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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to just want some 'me' time for once?

23 replies

CakeCuresAll · 01/08/2010 18:50

DD is 9. DS is 1. I'm a single mum and was meant to be having the afternoon off to myself while SIL and brother took my kids to my mums with them.

They have a ds aged 10 months who I watch full time - for free while they work.

We usually go together on a sunday and stay until 5 ish but today they brought back the kids hours earlier then they usually do because they have 'things to do'

I am stupidly upset by this for some reason. I was so looking forward to some time by myself which is something I never get.

I honestly feel close to tears and very unappreciated - why am I over reacting so much?

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 01/08/2010 18:52

YANBU... You're probably reacting badly because I imagine are absolutely shattered. It's so hard when you're tired and think you're going to get just a little time to yourself to then not get it. I empathise completely.

SlartyBartFast · 01/08/2010 18:56

could your mum not have them for you occasionally?

pozzling · 01/08/2010 18:58

YANBU. I would have a chat with your SIL or brother, explain how much it means to get some time to yourself and ask if they can do give you some time next weekend. In fact if you're looking after your nephew full time for free, I'd try to arrange a regular time when they take your DCs for a few hours- maybe once a fortnight or once a month.

ChippingIn · 01/08/2010 18:59

CCA - it is really nice of you to have your DN free of charge for them. It's no wonder you are feeling unappreciated. Maybe it's about time you set up a more 'formal' arrangement with them.

They work - why aren't they paying you? Why should they benefit out of 2 incomes whilst you look after their child? If they paid you, you could afford a babysitter for yours to get a break.

The very least they could do is offer to have your two for a a certain amount of weekend days per month or evenings of babysitting.

You need to get this working both ways or they are just taking the piss mickey!!

compo · 01/08/2010 19:01

I'd get a job parttime and ask them to have your one yr old
so how they like it

sleepingsowell · 01/08/2010 19:04

you're allowing yourself to be doormatted, that's why you feel so bad. If your bro and SIL are happy to let you have their DS full time, then they should be happy enough to do some favours for you in return.

Why not ask them to come to an arrangement where they regularly babysit for you each weekend so you can go out or something?

Personally I think they should be offering this as it's very cheeky of them to allow you to look after their child full time for nothing really. But if they don't offer I think you should assert yourself and request this be arranged in order for you to get some regular time out (and as a way of them showing their appreciation of what you do for them as they don't appear to be showing this any other way eg financially!)

sapphireblue · 01/08/2010 19:26

they are taking the piss and YANBU. I actually feel quite on your behalf........it seems like they're taking advantage of you for free childcare. They either need to babysit regularly for you in return or pay you for looking after their DS......be careful though as I'm not sure what the regulations are re looking after a child full-time....are you sure you aren't supposed to be registered etc etc?

forehead · 01/08/2010 19:32

YA so NBU. What a bloody cheek. They are really taking the piss. The next time they drop their child at your home tell them that you have things to do.
You would have thought that they would be falling over themselves to give you a break.
I don't think that they fully appreciate the favour that you are doing for them, however i am sure that after paying 200 pounds a week for a childminder they will begin to realise how lucky they are.

Original poster

CakeCuresAll · 01/08/2010 19:36

Thanks for the replies.

I thought I was over reacting a bit tbh. I love having my nephew but it is hard work. They are saving for a wedding and moving house so I don't really mind doing it for free but I gave up a job as a playworker (only £20 p/w but it helped) So I have had to take on another LO to help financially so sometimes they clash and I have 10 month dn, 15 month ds and 17 month LO together with my DD. We do have great fun and I love tem all to bits but it's wearing me out.

I think it's just a few things mounting on top of me really.

My SIL and I were meant to be doing a carboot next saturday but my brother won't watch all 3 kids - not even at my mums with her help.

My mum can't watch them alone as she's got mobility problems.

I've just run out of steam I think.

OP posts:

sleepingsowell · 01/08/2010 19:40

bloody hell! no wonder you have run out of steam! You sound an absolute angel and I hope your bro and SIL realise how lucky they are.

For starters, your SIL should stay home and 'help' your brother as he's incapable of looking after 3 kids next saturday - perhaps your mum could keep you company on the carboot, or a friend? If nothing else it's time out for you.

Could you ask them for one regular night a week babysitting? Would you want to go out?

