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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to look at other women and wish my life was more like theirs?

70 replies

mumtoelliot · 02/08/2010 18:09

I am grateful for everything I have in my life, including my beautiful son, but sometimes I wish I could step into the shoes of a successful, gorgeous, social, yummy mummy.

Somebody I know is a mother of a similar age to me, she is recently happily married,happy in her job, has a fabulous house, car etc, has another baby on the way and always has a full social calender. to top it off, she is gorgeous and actually a really lovely person.

I saw her for the first time in ages today and i felt a bit depressed! in comparison, i ffelt like a frumpy failure.

OP posts:
MadameBelle · 02/08/2010 19:55

Don't judge a book by its cover. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors or in your friend's head.

I could be her - all yummy mummy criteria ticked off. But Shit, d'you what? It's all a front. And nobody knows. I plan my escape from my perfect life on a daily basis. Trapped on a treadmill with an emotionally abusive dh who is sapping the life blood from me. And nobody, but nobody knows.

colditz · 02/08/2010 19:56

Don't judge your insides on other people's outsides.

Mowgli1970 · 02/08/2010 20:02

You need to find the things in your life that you're thankful for. It's a complete cliche, but the grass isn't always greener. I used to feel like you (still do, sometimes) but you need to put it into perspective and change what you can.

Original poster
mumtoelliot · 02/08/2010 21:37

Thankyou for putting it all into perspective-I truly am blessed for what i have in my life. you are right - as long as i have my family and my health, i aint doin too badly!!

OP posts:
superv1xen · 02/08/2010 21:46

i sometimes feel like you.

i had no sleep last night because DD is teething. had to go in town today, i was looking and feeling like six shades of shite and my baby DD was throwing her bottle out of her buggy while her and my 4 year old were screaming in unison in a tired rage. i felt like doing the same...a gorgeous family breezed past me with perfect designer clothes and designer buggy and the, gorgeous, skinny mum looked down her nose at me and the kids as if i was something off jeremy kyle (which i probably looked like, to be fair) and i slunk away feeling even more shitty.

but do you know what, i love my life and wouldnt change it for anything...you never know whats really going on under the surface, these "perfect" people i saw today could have had all sorts of problems, you just never know.

zam72 · 02/08/2010 21:58

I can completely understand it and do it myself but YABU!

I was at a HV clinic with my DS a few years back who was just being a right tearaway handful of a toddler. This woman was waiting too with a gorgeous angel who did exactly as she said first time. I was almost in tears about how useless I obviously was at parenting in comparison. HV came out and started chatting to the woman - she burst into tears about how hard she was finding her child's behaviour at times. You just never know....grass is rarely greener, just different.

Heracles · 02/08/2010 23:39

Look around and see how many mothers are there whse lives you're grateful you're NOT living...

FellatioNelson · 03/08/2010 08:30

I get envious of other people too, even though I am aware that I have a great deal to be thankful for by most people's standards. Haivng said that, when I get jealous of two of my friends in particular, who I think have been very jammy and have fallen on their feet, I remind myself that that have both had serious health issues/worries with a child, and I wouldn't swap with them for anything.

noshouting · 03/08/2010 08:34

MadamBelle do you want to tell us about it? You sound really isolated. x

justonemorethen · 03/08/2010 08:51

Apparently this is a very real result of being around the "wrong" people. It's better for your happiness to be in the richest,best looking etc 10% within a community rather than be in a lovely community but be socially lower down.
It's not you it's them!

I also know what exactly what you mean. I know 2 really lovely women who are also pretty perfect. Having worked for them (and lived in their house), I also know they have pretty perfect lives too.I think the trick is they don't moan or complain...they just get on and do it. Too much work...I'd eat chocolate but they clean the house or catch up and work all night.

But you sound loved and she is your friend so you can't be that bad!

Morloth · 03/08/2010 09:42

The thing is there will always be someone better off than you and if you let it rule you it can really twist you up.

People on this thread are right though, money helps, it smooths the edges and softens the blows.

I have been broke and have been rich and I was the same person during both, rich is better, much much better.

PlanetEarth · 03/08/2010 10:04

I remember well the point at which I realised you shouldn't be jealous of other people's lives. I had a friend in a language class who seemed to have everything. She was beautiful (to the point where men fell at her feet), intelligent, and such a nice person that I couldn't even hate her for being so wonderful .

