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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not get his cousin ANOTHER engagement present.

59 replies

textpest · 01/08/2010 16:14

DP cousin got engaged two years ago. He has massive family and a large party was thrown - we gave her a gift and a voucher. Four weeks later the wedding was off and her mum said all presents etc would be returned. We had nothing back and neither has anyone else, some noises were made about "not knowing what people had got us" but she didn't even ask us. She is now engaged to someone else and having another party. DP mum has asked if we are getting a present and I got a you tight cow funny look when I said we had already spent £60 on her last time, got no thanks and the gift was in use at new partners house.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to waste the time/money? Her new fiance is well offish and they have a lovely fully equiped home.

OP posts:
MmeRedWhiteandBlueberry · 01/08/2010 19:44

I think engagement presents are from people of the older generation. They were from a day when people married young and started from nothing. They were nothing more than a small token.

It is very different with people marrying at a much older age and often having a full house or two.

We did get engagement presents from a couple of our eldest relatives, but they were clearly token presents, with the main ones given for our wedding.

I think if you are going to an engagement party, just like a house-warming, you should bring something, but it is fine to be less that £10.

amidaiwish · 01/08/2010 21:40

we had an engagement party/house warming rolled into one.
i think i got a couple of unexpected presents
mostly people brought champagne
which we drunk. a lot.
what a party that was. we still talk about it.

......... ...............

porcamiseria · 02/08/2010 08:46

WTF engagement present??? she can fxxk right off!

mamatomany · 02/08/2010 08:49

Well if they'd got married and divorced you still be buying a gift for that wouldn't you so if engagement parties are what your family does and I assume maybe you had one too ? then a gift seems appropriate.
But £60 crickey nobody spent that one our wedding presents and they all had a £50 a head meal, am jealous lol

LolaKnickers · 02/08/2010 09:43

Engagement present? Card? Never sent one, never received one. What an odd idea!

mummytime · 02/08/2010 09:49

£60 seems a lot for an engagement present. Back in the dark ages we got: box of chocolates, a welsh loving spoon, and probably booze. I can't remember giving anything except to one close friend a foam brick (for when things got bad).

A card and some chapagne or a nice photo frame (boots not better) should be fine. (Or a relationship guidance book.)

GrendelsMum · 02/08/2010 12:51

My excellent sister turned up at our engagement party with a book called 'Love is not enough: a woman's guide to financial planning'. Why not get her that?

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/08/2010 12:53

Engagement parties naffily naffola imo.

I would get her a card with swirly writing on.

wukter · 02/08/2010 13:01

Yes, swirly writing card is enough.

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/08/2010 13:03

If you are feeling generous get her a padded one. With glitter on.

And maybe a little smiling teddy bear with 'to the happy couple' written on its t short.

I think engagements are naff, and deserve naff presents.

expatinscotland · 02/08/2010 13:05

Or a mug! A naff mug.

Or, if you can't find the book recommended, try 'Prince Charming Isn't Coming', which is another guide to financial stability for women. Or some dopey self-help book.

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/08/2010 13:07

Or a little padded cushion. And a champagne flute with a cartoon happy couple on it.

Oh I have spent many an hour sneering at the crap they sell in Clinton Cards.

wukter · 02/08/2010 13:08

A card with 2 teddies holding hands.
That should be fine.

expatinscotland · 02/08/2010 13:08

A gift voucher for Hawkins Bazzar.

They've got this cool remote-controlled tarantula in there, and these even cheaper remote-controlled fairies.

anonymousbird · 02/08/2010 13:16

Engagement presents??? Hey?? .

Grief! A party/drinks/knees up to celebrate I have no problem with, but gifts?!?!? WTF???!!!!

Crackers.

wukter · 02/08/2010 13:22

Oh I've an idea they'll love - get your DC to make them a bunch of paper flowers out of newspapers with straws for the stems. A coke bottle can be the vase.
People like that love the personal touch.

minipie · 02/08/2010 13:28

Engagement presents? Good grief.

I've been to loads of "engagement parties" (usually just drinks in a pub) but never seen anyone give a present at those.

Get a card and save your £ for the wedding present.

mummynumber2 · 02/08/2010 13:32

DP and I are getting married soon. It's the second time for both of us and we're going to put a note in the invites asking that people give us no presents. As far as we're concerned we've both had our fair share of wedding presents.

I hink it would be odd for her to expect any presents after last time, especially an engagement present! I agree with the others, you should just turn up with a card and bottle of fizz.

pagwatch · 02/08/2010 13:39

I don't think I have ever given an engagement present in my life. Don't intend to....

Totally grasping bizarre idea.

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/08/2010 13:42

I have been bridesmaid once in my life, the girl I was bridesmaid for had an engagement party in a hotel, and a list for presents.

I bought her the cheapest thing on the list, which was full of random crap - I got her a fish tank.

Yes, they were very grasping.

DinahRod · 02/08/2010 13:43

Good grief, card at most.

Any takers that they'll want money for the wedding present?

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/08/2010 13:45

It wasn't even a real fish tank, fgs, I bought glass beads for the bottom and little fake fish suspended on wire to put in said fish tank.

Christ I know she was young but bloody hell.

I wonder if she has still got it. I hope to god she saw sense one day and joyfully smashed it to smithereens.

LolaKnickers · 02/08/2010 13:51

I find that a lot of people seem to get engaged with no intention of actually getting married apart from some vague future notion; they seem to view it as some sort of "going out +". When we got engaged, it was because we had decided to get married and the engagement was simply the intervening period between the decision and the wedding.

Definitely agree with dinahrod they'll ask for cash for the wedding (if they get that far) - probably with soemthing to say "as we already live together, we already have al lthe toasters / kettles etc we need so we'd really appreicate cash".

pagwatch · 02/08/2010 14:05

ROFL at pretend fish.

I am enjoying this vision of Getorf creating a blue peter style aquarium and doing so whilst seething at dipstickedness of the whole thing

Scuttlebutter · 02/08/2010 14:29

I'd get them a card. I've still got the engagement cards we received but we certainly wouldn't have had a party - it is definately naff. What about something personal? I like making a little mini scrapbook for these sorts of occasions - with some nice pics of the couple and so on. Or would agree with photo frame. My MIL got me a wonderful present just before we married. She made up a little photo album starting with Pics of her own wedding, then of DH and his sister as babies, children, teenagers and adults (cue comedy haircut moments!!) finishing with a pic of us just after we got engaged. It was an incredibly nice thing to do and it is still one of my most treasured possessions. Most of the digital photo companies these days will do those photobooks or even something like a photo collage if you can find a few nice snaps of them both. You've goa an unimpeachably correct present but you haven't had to spend a fortune, and it should get any nagging fusspots off your back.