bad) so YANBU.

Sounds like you need a chat about who does what and when!

At 11 months, is there anything you can or would be willing to try regarding getting your DS2 to sleep a bit longer? Is there a nap to be dropped, a bedtime to be made later, or a mexican standoff to be done (an "attitude readjustment")! of what constitutes a reasonable time to start the day or do you feel he's still too young for this?

We have tried everything with DS2 putting him to bed later makes no difference be it 7pm or 9pm, maybe he will get better when the mornings "start"later in the winter! He only has 1 nap a day which I have tried adjusting also to on avail.I would love to just let him cry but this just upsets DS1 and I can only listen to it for so long! Im just hoping for the best with this as I don't really know what else to do!

As far as winding down for 3 hrs not being unreasonable I personally think it is, I get no time to wind down as I have to go to bed earlyish to get some sleep myself. During the day while the children are at nursery DP sits on the computer or plays stupid games on PS3. Maybe a chat would be the best thing to do! Cheers guys!

i think a bit of winding down time is fine. 3 hours is excessive

he needs to realise that he has a family and THEY come first. if he is unable to drag himself out of hbed in the morning then he needs to start going to bed earlier.

that's just the way it is.

he has the entire morning at home with no kids there.... he ought to be doing SOMETHING.

i would be going spare if i were you OP

I am going slowly mad, thisis, I ask him to do things and get accused of nagging (maybe I do a little) but I have t ask him over and over again as he doesn't do it! I sometimes feel like I have 3 children to clean up after!

He does a little bit of something - its called a full time night shift.

You do part time day work + kids + cleaning.

Sounds a fair trade.

He even throws in occasional dishwash to sweeten the deal.

You dont "need" time to wind down because you finish work at 1pm though. What I am saying is that you leave work (whether that be an office, shop, hospital, whatever) long before you have to go to sleep. Okay, so if you are doing housework right up to bedtime, yes, you could argue that you are not getting time to wind down, and that's fair enough. I suppose what i'm saying is that whether your DP "winds down" or goes to bed, it sounds like he wont sleep anyway, if he's just left the office/shop/hosptial/call centre. I used to be the same after doing overtime at work in the office - if I didn't leave till 1am, I'd be tired as could be, but I'd still have to sit watching TV or doing something mindless for a good couple of hours or I couldn't sleep, I'd be buzzing. Same with when I was at college which finished at 10pm - I'd always have to wait up till about midnight before going to bed, even though I had a young baby at the time and knew I'd probably be woken at 6pm.

So I'm not saying you shouldn't get this luxury too even though your "work" at that time of day is in the home - of course you should have a few hours after the kids are in bed to wind down and feel like you have a life. But I do also think your DP should have this time - he may not even have a choice in that if he did start going straight to bed, he'd probably lie awake having that time anyway and would be in no more of a position to get up early.

I suppose what I'm saying is you should both have it, not simply he shouldn't because you dont.

Can you clarify if he goes back to bed or if he is living on 4 hours sleep a night every night?

It seems to me that he should do a bit more in the day before he goes to work - perhaps between the hours of 1:30 and 3:30 when he starts work, so he can spend that child free time sleeping or dossing about if he must but once the kids are back, he should get at least an hour in of tasks, to take the burden off you, then on his "weekend" (those 2 days he doesn't work) put a lot more effort in to make up for only contributing an hour a day when he is working?

Or similar?

He shouldn't be "winding down" at the expense of you ever having any free time yourself, but I also think realisitcally if he's not finishing work till that late, going straight to bed instead of winding down will achieve little in terms of him not being "too tired" anyway...?

Woken at 6am, I meant, in my first paragraph.

Ah maybe 3 hours is excessive. Maybe he can cut it to 2, get to bed an hour earlier, get up an hour earlier and get an extra hour in where he contributes...

Yes his 'evening' is his wind down time
don't you wind down after the kids are in bed and he's at work?
Tbh you're working patterns sound so stressful, I'm guessing you're both in care of some sort?

Can you afford a cleaner?

When you look at your day (aside from cleaning cooking):

• you work 6 hours and does 6 hours of childcare - 12 hours.

• he works 8 hours and does 2 hours of childcare - 10 hours.

To balance it out he should be doing 2 hours of cleaning / cooking more than you etc each day.

Maybe drop one of the kids nursery days and get him to look after them to fund a cleaner? I know my DH would never do any cleaning no matter how much I nag. There is just no point. Maybe stop doing cooking / cleaning and see what happens because you need 3 hours after you put kids to bed to "wind down" before bed.

Doesnt work like that though MumNW

OP is doing part time. DH is doing fulltime night shift.

OP does the housework + kids as she has more free hours and they are at a social time.

OP doesnt want to do the housework? Take on more hours, so DH can do less and add hoovering to his responsibilites.

Crumbs I wouldn't work 3.30 pm to 11.30 pm and do two hours cleaning a day?!!
Give the poor guy a break
how much housework can there be with you all out most of the time!

Given that the H is in the house on his own for a few hours I would think it natural that he should look about himself and see what needs doing. Just putting a washing on or maybe a casserole in a slow cooker would help massively.
The trouble is that as the person available at busy times the op never stops.