to dump my so-called friends?

[vouvrey]

Have namechanged.

Friend number 1- I invited her round to mine sometime because we haven't met up for a few weeks. I've got 2 DCs, she has none so it's much easier for her to come to mine than the other way around. I still have her (expensive) birthday present from 4 months ago which she hasn't bothered coming rund to collect. Yesterday she said she was too busy with work to visit me at all. I had a miscarriage a couple of weeks ago and it would be nice to have a friendly chat. Today I see on facebook that she found time to go out partying last night, something she didn't mention.

Friend number 2- She had a baby last week. She lives a 50min drive away but I have a card and present for the baby I was going to go up and give her when she was/is ready for visitors. I didn't want to push for a visit because I didnt want to crowd her/be a burden when she has a newborn and a toddler. Yet on facebook (recurring theme here) I see she had a girls night in last night but didnt invite me even though I'd asked if she was planning any socialising after the birth.

Friend number 3- Texted me threatening to defriend me because of a couple of perfectly fine photos of her I put up on facebook. She then publically accused me of lying about something I heard her say (I might have mis-heard her but never intentionally lied). When I told her that all this had upset me whilst I was having a miscarriage she said it wasnt her fault I was upset and that at least now I didnt have to worry about infertility.

Friend number 4- She visited me with her 2 DDs. When they were about to leave I noticed one of the DDs putting notebooks of mine in her bag. I asked to see them. I was horrified to discover that she had been through my childhood diaries and journals and had ripped out the pages and put them in the bin. She initially lied about it but her mum got her to confess. She is 11. The mum did shout at them but I never got an apology and we still took them to a theme park later that day (the day out was for the other DD's birthday), which I paid for more than my share of the entrance fee.

So are these friends worth keeping?

1: sounds like you are drifting apart; I don't think you should bear any hard feelings. Post the gift and wait for her to make an effort to keep the friendship going.

2: Does she know you'd be willing to drive 50min. to see her for what might have been a small gathering of other people you don't know that well?

3: Sounds self-centered, I think I'd mentally cross her off of my list.

4: Was the 11yo nicking what she thought were forgotten old barely-written in notebooks with nice covers on them? Does your friend know that they are valuable to you? Was your friend just stressed out and embarrassed on the day?

Friend 3 sounds vile, not worth keeping and worth dumping, the rest I can see mitigating circumstances for of various kinds (friend 1, childfree, different lifestyle to you, maybe doesn't mean to be neglectful, friend 2, maybe her get together was for local friends and it didn't occur to her that you would be prepared to come, friend 4, her kids behaved badly but is she still someone you want to be friends with?).

But if these people are making you feel rubbish at a difficult time YANBU for not bothering with them for a while.

Maybe friend 3 has fertility issues herself?
Not excusing her btw but maybe it might ring a bell with you.

If any of these 'friends' make you doubt your friendship then YANBU

since DS was born i have operated a '3 strikes and you are out policy' they hack me off 3 times and i stop making the effort. there are so many more important things in life. you need to concentrate on feeling better after your MC, and ignoring the toxic people in your life. it is hard but i feel so much happier knowing that i can trust the friends that i have

Get rid of them all. They have no right to call themselves friends, all acted appallingly, especially with regards to your miscarriage...don't waste your time on them as they obviously have not been there for you.

Friend's 1 and 3 - yep, ditch 'em.

Friend 2 - has just had a baby, cut her some slack.

Friend 4 - You don't approve of the way she dealt with the situation with her duaghter but is she usually a good friend? It would be unfair ro end a friendship on the basis of this one incident.

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarrige, that must have been very difficult for you so I hope you are ok.

Friend 1 - may genuinely be busy, we all have things that we have been meaning to do for ages. She is in a different world to us Mummies, don't hold that against her. Also, it's a bit unfair to expect her to do all the coming round just because you have children and she doesn't.

Friend 2 - Maybe she had her work/school/ante natal/any other particular group of friends round, and you would have been the only one who didn't know everyone else. I know I have separate groups of friends, and apart from big occassions like my wedding, they have never really got together. That's allowed, so again, don't hold it against her.

Friend 3 - Sounds like there is more going on there really if you misheard her say something and then repeated it, so can't really comment.

Friend 4 - You are understandably upset about what her dd did, and that's fair enough. I don't see what going to the theme park for her other dd's birthday has to do with it though. Should the other dd have to be punished for what her sister did? And you went, so I don't see why you shouldn't have to pay.

You are probably very hormonal at the moment if you have recently had a miscarrige, so this may not be the best time for you to be making descisions about long term friendships.

I don't think the incident with friend 4 is worth dumping her for. It was an awful thing for her DD to have done though.

Friend 1, dump her. Not worth the effort.