Original poster

CakeCuresAll · 01/08/2010 19:49

I have toyed with the idea of a night class but I don't think I can take the extra work! But i could always say I was going and sneak off to starbucks or something lol!

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 01/08/2010 19:52

CCA - I can see why you would want to help them out, but honestly they are really taking advantage of you and it needs to stop before you burn out!

Ask your useless B why he can't have all 3?? If he says it's too much, agree with him and tell him that's why he needs to make other arrangements for his son in the week - it's too much for you to continue as you have been. Bloody cheeky git.

Again, with the money - yes they need to save for the wedding and yes they are moving house but you have financial needs too - if they paid you £100 a week, you'd be a lot better off and they would still have half price childcare.... job done!

SaggyHairyArse · 01/08/2010 19:56

How many hours and how often do you have your DN for?

sleepingsowell · 01/08/2010 19:57

agree with Chipping.

CCA (great name, btw!) I just want them to stop taking you for a ride. You need, and deserve, some time out to save your sanity once a week. Doesn't matter what you do - starbucks, great! Just be out of the house and off duty for a while. It's really not healthy otherwise imo.

You need to re-charge in order to be able to give these kids on-going care as you are now - it'll be no good to anyone if you get ill through burning out.

(I'm aware I probably sound very bossy here but I'm living with the reality of ill health through on-going stress without a break. I have high blood pressure and will be on meds for life and high BP has all sorts of possible risks/future effects. It's no joke when your health gives out and it really really CAN happen to you!)

Original poster

CakeCuresAll · 01/08/2010 20:02

thanks everyone.

I just thought I was being a moany bitch but I am starting to feel abit like they are taking me for granted. I don't blame them really, they don't really understand what it's like to be a single mum I guess.

I just need some time to myself other then a snatched 20 minutes in the bath lol!

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 01/08/2010 20:06

CCA - even if you weren't single I would be saying the same thing.

Why exactly, do they think it's OK for you to look after their child, free of charge, full time, with no payment and no reciprocal agreement of any kind??

More importantly - why are you letting them treat you this way?

I do understand he's your nephew and you love him and are happy to have him - but really, you can't let this continue. Why should they be the only ones to benefit from this arrangement??

Original poster

CakeCuresAll · 01/08/2010 20:10

I know what your saying chipping.

But it really isn't about money. I'd be happy just for them to watch my two ever now and again.

I think I'll have to have a chat with them.

OP posts:

hairytriangle · 01/08/2010 20:11

You have their child full time FOR FREE????! That needs to change!!!

ChippingIn · 01/08/2010 20:15

CCA

I know your post wasn't about the money, I get that. But think about it, you are a single Mum, clearly not 'well off' from what you have said - so WHY are you not striking a deal with them whereby you all benefit.

Why should they be saving money (for whatever) when you are just scraping by, because you look after their child free of charge? I don't get it.

If they paid you half what it would cost them for a childminder or nursery they you would both benefit and you could pay a babysitter when you wanted some time out.

Original poster

CakeCuresAll · 01/08/2010 20:25

that's true - half wouldn't be that much considering what they would pay.

They won't get child care help through tax credits though because I'm a family member.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 01/08/2010 20:33

CCA - I would ask around local childminders etc to see what the 'going rate' is first, then I guess make some consideration for the fact that they wont get the tax credits (I have no idea if they would qualify or what they would get, so can't help you there) then tell them this is how much you need from them.

If they complain or say they are saving for the wedding - ask them why they think their wedding savings are more important than you buying things your DD needs - if they say but you are home anyway, tell them you could easily take on another child if you didn't have theirs, if they come up with any other complaints - ask them why that is your problem.

Please.... stop letting them treat you like a right mug.

Original poster

CakeCuresAll · 02/08/2010 19:12

I did it!

Thanks for all your support ladies

After everyone's encouragement I finally decided to speak to sil just now when she came to pick up my DN.

I just explained that I was feeling pretty taken for granted and was getting a bit upset.

I told her that although I loved loved loved having my nephew - I was exhausted and would really love some time to myself and some support from them with my kids.

She apologised for letting me down yesterday and said she'd talk to my brother tonight about stuff.

I feel a bit more positive about it now. I really hope they take it on board as I was so uncomfortable raising it all - I felt a right moany bitch!

So thanks again!

OP posts:

echt · 02/08/2010 19:17

Well done, CCA. You're not a moany bitch.

Glad you feel better now, and hope this turns into some real improvements for you.

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