Then on my birthday a few of us, including her, went out for the evening after class. I found out later from other friends than when she got off the train home her husband was waiting for her, furious and violent, having been pacing the neighbourhood hunting for her because she was home late without his permission... .

passmyglassplease · 03/08/2010 10:42

I had the lovely house,

the two lovely dcs,

holidays abroad,

a full social calendar

in fact everything,

but I was miserable, only I didn't realise it until the ex fucked off!!!!

Now I am a single parent, just about making ends meet, with two happy lovely dcs and a lovely partner who sees me for what I am.

I am so much happier and I am so thankful now that the ex did leave, otherwise I would have never found happiness again.

The grass is always greener.........

sc13 · 03/08/2010 11:37

I think we all have moments like that. You are not being unreasonable, just very human, probably very tired and a bit depressed.

MostlyLurking · 03/08/2010 11:42

MadameBelle, you need to talk to someone, get some support.

ExitPursuedByABear · 03/08/2010 11:53

I don't think yabu as it is difficult sometimes not to feel a twinge of envy. I have family envy of a friend who has a big family, and all of whom have stayed in pretty much the same area - so she has cousins with children who have had children and she has four herself and her brother has two, so they have great big family christmases and get togethers. All our family have moved away from the area where we all grew up, there is only me here now so we rarely all get together. But, you just have to add up all the great things about your life and be thankful for those. At least my birthday and christmas present lists don't bankrupt me!

MrsC2010 · 03/08/2010 12:05

I don't envy anyone else's life as I'm very content, but I do look at others sometimes and envy their dress sense, figure or whathaveyou. Especially at the moment as I am 3 days overdue, running out of clothes I like and feeling like a whale!

Oblomov · 03/08/2010 12:13

jealous ? Envy, whats that ?

some people look really polished. I would like to be a bit more like thta. But i can't be bothered. I would like to earn a bit more, but we are o.k. I would like to look like Kelly Brook and Penelope Cruz. but I don't Ho hum.

Op, if you' re that bothered, you can easily make all most of those things happen. get up earlier and apply more slap. pay more attention to your clothes. invite people and couples round for coffee and dinner parties.
thats most of them dealt with.

TheProvincialLady · 03/08/2010 12:18

The richest, most beautiful, popular person I know is miserable. Suicidally miserable. I would not swap her life for mine for anything. You would never guess it if you knew her socially.

Sort your own life out if that's what you want, but don't waste it being jealous of something that probably isn't real anyway.

FindingMyMojo · 03/08/2010 12:22

If you insist on comparing yourself to others you will always be able to find those doing better (or appearing to anyway) and those doing 'worse'.

But COLDITZ said that much better than I did

Oblomov · 03/08/2010 12:34

jealousy does no one any good. get off your arse and make some of these things happen. No one would ever be jealous of me. i am totally ordinary. nothing to look at. But i am strugglin got come up with anyone i am jealous of.
you need to be happy with your lot. or make changes.
you need to do a bit of self examination. find out what you really want.
I did this before i was 16. i wanted a loving relationship. was all i ever wanted. took me until my late 20's, to get it. now nothing else matters.
work out what you want. then go get it.

sarah293 · 03/08/2010 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Oblomov · 03/08/2010 13:12

Riven, that comment applies to the majority. If something happens like having a very disabled child, or losing a child, or losing a partner. how can you be happy with your 'lot'.
but being jealous for petty reasons, is not the same thing.
many things can be changed. some can not.

blueshoes · 03/08/2010 13:23

Agree with justonemorethen.

EveWasFramed72 · 03/08/2010 13:32

Okay, here is the thing: How about CREATING the life you want? Why is everyone waiting for ncie things to happen to them?

Long story short: Moved to England 4 years ago (am American), because my DH is British.Gave up teaching to be home. HATED it for the first year. Had DS who was a baby, got pg with DD very quickly. No friends at all, no social life, home all day with babies. I was so depressed...after DD was born, I was sad, fat and generally miserable.

I didn't want to be like that anymore! I decided a career change would do me some good, so looked around for universities. Found one, got accepted, found work experience to do for a year before uni, lost 40 pounds, and pulled myself together MYSELF.

Now, I'm 3 weeks away from a master's degree, have a great job lined up, and I've got great friends.

We are TOTALLY broke from this experience, but I would rather be broke and happy than go back 4 years to well off and miserable.

Stop waiting for life to happen...you do have the capability to change at least one small thing for yourself.