Friend 2, mention you would have been up for a night in with her and that you don't mind making the trip to visit her. If it was a 1 off then I wouldn't worry too much. She may have just not wanted a big house full and may be a bit overwhelmed still after the birth. I have friends over in the evenings but I can't invite them all at once as I have a small house and too much noise would wake DS up. She may be planning to invite you on her own. I have a few friends that I like to see is smaller groups so I can have a good chat.

Friend 3, Get rid!!!! That fertility thing would have been the end of it for me. What a stupid insensitive thing to say, without all the other crap she was texting you.

After 28 years I finally have some decent friends that I know I will keep. I have dumped a number of crap friends over the years and they are just not worth your time and effort.

I agree with the '3 strikes and your out!' policy! I am not quite so strict, but I am less lenient now. I have some very good friends, a small handful of very close ones, and the others I have pretty much stopped making and effort with. I have little enough time to concentrate on those who I really do care about and who really do care about me, i will no longer waste time on those 'friends' who are just there because of time moving forward, because that is how is always has been. Unfortunately, having children, or going through something horrendous such as bereavement brings the true colours of people out. I had a baby and my mother died within 6 months of each other. My friendship list reduced to almost nothing in the months around that time. Now that reduced list is a good list.

I also agree with other posters that 1/2/3 you should just back off from because they are really not very nice. 4, well she might just be different in her parenting styles, could you be putting your hurt onto that friendship? sort of, all of my friends are being shit, so she is too, when maybe if the others were not so shit you would not see it quite so negatively? however, maybe just back off from her too, and let your 'friends' do some running (perhaps don't expect it from the new mother though). You really don't need friends who make you unhappy.

Frankly life is too short. Ditch no 3, lay off the effort with 1 and 2 until you feel better or they make more of an effort with you. As for no 4, see her only when the clepto daughter with the abysmal behaviour is at school!!

Maybe they are trying to dump you?

none of these sound like real friends. you deserve better.

Sorry to hear about your m/c

Friend 1 - Fuck her then.

I would say about Friend 2, that perhaps another friend, whom you don't know, suggested that she and a couple of others brings pizzas/wine round so that Friend 2 could have a social night out without any effort. She wouldn't be able to add any other guests as although it was being held in her house, it's not really her girls' night.

Friend 3 - just because you thought the photos were fine, it doesn't mean she did. I know a couple of people who can't bear to have their picture taken. The comment about fertility is crass, but from memory just about everyone's comments when you have a miscarriage make you want to punch them in the throat.

Friend 4 - Well maybe she thinks that shouting at her DD counted as an apology? I have a friend who, when her DCs do something to someone else, expends a lot of energy [failed] in trying to get them to apologise. I do this too, but I also apologise to the injured party for my DCs behaviour while I am trying to get my DCs to apologise. Or did you mean her DD didn't apologise? TBH an apology wouldn't be enough for me, it would be a long time before I had that child in my house again. I'd still see the friend though.

I would get shot of 1 and 3 definitely, they sound appalling.

2 has mitigating circumstances (just having a baby is a good mitigation for most things as I know I was the world's most terrible person for calling people back/making arrangements).

4 - That is realy bad behaviour of her DD, but she might have got so caught up in being angry with the DD that she may have forgotten to do the apology part?

ragged-re: 2-the last time i went out with this friend was with the two other friends there, although they are more her friends than mine iykwim

re: 4-I told them they could take notebooks that weren't written in. Friend could see i was upset and she was emabarrassed but I've come to the conclusion that I cant blame her for what her DD did.

wukter- yes friend 3 is broody but her new boyfriend is still married

princess- yes friend 4 knows me better than anyone, she is more like a sister, we have overcome much, much worse in the past.

pavlov- yes that is probably true, it feels like a lot of bad friend experiences at once which is making me feel quite insecure and probably more sensitive than usual

geek- well, I try not to think the worst of people. 2,3 and 4 all live quite far away so maybe the friendship is too much work. Also 3 has made it clear she doesnt need me for holidays/nights out now she has a boyfriend.

balloon- re4- I think her dd's at the age where she cant force an apology anymore. Neither of them has had or is having a good life, they are victims of their circumstance and I cant really hold that against them.

lucky- see above

One thing stands out for me: Stop Using Facebook! And get some nicer friends who don't play silly games on public social networking sites

Facebook is not good for you. Stop looking at it!!!

As others have said, it does appear that you are learning the lesson that facebook is vile and brings out the worst in people. Just stop it, and think how much happier you'll be.

Facebook is the Devil's Bible. So much heartache has been caused by this vile site...just don't go there.

Fully agree with getting rid of facebook - seen a few threads on here on how to rid it from your life - as for the "friends" just stop making contact/effort leave it for a while and just see how it pans x

i ditched facebook and my life is sooo much sweeter