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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed I am ALWAYS being reminded about 'what's mine and what's yours'

46 replies

MrsFC · 01/08/2010 09:48

Let me start by explaining that MrFC is an extremely generous and kind man. He pays all the bills and mortgage, and I just work for three days a week and pay for the food and things for my DS.

But he's starting to drive me crazy. DS (from a previous relationship) & I moved into his house two years ago, and when I sold my flat I paid him a lump sum which was all formalised and I now have a 12.5% share in the house, whilst paying nothing towards the mortgage or upkeep. We recently traded in my old banger for a shiney new car and again I just paid 10% and he paid the rest.

Lovely lovely, I know. But HONESTLY, does he have to keep reminding me how lucky I am? Because I KNOW, right? I'm very happy and very grateful, and I DO tell him, so cut out the little digs, because quite frankly when you constantly tell me you don't want to marry me it makes me feel more insecure than grateful and happy.

Hmmm... I sound like an ungrateful spoilt madam don't I. In my defense I am 15 weeks pregnant with our much wanted and awaited child and so just maybe I'm a touch hormonal...

OP posts:

Thing1Thing2 · 01/08/2010 09:51

Sorry - but this is weird.

Especially as you about to have a child together. Time that everything was everybodys.

ZZZenAgain · 01/08/2010 09:53

how does he do this reminding you how lucky you are that he is paying more than you?

I think you have to nip it in the bud really. Sounds like it could get quite poisonous, esepcially when you'll be out of work looking after the baby.

SlackSally · 01/08/2010 10:00

Does he thank you for buying all his food and everything his child needs, as well?

SlackSally · 01/08/2010 10:01

Ooops sorry. It's your child. Still. It seems like no one has anything to be grateful/smug about.

LostArt · 01/08/2010 10:02

Remind him how lucky he is that you are having his child.

tethersend · 01/08/2010 10:02

Why should you have to be grateful to your partner?

I assume he's getting something out of it too?

Why doesn't he want to marry you?

mamas12 · 01/08/2010 10:05

Oh o what a way to behave to someone you're having a child with.
His behaviour is unacceptable and you do need to nip this in the bud now.
Any more comments like that is made to undermine you and your confidence in your relationship and he sounds controlling.
Good luck

Squitten · 01/08/2010 10:09

That doesn't sound very pleasant. I'd be inclined to tell him to sod off...

I'm a SAHM and have payed nothing towards the house that we live in. It's still half mine though. And all the money that comes into the house comes from DH but he wouldn't DREAM of making me tell him how grateful I am for it! You're either in an equal partnership or you're not and if it's the latter, then it's not one you want to be in

fedupofnamechanging · 01/08/2010 10:11

This makes me very uncomfortable. No person in a relationship should have to feel 'grateful' to the other person. If he loves you he should want to do the things that make your life nicer and easier. Obviously, you appreciate each other, but that is different imo to feeling grateful. I am wondering whether your dp has had a previous relationship in which he felt taken advantage of financially.
I think it is a concern that you both have different feelings towards the idea of getting married and I must admit that I think it is wrong for you to be taking sole financial responsibility for your nds. He has become involved with a woman who has a child, therefore he takes that child on too. I feel this is esp imp as you are now having a child together. The two DC need to be the same, but that's just my two pennies worth. Think you need to have a proper, serious conversation with your dp before the new baby arrives

edam · 01/08/2010 10:12

There's been a recent case where a partner who never paid a penny towards the mortgage got half the house...

Tbh I think Mr FC needs to sort his attitude out. Either you are a couple or not. You are good enough to share his life and have his baby and share household expenses (food is just as important as mortgage).

leftangle · 01/08/2010 10:18

Why should you be so grateful. You had a flat so were clearly managing before you met him. There shouldn't need to be conversations about what is mine and yours because you are now a partnership and money should be shared. If he can't do this without resentment then you have a problem which will only get worse when you take maternity leave.

