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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think she just doesn't like me....?

19 replies

whoneedssleepanyway · 31/07/2010 11:09

SIL that is...

since she had her DC (slightly older than my DD2) she seems to avoid us...

she has cancelled the last 3 things we planned to do together
came up with every excuse on the planet not to go on holiday with us and the ILs (despite being able to go on four other holidays in the time it took to arrange this)
has now made other plans for Christmas with her friends even though we discussed a family christmas altogether this year as we didn't spend it together last year
refuses any offer i make to help her with her DC but accepts help from MIL (who is also my MIL), her mum and her sister

am feeling v sad about this as would love the cousins to be close but can't see this happening.....i was v depressed when i was on maternity leave with DD2 and she had a hard time too as her DC has SNs and think this may have something to do with it.

AIBU to think that she should make more effort so our DCs get to know each other....

OP posts:

YunoYurbubson · 31/07/2010 11:14

As long as she is pleasant and polite, I am not sure you can (or should want to) force a closer relationship.

If she doesn't like you it's just one of those things. Surely you have met people in your life who you just don't like all that much? We can't all adore everyone else.

gingernutlover · 31/07/2010 11:17

it does sound like she just isn't that bothered about spending time together as families. Dont let it worry you, although it would be nice for the children to be close it's not essential.

lolapoppins · 31/07/2010 11:20

It is sad when cousins can't be close. I have two bald sisters who between them have seven children, all around the same age as ds. I rarely see them, as we are such diffrent people, they have issues with me going back to when I was born and thier parents split, I don't think they are particularly nice people for things they did and didn't do when I was growing up.

It used to really upset me, especially for ds, but if you don't get on with someone, or just don't like them for some reason, a realtionship can't be forced.

YunoYurbubson · 31/07/2010 11:21

Your op made me think of a friend of mine; perfectly pleasant woman, and we have a lot in common. It would make sense for us to be really good buddies and share school runs and pop round to each others' houses, and for our husbands to play golf together, and our children to play together often. She would really like this I think. The trouble is, pleasant though she is I just don't want to spend masses of time with her. Through absolutely no fault of her own I find she grates on me. I don't enjoy her company all that much. That doesn't mean I want bad things for her, or that I'll stop being friendly on the street and when we bump in to each other. We even get the kids together once in a while. I don't dislike the theory of her. There is nothing I can pinpoint and say "THIS is why I don't want to be her friend". I just... don't like her much. It doesn't reflect anything lacking on her part.

lolapoppins · 31/07/2010 11:21

Lol at bald sisters! I means half sisters, I phone typing strikes again!

YunoYurbubson · 31/07/2010 11:22

Lola... you have two bald sisters?

YunoYurbubson · 31/07/2010 11:22

Roffle!

SloanyPony · 31/07/2010 11:26

There's one of my SIL's I dont really like that much. She's okay - there's nothing too bad about her - she's just a bit of a princess when my IL's are around (her parents) and plays up to them (this annoys DH too), and is slightly bigoted and shallow about certain things.

But as far as I am aware, she has no idea I feel this way, and we all meet up wherever possible, because our children like to play with their cousins.

So YANBU to be a bit miffed.

gillybean2 · 31/07/2010 11:27

Had this for years with my own sister. In the end I said I didn't want to see her or dc again after years of bending over backwards to help her, and going out of my way to maintain a relationship with the dc for my own ds's sake.

The final straw came when she canceled our invite to her ds2's birthday outing (again I might add) saying it was my nephew's choice (he's 5 fgs and adores my ds) and when I said I thought she was unreasonable said she didn't regard us as part of her family, and that her family are her dh and 3dc only.

But the relief at finally being able to let go is amazing.

I would suggest you stop offering and just regard her as a distant relative who you don't see much of in future. It really isn't worth the agro and you will most likely feel much better for accepting it and moving on with your own lives.

DetectivePotato · 31/07/2010 11:29

I think you should stop trying so hard. Maybe she didn't want to go on a family holiday. I'm not sure I would want to tbh. She maybe just not that big a 'family' person. And you can't really blame her for accepting help from her own mother and sister, and MIL is her DCs grandmother. Maybe she doesn't want a close relationship with her SIL.

I would move on and see more of your own friends than worry about this relationship. If the cousins aren't close, you can't force it.

DuelingFanjo · 31/07/2010 11:30

To be fair I would be resisting holidays and Christmas with my in-laws. Some people just don't like to do all that stuff.

TheMoonOnAStick · 31/07/2010 11:31

I like my in laws and bil etc but I think I too would probably come up with every excuse on the planet not to go on holiday with them all.

Maybe she likes you all but doesn't like too many big arranged family get togethers. I'm a bit the same tbh. I still like everyone though.

BAFE · 31/07/2010 11:33

lots of good advice on this thread for you OP.

I might even take some of it on board myself.

Morloth · 31/07/2010 11:38

There are people in my extended family I don't particularly like or want to spend time with.

No reflection on them (or me) I just don't like them. I am always polite and friendly etc when we do run into each other, but I don't seek them out and would definitely not go on holiday with them. There are plenty of people who feel the same way about me I am sure.

That is the way it goes.

Original poster

whoneedssleepanyway · 31/07/2010 11:50

My ILs can be quite full on, like to do big family things (holidays, christmas, birthdays etc) and I think that SIL isn't mad on this. But I also think there is more to it, and maybe like you say she just isn't that mad about spending time with me.

I guess i just can't get my head round this as I have never not liked a family member, I have a close family too and I really like it when we all spend time together but i suppose it isn't everyone's cup of tea.

OP posts:

breatheslowly · 31/07/2010 11:51

I would avoid going on holiday with more or less anyone else. And for various reasons won't do Xmas with my PIL. That said I do have good relationships based on single days with PIL. DH is equally resistant to spending time with my family and we don't go to all of the things we are invited to by any means.

I did wonder whether the similarity in age between your DD2 and her DC combined with the SN of her DC (not sure what type of SN) makes it hard for her to be around you/your DD2. I can easily imagine being jealous or having irrational thoughts - such as "how dare she be depressed when her DC isn't the one with SN". If this is the case then I have no idea how you can go about building a better relationship other than giving her space/time.

Lynli · 31/07/2010 11:56

Why don't you ask her?

Snuppeline · 31/07/2010 12:06

You mentioned that her dc's had SN. Does your children also have SN? If they don't perhaps she is compelled to compare her own dc's with you're presumably healthy ones? I know SN is a very wide category and that they may be very little affected but could it be that she finds it hard being with you your dc because of this? Perhaps you, unknowingly, have been saying lots about how well your dc is doing achiving their milestones/at school/sports etc etc? I am sure your a lovely person so not a character attach but didn't see this issue addressed in other posts so thought I'd raise it. If you don't think this can be at play then I would agree with those who say that you should just accept state of affairs and make the best of your own family life instead.

Snuppeline · 31/07/2010 12:07

sorry, so many spelling mistakes in that post (cringe emoticon)...

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