AIBU to think that real friends are better than shit family members?

[DetectivePotato]

I am pregnant with DC2 so probably a bit hormonal.

I am just very pissed off that some members of my family haven't even bothered to put a bloody congratulations on my facebook page. The ones in particular I am thinking of are, my sister. Yes she is 13 and really stuck up her own backside. I'm still waiting for a thank you for her birthday present in May (I've given up by now, a text or message on FB would have been all I expected, not a handwritten card or anything). But to not even tell me congratulations that I am pregnant? She has known for about 8 weeks. It wasn't common knowledge, now it is but she still hasn't bothered. I have spent years looking after her, taking her and friends out on her birthdays, buying and giving her things, but she says I have never done anything for her. Basically I won't let her speak to me like I'm a piece of shit like she does to her mum (we are half sisters). Then my cousin, he had a baby a year after me. I gave him a lovely chair which I never got a single acknowledgment for. Recently he has started completely blanking me when we see him at my nans house and I have no idea why. He is a bit 'funny' (not in a SN way or anything, just his personality). Another cousin hasn't said anything and we are pretty close. She doens't live here so FB is usually the way we communicate. I have also done loads for her over the years as I have been happy to and wanted to see her.

I now realise maybe I should stop doing things for others as its clealy not appreciated at all and more or less expected now. Not anymore!

I have amazing friends. My best friend really wants to throw me a baby shower. I've never known anyone to have one but she was so excited I said carry on. They are brilliant people that I feel very lucky to have in my life.

Its a shame the same can't be said for my family. I don't see my dad from 1 month to the next. I still have his fathers day present here, but he hasn't been up. I've been waiting a year for him to finish my kitchen, and I am still waiting. He has really helped in the past with fixing my car and stuff and I've helped him out too, but I'm a bit fed up now that I see less and less of him when his DP lives about a mile away and I see him driving down there, but not to come and visit his daughter and grandson. It makes me quite sad.

Oh yes I totally agree with you there. I have a half sister(dad was married before), how can I put it, she is not like a sister to me. We don't have much of a relationship never had. She is incredibly selfish, the world should revolve around her and what she wants, if she cant have her way than she will cut you dead, which is what she has done to me and my half brothers (her full biological brothers). There is 22 years difference between us, and she resented me when I was born (she was married and had her own home then).

I have a fantastic friend, she is not like a friend but the sister I wished I had. She is kind, generous, and has been there for me through some tough times. She expects nothing in return, and everything she does for me is from the heart. I try my utmost best to reciprocate so we are there for each other if needed. She and her dh are my dd godparents, they are like second parents to her.

I wish that my friend had been my sister. you can pick and choose your friends but cant your family. I havent seen my sister in 11 years and quite frankly its no skin off my nose.

Your sister sounds just like mine, except I'm the older one (obviously as she is 13) but I was really happy when she was born, 15 year age gap. As the years have gone by she is just getting more and more unpleasant and if her brother is anything to go by, she will get worse, not better.

Just because you share genetic material with somenoe is no reason to suppose that you will get on or have anything else in common.

So your title is NBU.

Yep, some people are crap... but as for the others - have you publicly announced on facebook that you are pregnant yet? Just whenever I know that someone is pregnant, I usually wait and do not put a message up until someone else / they have in case there are other people they have not yet told / do not yet want to know. I am always really cautious as I do not want to put my foot in it.

Obviously only you know whether this might be the case in your situation... but it is the reason why I hold off from posting congratulations messages until I know it is safe to post them.

Awww detective she is still young though, my sister told me last time that I saw her all those years ago, that she resented me and wished I was a boy, as she was the only girl, so was a daddies girl, and now I came on the scene which ruffled her feathers. She was 22 fgs and married not 12! She never really made any effort with me and at times could be really mean.

Just read a bit more of your op detective, and to be frank I would not bother, concentrate on your lovely family and friends. Our dad died 22 years ago btw, I am sure he would be turning in his grave concerning the behaviour of his lovely wonderful daughter. My dad was a fantastic dad by the way, and really made the short time I had with him wonderful.

I've brought up my three dcs to be fully aware that blood is not necessarily thicker than water - despite my best efforts with my damaged mother, twisted sister and DH's nice but dim family, I've had no useful support from any of them in any hour of need eg ds's bone marrow transplant at age 3 when dts (darling twins) were only 1, or any other time. Thank God for my/our wide range of friends, from across the social and age spectrum, carefully chosen and nutured to create a mutual support network. It's taken me forever to realise that there's very little you can do with the blood relative who is determined to put a lit fag into your two-year old's mouth, those who don't appear to care about serious illness and all the stress involved etc. etc. I've wasted too long beating my head on a brick wall in this respect. My dcs, now grown, are well aware that our friends have been the granny, aunties & uncles & cousins etc. that we would have chosen for them. Personally as a teacher in a poor area, I much prefer to give my care and attention to the grateful majority of kids I teach than waste effort on people I am, in some cases, ashamed to be related to. I'm no angel, but if I had my life over, I'd have deleted several of them a long time ago and saved a lot of effort. Love my friends, feel ambivalent about my not-so-darling relatives ! Stay detached, keep your own standards and don't waste time on pointless trivia, focus on the radiators in life, not the drains x

With your sister I think you need to manage your own expectations, teenage girls and boys are usually self obsessed and don't give a toss about ANYONE. It's not a reflection on you and your relationship.

My little sister is now 17 and almost becoming a normal person again but she certainly has her feckless/selfish moments. More often than not these awful teenagers turn into perfectly lovely adults! Think of them more like toddlers than adults and you'll be fine!

I know this bothers me far more than it should really.

HeloKitty Yes it is public knowledge on FB now, thats why I thought she hadn't left a message before but she just isn't that bothered. She keeps putting messages on about my cousins little boy and how she is going to babysit him in the holidays (I personally wouldn't trust someone like her to look after an 18 month old but my cousin is desperate to offload his son on anyone that offers). She takes no interest in her nephew though.

I don't see her changing as an adult I'm afraid. I know teens are a pita but she is awful and tells her mum to fuck off because she is allowed to get away with it etc etc. Her brother is the same. He is 16 and been to court for breaking his mothers finger. My sister is following in his footsteps because she sees that he is allowed to get away with everything.

albertcamus "It's taken me forever to realise that there's very little you can do with the blood relative who is determined to put a lit fag into your two-year old's mouth" Did your family really do that!!! Hope your DS is ok now.

Thats why I am trying to get such a good network of friends, as there are only a few family members I can rely on and my nan won't be around forever. My brothers away, one at uni and one in the Army, my other sister is in the Navy. Its such a shame as they would be fab with DS, and they are when they are here. Just a shame its rare these days.

I heard a good term for really good friends - 'family of choice'. Having crap family hurts, but good friends do help soften the blow. (Although I end up thinking 'well if X can remember/offer to help/be sensitive then why can't you??!!')

DP - it sadly did happen (20 years ago), what a soft muppet I was to ignore my older, wiser and not usually judgmental DH who said at the time that my sister shouldn't be allowed near them again ... but due to being younger and softer then than I am now I kept trying, waaaaaaay too long & too hard - her own kids have grown & rejected her totally, so she then turned to mine to try to provoke a reaction eg last summer when my DT girls graduated with Social Work degrees dismissing all SWs as 'rubbish' - yeah, right, anything you say! So as a family now of 5 adults we collectively decided to give up on her twisted BS, and have been much happier for it. I'm sad for her but in her world of 2 ppl I think she's happy in her twisted way so each to their own I suppose! DS is now 24 and fully recovered from near-death BMT, thanks