Headbanger · 01/08/2010 10:28

MrsFC, I suspect you are being hormenkul - he's ever so generous, and is not one of those men that asks you to account for every penny spent!

I agree not wanting to marry is baffling and annoying, especially given that you're pregnant, but I think there's probably actually quite reasonable thinking behind that too, maybe???

I also think he's not saying that you should be grateful to him - just generally grateful that you're in a good position financially, if you see what I mean!

I think the fact that he is quite aware of money and where it goes etc. is a by-product of his job. He has to do it 8 or 10 hours a day, and it must be quite hard to switch off - a bit like the OM always been on the look-out for people Up To No Good, even when he's off shift.

It probably wouldn't hurt to talk about it but first work out how much of it is reasonable worry and how much of it is hormonal...

ReasonableDoubt · 01/08/2010 10:30

I don't think a nice man would keep reminding his partner about what he does for her, sorry.

justaboutblowingbubbles · 01/08/2010 10:33

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HappyMummyOfOne · 01/08/2010 10:38

Maybe he's feeling the stress of being the main earner and covering all the big bills plus luxuries too like your new car. Its quite a burden especially in this economic climate.

I wonder if he doesnt want to get married as he knows then that your 12.5% share will automatically go 50/50 as the judge will not look at the fact he made the mortgage payments himself.

justaboutblowingbubbles · 01/08/2010 10:40

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SirBoobAlot · 01/08/2010 10:40

Reading warning signs, personally...

Original poster

MrsFC · 01/08/2010 10:41

Thank you headbanger, you make sense. I think maybe I should have thought before I posted in a temper. His job means that he does add up
money instinctively.

But it is nice to know from everyone else that IANBtotallyU asking him to stop going on about it now. The marriage thing is because he has been married before and felt pushed into it. He knows he has a limited time span after miniFC is born before I get very irrational about it!

And we have talked about him having to support me whilst on mat leave.

I'm sorry I think maybe I overreacted this morning, but all your replies helped thank you. I have explained to him that I am so over his little digs now and peace has reasumed.

Thank you all, you are lovely xx

OP posts:

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 01/08/2010 10:47

I agree with Lost Art, he's found a woman to bear him a child. He should be thinking about how lucky he is...

HecateQueenOfWitches · 01/08/2010 10:49

A generous person does not keep reminding you that they are generous. A mean person constantly reminds you of all the things they have done for you! A generous person can't remember, doesn't keep score and doesn't bring it up, want you to feel you owe them and expect your eternal gratitude.

So I would have to say that he is not, in fact, a generous man.

What will happen to you if you are not sufficiently grateful 10 years down the line, do you think?

You shouldn't be grateful to your partner - you are a family!!!! Yes, you can appreciate one another, but being 'grateful' is a different thing all together. And more about power and control than appreciation.

lal123 · 01/08/2010 10:52

"And we have talked about him having to support me whilst on mat leave" - no, he'll be supporting his family?

NancysGarden · 01/08/2010 10:57

Being PG certainly exacerbated how I felt and made me a little irrational, but it does sound like your concerns are genuine. You have given him a time-scale for marriage which I think is totally reasonable. It's very easy for people to judge, but only you know the full picture.

Good luck, stick to your guns and do remind him how lucky he is.

RealityKicksArse · 01/08/2010 10:57

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MrsC2010 · 01/08/2010 11:07

Ditto Reality...but what is his is ours and vice versa. Truly generous people don't see it as generous, if he is keeping a tally in his head that is something different altogether.

Look closely at your legal situation once the baby appears, you will/should certainly be 'entitled' to more than a '12.5% share' in the shared house if anything were to happen to your relationship.

Harryan · 01/08/2010 11:17

Sorry but once my DH and I had a child together, what was mine was his and vice versa. Because we had become a family.
It has always been 'The Norm' and how we see a family unit should work.

DH has always supported us, there has also been times where I have been the main money earner. Either way its supposed to be a joint effort isn't it??!!

And niether of us would ever suggest the other should be grateful. Of course we are, but why shove it in each others faces??

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