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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...To think a 16 year old should be capable of catching a train

70 replies

prettybird · 30/07/2010 16:59

SIL's 16 year old ds is staying with us while she is way on holiday. He is doing a course in place on the other side of the city.

She arranged for him to get lifts there and back as she didn't think he would be able to get there (would involve catching train, changing stations in the centre of town to get another train and then maybe a walk or bus at the other end) without having been shown what to do.

Last night he said that he wouldn't be able to get the lift today and would we be able to give him a lift.

We told him no, and that he could get the train, explaining to him what he needed to do. We are presuming that since we didn't get a text or call from him, he succeededin getting there.

Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:

musicposy · 30/07/2010 23:53

Good grief, my 14 and 10 year old take themselves to ballet almost 20 miles away, which involves a train and bus ride the other end. 14 year old has been doing this since she started secondary school and DD2 has been going with her since she was 9. When we've been to London my 14 year old has planned the tube routes and led the way because I like to know she could cope/ find her way home if she got lost.

I remember when I started at uni the freedom really went to some people's heads and they couldn't really handle it. Those of us who had been given responsibility already handled it much better. At 16 you will be making your own way in the world very, very soon. To be incapable of taking the train somewhere at that age is a bit mollycoddled IMO.

mumeeee · 31/07/2010 00:16

prettybird Iwas using dd3 as an example that a 16 year old without special needs should be able to catch a train. But I didn't explain my self very well,

TiggyD · 31/07/2010 00:23

Last week that 14 year old girl from abroad (Netherlands?) has been given permission to sail solo around the world. I suppose it is easier for her as she doesn't have to change boats anywhere.

musicposy · 31/07/2010 00:35

Lol at TiggyD

freerangeeggs · 31/07/2010 01:34

I'm from Glasgow and was using public transport way before I was 16 - not trains, admittedly, as the train station was a bit of a distance away from our house, but my friends and I navigated the buses pretty expertly

On the other hand, my brothers are in their late teens/early twenties and so used to getting lifts that I think they'd have trouble reading a train timetable (or possibly locating a train station). It's sad. My mum has mollycoddled them something rotten and it hasn't done them any favours.

mummytime · 31/07/2010 07:26

I'm dyspraxic and used to travel into London by myself all the time from 14. My main memory is of frequently getting on the wrong trains and sorting that out.
Oh and getting stuck in west London when the whole tube system stopped working, with my German Penfriend who needed to get home to pack. We managed to cross London by Bus, and BR!

I hope he's home by now

Goblinchild · 31/07/2010 08:01

Of course teenagers are capable of it, it's whether their parents will allow them to be and teach them the skills to do it successfully.
I still feel that it's not a reflection on the 16 year old but the parents.
It would be interesting for you to ask him how he felt about being made to be more independent. Then come back and tell us prettybird.
I'm also curious about how your SIL copes with your blatant negligence and idleness with regards to her Darling Boy.

Danthe4th · 31/07/2010 08:21

Crikey my 13 year old dd caught a train from York to cheltenham the other day on her own, she had been to a friends for a week and it was cheaper to get a train rather than me go and pick her up.

Ilythia · 31/07/2010 09:40

hah, at 16 I had a work experience arranged in the City. I lived in small midlands town and had to stay with my sister, catch 2 trains and a tube to the City and get into the trading floor for 7am.

sunnydelight · 31/07/2010 09:55

I had a row with DS1 (16) about this recently. Aged 13 he was desperate to be allowed to use public transport by himself, aged 14 he was allowed to and happy. Aged 15 he met his girlfriend who has the helicoptor mother to end all others and would insist on driving him home "because he couldn't possibly get the train". Aged 16 he started moaning that everyone else got lifts everywhere why couldn't he. I totally lost it and told him he should WANT to be independent at his age and suggested that he doesn't choose a spoilt brat for his next gf!

randomimposter · 31/07/2010 10:07

blimey... I commuted into London (40 mins rail journey, then 2 stops on the tube) to school from the age of 11.... Having said that, I have started to wonder whether I'll be happy for DS to do that , but have a while to worry as he is only 2....

But at 16? No YADNBU. (Unless he has SN of some sort...?)

randomimposter · 31/07/2010 10:10

oops just read further and he defo doesn't have SN... then strike out my disclaimer...

LLKH · 31/07/2010 12:22

How did he do? That one start in using public transport can open up a heck of a lot more choice on where to go and hang out.

mummytime I'm dyspraxic too and from the age of 12 on, I managed to take two buses home from school. Then to my delight, I figured out that if I could do that, then I could take public transport into many other places. Funny thing is my mum insisted that I take public transport and now that DH and I essentially choose to use it wherever we go, she gets a bit sniffy .

seenyertoeslately · 31/07/2010 12:50

Why do people keep mentioning children making plane journeys as examples of early independence? You can't get lost on a plane. Fairly difficult to get on the wrong flight, but very easy to get on the wrong train.

Having said that, of course OP is NU.

TrillianAstra · 31/07/2010 13:28

Is SIL a nervous traveller herself? My mum is very bad with public transport - I know she would never get two trains across a city she doesn't know, chaging at a station she doesn't know. Maybe SIL has drummed it into him that changing trains is difficult.

juuule · 31/07/2010 14:04

But getting a bus/train etc takes soooo much longer than getting a lift off someone.

Original poster

prettybird · 31/07/2010 18:05

DNephew didn't have any problems - but I don't think he sees it as a "breakthrough" in his independence! He's too much of a dreamer to think like that. His only complain has been how tired he is, 'cos he has been having to get up so early to catch lifts/public transport. Today he only got up at midday - but I suspect part of that is just being a teenager

SIL is not a nervous traveller - but I think has just allowed herself to assume that her ds "can't" do things. Ironic really, as she is a scout leader!

She'll be fine about us having made him take public transport - in fact, in some respects, she will be grateful that we took the responsibility off her (... and if anything went wrong, it would have been our fault* )

We actually get on really well with her and already tease her to her face about the fact that her son should be doing these things.

and if anythinghad happened, we would have reminded her that the first two times that our ds went to A&E, he was in her care - both times 'cos he fell and split his forehead (age 2 and 4 respectively). (Ds has been to A& E four times - on every occasion, he was in someone elses's care: 3rd occasion, the out of school club, when he fell and split his forehead again, tripping up* a staircase at Glasgow cathedral, and the 4th, the day after our skiing holiday, where he broke his leg in the playground at school, playing football )

OP posts:

Original poster

prettybird · 02/08/2010 12:55

...and SIL was fine about us having made him take public transport

I think it is just a habit she has got into: assuming he "can't" do it - but she also knows we won't pander to him

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/08/2010 13:01

DD gets the train to n devon from Cheltenham on her own - change at Exeter, and has to get a bus from barnstaple to Ilfracombe.

She is 14, and loves travelling on her own.

When I was 16 I had a flat and a job (in my day, etc)

Mammie81 · 02/08/2010 13:07

I got lost at the grand age of 29 when I was in New York and had left my Time Out guide back in the UK!

However I blame the lack of clarity on the NY subway system!

He'll be fine, I used to get the tube alone at 14! In Tottenham too!

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