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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

need serious opinion. Drinking

9 replies

meltedchocolate · 30/07/2010 22:43

OK quick background is that an ex of mine was very bad with drinking. His binges would be out of the blue and he would turn very VERY nasty in them. All other partners have been involved in some drug use (whether just dope or more serious usage) and all drinkers. I used to drink myself but am now tee total.

My reasons for going tee total are that drinking makes me uneasy. I worry that people quickly lose control. I worry that people are affected how ever slightly after the first two glasses (depending on your body I guess). I just worry. I know it is quite irrational because most people that drink know when to stop and how much they can drink before getting drunk, and those that get drunk are fine drunk, just louder etc. I KNOW that, but when it comes to people actually drinking around me i start to get nervous and feel very uneasy about it. Again, I KNOW that it is only down to my experiance with ex (Also tee total because I chose not to get drunk anymore - PITA when drunk - and I am a person that doesn't see the point unless getting drunk)

Here is the problem. I have met someone and am considering (well, pretty sure we will) starting a relationship with him after my divorce at the end of this year. He likes to drink like most people but doesn't get drunk. What's the problem then? I dunno, when he says he is going to have a few drinks with his mates I start worrying about it. How stupid I know!!! He knows this and says that if it makes me uneasy he wont drink at all.... (how sweet I know!!) but I don't wanna do that too him! but if we do get together I will be nervous about him drinking around me.... maybe I will get used to it? I know it's something I just need to get passed and I hope to one day but I think the alcohol thing is just too raw atm.

AIBU to say to this guy 'really? You wouldn't drink for me? thanks...' and let him do that? I feel very unreasonable....

Ladies... talk me through it please!!

OP posts:
fernie3 · 30/07/2010 22:47

I dont drink and hate it from childhood experiences, my husband does drink very occasionally but only very occasionally and only a very small amount. He wouldnt drink around me or in the house. I dont really say to him not to but he knows that it would upset me and so doesnt do it. I dont think it is unreasonable if he really wanted to drink that much I am not forcing him to be here at all....

colditz · 30/07/2010 22:50

I think you need to be around him when he drinks so you can see that he is a reasonable drunk (as am I ... the very worst thing I do is repeat myself or fall asleep with my head on the table).

Eventally, seeing that he is a reasonable drunk over and over again should give you back the trust you should already have.

meltedchocolate · 30/07/2010 22:52

Thank you fernie Thing is that I really don't wanna have a problem with it. I know my exes action are not the norm and I KNOW that this guy doesn't even get drunk. I jut feel unreasonable because as yet we are not actually together and because I don't wanna tell someone what they can and cant do (though he offered)

OP posts:
meltedchocolate · 30/07/2010 22:54

colditz. thanks. that is what I hope to do eventually. Am i being unreasobale allowing him to stop NOW for me? We don't even live that near each other. (it is gonna be a painfully slow relationship for various reasons)

OP posts:
loopyloops · 30/07/2010 23:14

I think you should consider some counselling. He shouldn't have to stop if he's a light drinker. Take care.

meltedchocolate · 30/07/2010 23:37

Thanks loopy. I have thought about it, but I don't know if it's a serious enough problem for me to get councilling over. I think I just need to deal with it slowly. My parents drink around me and the more they do (only a glass or two) the more I relax with them doing it. I hope it's the same with this guy.

OP posts:
meltedchocolate · 30/07/2010 23:38

and I agree he shouldn't have to stop and I don't really want to be the reason he does. (isn't it sweet and very understanding of him to over though )

OP posts:
abbierhodes · 31/07/2010 01:03

Meltedchocolate, I agree with colditz here. Let this new relationship show you, gradually, that drinking can be fine.

My ex had an affair. I was very paranoid about this. My new BF was happy to put my mind at rest by letting me answer his phone, read his emails...he had no privacy, by his own choice. 7 years, 3 kids and one wedding later, I have no need to check on him anymore (though he wouldn't care) and am very happy and secure with my now DH.

What I'm trying to say is, if he's willing to adjust his drinking habits to help build your trust, despite not being the one who broke it, he's a good guy.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 31/07/2010 09:59

Agree with the above. YANBU to be uneasy about his drinking, but it'd be a bit U to expect him to stop. He sounds wonderful...

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