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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to tell my selfish sister in law exactly how selfish she is?

32 replies

childminder90210 · 01/08/2010 21:42

We are having a meal to celebrate parents in law golden wedding. We have to travel a fair distance to attend and sister in law also coming over a fair distance. I assumed meal would be on day of actual wedding anniversary but sister in law has said she wants to go out with friends that evening to a reunion of friends from years ago with some coming over from Australia instead and the meal will be the next night. Now the friends reunion is actually happening both nights but she wants to go on the anniversary night as more friends are attending. I am really angry at her selfishness, we re celebrating 50 years of her parents being married, thats a fairly big deal in my book, so I think she is being selfish buy insisting its not on the day of the wedding anniversary or am I just being petty?

OP posts:
Firawla · 01/08/2010 21:44

if the pils dont mind then i don't really see the big deal

Original poster
childminder90210 · 01/08/2010 21:46

But surely the point of an anniversary celelbration is to celebrate it on the actual day?

OP posts:
AlisonDubois · 01/08/2010 21:51

SIL's can really drive you insane. Mine's exactly the same...so bloody selfish it's unbelievable. But if you say anything your Bro/DH will take the hump on her behalf (even if he does agree with you). You are fighting a losing battle./

ravenAK · 01/08/2010 21:52

Who is actually organising/booking it?

fartblossom · 01/08/2010 21:54

Its a tough one because she is not saying she wants to go out with people she sees regularly, but with people who Im guessing she's not seen for years and may not get the chance to again for years. What does she do? Miss her friends and perhaps not get to see them again for x amount of years? She would like to do both and its much easier to change the anniversary date (less people) than a big reunion (which she may have nothing to do with the organising). I see you've said that they are out both nights, well perhaps someone is coming the first night and not the second who she really wants to see. Perhaps she's upset she cant go to both anyway. Perhaps she feels guilty asking her parents to move the anniversary celebration.

As long as PIL dont mind, then there is no problem IMO. As you've said she has got to travel a bit so its not like she can do both in one night is it?

If I were you're PIL Id do something just the 2 of us on the actual day to celebrate, after all Im assuming (of course I could be wrong) that SIL wasn't around on the actual wedding.

iwasyoungonce · 01/08/2010 21:54

I'm sensing a history with your SIL.

Because if this is one isolated incident, then I think YABU, as surely it is none of your business, and if her parents are ok with it, then that's all that matters.

Vallhala · 01/08/2010 21:55

Depends if the PIL mind and also how important the old friends who are to attend on the day of the anniversary are to her. I have a friend who lives in NY whom I haven't seen for over 20 years and if he was at a reunion I'd want to catch up with him. If that meant attending the reunion AND the anniversary celebration without offending the happy couple I'd do as SIL intends to.

Original poster
childminder90210 · 01/08/2010 21:59

PIL wouldnt say what they really wanted do as SIl would just cry to get her own way. She is over 40 btw

OP posts:
Original poster
childminder90210 · 01/08/2010 22:01

My DH is even fed up of her over this and yes he usually takes her side in these kind of things

OP posts:
Clayhead · 01/08/2010 22:01

We are celebrating my parents' Ruby Wedding soon, a couple of weeks after the actual day due to dh's shifts, db's commitment to attend a wedding. My parents are happy that we'll all be together and TBH no one has stressed too much that it's not on the actual day.

DuelingFanjo · 01/08/2010 22:04

Are the people whos anniversary it is that bothered? What do they say about it?

who is organising it? Was the reunion already arranged before the anniversary meal?

rainbowinthesky · 01/08/2010 22:06

Seeme fine to me. Yabu

AlisonDubois · 01/08/2010 22:06

You say if she doesn't get her own way she will cry. Sounds like a right spoilt brat to me. She appears to like being centre of attention so is causing this agro in order to shine the light on herself, ie, her do with her friends is more important.
Tell her to bugger off with her friends, you will have more fun without her there,so will everyone else by the sounds of it.

PatriciaHolm · 01/08/2010 22:17

I can't see the issue tbh. If it was you having to miss the one opportunity to see loads of old friends you haven't seen for years, you'd be a bit miffed surely? Does sound like you have issues with SIL that are clouding this particular instance. Celebrating 50 yrs of marriage is a big deal - so what if it's not on the ACTUAL date? I've attended 4 40th parties in the last year or so and not one was on the actual birthday as people wanted saturdays/particular venues etc.

Jux · 01/08/2010 22:17

What makes your in laws happy is what should happen, whether anyone else likes it or not. If it will make them happy to give in to their daughter's hissy fit then that's what you do. Their decision. They're grown ups.

tethersend · 01/08/2010 22:27

Maybe the PILs want to stay in bed having sex all day on their anniversary?

nancydrewrocked · 02/08/2010 07:10

Seems fine to me - but I am guessing huuuuge backstory to explain why you are irritated by this.

fartblossom · 02/08/2010 07:15

Im thinking either there is history with SIL and you dont get on so its harder to see her point of view OR the original date is easier for you OP and you're not happy about having to have it on a different day.

Sorry but Im with SIL on this one. Also you have not mentioned what PIL have said about it. They have made it to accommodate SIL and that is their choice so I really cant see the problem.

bellavita · 02/08/2010 08:40

I am with your SIL too I am afraid.

DetectivePotato · 02/08/2010 09:25

I think your SIL is BU. Its nothing to do with her. Its her parents day and it should be celebrated on the day, not a day later as your SIL wants to go out with her mates.

epithet · 02/08/2010 09:28

If the PILs don't mind then YABU. If they do, then YANBU. It's their call.

Not everyone is that bothered about celebrating on the day itself. My aunt recently headed off on a cruise to Italy on the day of her ruby wedding anniversary - leaving my uncle at home. They are very happily married.

mumto2andnomore · 02/08/2010 09:32

I sense you dont like her because I cant see whats wrong about this. My parents wouldnt mind at all, they wouldnt want me to miss out on meeting up with old friends, would be fine with celebrating the next day. Sorry probably not what you wanted to hear !

Helokitty · 02/08/2010 10:07

Sorry, but I'm with the SIL on this one too.

If she has got friends coming over from Australia - she may not get to the see them again for a very long time, and you want her to miss out on this opportunity so that you can celebrate something which could be celebrated the week after.

I do not see the necessity for celebrating on the very day they were married. Personally, I'd arrange for them to do something themselves on the actual day (buy tickets for the theatre or something they'd like) and then celebrate the following weekend or something. If I were the parent, I wouldn't want my children to miss a one off opportunity for my wedding anniversary - I don't see them as that much of a big deal - even 50th wedding anniversaries. I say that from the perspective of a family who didn't do much to celebrate my grandparent's 60th ewedding anniversary this year - they saw their anniversary as their business and did not want a big fuss. I have to admit to thinking the same. My wedding anni is a private affair between my hubby and myself, and I don't want / expect other people to be bothered by it.

Just a different perspective.

Original poster
childminder90210 · 02/08/2010 10:13

The friends are over from Australia for 2 weeks she will be seeing them at least 5 times during the time they are there. PIL will do what keeps her happy not what they ultimately want to do as they dont want her upset in any way, I guess I must be odd then as I thought a wedding anniversary should be celebrated on the actual day of the anniversary especially as it can be done on that day by everyone else involved.

OP posts:
5DollarShake · 02/08/2010 10:15

As an isolated incident, YABU.

But I assume she has form, and if so then, maybe you're not being entirely U. Though if the PILs are genuinely OK with it, then it's probably a battle not worth fighting.

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