grrrh MIL

[outwardlycalminwardlyseething]

just need to rant really.

MIL took DS out for the day and asked DH in advance if she could use the forward facing car seat that she has in her car (which she uses for DN who is 5 months older that my DS).

I told DH that really DS is too small for a such a car seat and still needs to be in his rear facing one. DS is 11 months but is on the smaller side and I wasnt sure if he was over the lowest weight limit for it (been 4 weeks since he was last weighed and he was heavy enough then) DH agreed to leave our spare car seat with MIL (which she has used before).

I've since found out that MIL didnt listen to any of this and put DS in her forward facing seat despite having the rear facing seat. And aparently DS really enjoyed being `able to see out the window'

Ok nothing happened and everything was fine and they didnt go far but I am so cross

If this had been my dad i would have given him a very strong talking to - as its my MIL i shall bite my tongue. I just feel really cross that she totally ignored our wishes. And why bother asking if it was ok it she wasn't going to take any notice?

Just need to go GRRRRHHHH!!!!!!

that should be he wasnt heavy enough for a forward facing seat

My MIL does this stands there and argues (she doesn't have him alone for certain reasons) that ds 18months was okay to go in a 4-11y carseat you know booster with a back. made me so .

YANBU, why cant they just respect our wishes, why must they make it such a big deal. whether they think it is ok or not it is not their call.

I would get your dh to tell her that you are not happy with it, and tell her it undermines your feeling of being confident to leave dc with her as you feel you cant trust her to follow your wishes re: children's safety, and that you dont expect it to happen again. if she had the other rear seat there really is no excuse, its done due to pure stubborness and "why should i listen, i know what i am doing" attitude

thanks for your replies - it seems such a silly thing but i feel really undermined. In most ways i am fairly laid back but car safety is my bug bear

It is not silly when I was having dc2 the woman in the bed next to me lost her older child, because her MIL had put him in a forward facing car seat they had a slight collision (no one else required medical attention) on the way to hospital, and because he was unprotected from the impact his neck broke on impact. There was nothing any one could do the poor woman was howling and I really felt for her(understandably) because not only did she lose a child but the day her second son was born will always be the day her first son died . They moved her to a private room. Not telling you this to frighten you but to let you see you are not being silly at all.

Have just got back from an antenatal session with our local road safety officer. The advice is that you must wait until the child reaches the max tested weight of a car seat before moving up to the next one (I think the change over weights were group 0+ 13kg and group 1 18kg). The only exception seems to be when the child is too tall for the seat (head above the top, not feet dangling off, this is ok). She was quite insistent on this, so YANBU.

Slushy, that's awful! Poor woman!

I don't think it's a small thing at all, car safety is one of the things that really gets me going too. If my MIL disrespected my wishes, and the law regarding my child's safety to the extent that yours has, she would never be allowed to take him anywhere again.

I know we could hear her screams she was sedated pretty quick though the MW told us what had happened because we could all hear her and was wondering what was wrong the mw were concerned we would go to see what was wrong with her when she needed to be left alone, I will always think of her on my dd b.day. I can't even begin to imagine how horrible that must of been of her.

Oh my god,, Slushy that is so sad

It goes to show that OP you are not being unreasonable. I would get your DH to have aowrd if you don't feel comfortable doing so. You baby, your rules. And the rules of safety advisors!!

Maybe your DH should show his mother this website

www.rearfacing.co.uk/

It's not scaremongering - it's factual and down to earth.

here

Thanks Slushy. I will try to do that myself next time.

Of course it´s not silly.
I´m so old that there weren´t seat belts in the back of many cars when I was a kid, but I wouldn´t expect my parents or ILs just to chuck their grandchildren in the back because that´s what they did with their own children!

Slushy thats sooooo awful. That poor poor woman. I can't ever imagine anything worse!!

OP, that story in itself proves that YANBU. I would have said that anyway but after Slushys story, it just goes to show.

Why can't people just listen to the instructions they are told. I would be inclined to get your DH to tell his mother that until she can follow simple guidlines and not ignore them because it is more convenient to her, then she won't be looking after your DS unsupervised anymore.

YANBU - don't think you need us to tell you that really. Especially after slushy's post

Slushy - that is so awful You can't even begin to imagine how devastating that would be can you.

OP - (I'm not for delegating it to DH as I don't think it's healthy to create a situation where you 'go through him' to speak to her but know some people do.) I would explain to her that there are some things that are not negotiable when she has DS on his own, car safety is one of them and that if you come to feel you can't trust her to do as you have asked then you wont be allowing her to have him on her own. This is too important to just 'let it go'. Say what you would say to your own Dad - they are both DS's grandparents.

slushy - how horrendous.

on a different note - I remember the first time I put ds2 into his forward sitting car seat - and the smile that spread across his face as he realised he was looking forwards and could see things and was like his big brother was so lovely, watching him and realising that he was working out what this meant for him, he was so excited. And your MIL has taken that away from you. I know this is completely secondary to the safety aspect but it is another one to factor in.

I know people can say others can be a bit PFB (or P2B etc!) about watching a baby have 'firsts' but hey, the MIL has had her go, it's yours and it is not her decision to take it away from you.

Do you also find that your DS doesn't want to go in his rearfacing seat as much now?

thank you for all your replies and at your story slushy (also just read your other thread so double )

I have challenged DH on this tonight and guess what?? A very sheepish DH admitted that he did not leave the car seat as arranged with MIL and that he thought it would be "ok". I have referred him to the websites that you have linked to above and he is very

Luckily for him DH is away tonight otherwise he would be kipping in the spare room mulling over why it is wise to listen to your wife at all times.

double grrh

at your dh at least he admitted it and no harm done and will now probably stick to the rules.

None of us could imagine how horrid it must of been for her and I hope I never can .

Oh well, we all make mistakes. At least he admitted it before you had a go at MIL. I hope he now tells her how stupid he was and that DS is to go in the other one until you say so!!! I guess at least he is sheepish and shocked by the links and not just saying 'Oh no harm done, he'll be fine'.

"because he was unprotected from the impact his neck broke on impact."

It's not as straightforward as that. Rear-facing seats are safer in aircraft (and until recently were used for military transports) because all aircraft accidents involve deceleration. But for cars, a very common accident is being rear-ended, when the car is accelerated forward, and a lot of work has gone into head-restraints to reduce the neck injuries (the issue is snatch: meters per second per second per second).

A child may have their neck fatally damaged by being involved in a front-end collision whilst in a forward-facing seat; they could equally have a fatal neck injury whilst in a rear facing seat if the car is hit from behind, when they would be the only person in the car whose head is not supported. Had the mother in your example been hit from behind whilst waiting at traffic lights (hardly an uncommon accident) she could be grateful for the forward-facing seat that saved her child's life.

The webpage referenced upthread points to this BMJ article. I've only scanned it very quickly, but I'd point out that (a) it's comparing actual accident outcomes with conjectured "may have been survivable in another sort of seat" which is inherently unblinded and (b) even so the error bars on the odds ratio quoted are surprisingly wide (ie, the statistical limits of the study include a wide range of outcomes) and (c) analysis from 1976 to 1996 excludes almost all years in which front passenger airbags were fitted and all years in which side curtain airbags were fitted, which will potentially significantly change the risk calculus.

I'd also be concerned that people won't correctly set the airbag in the passenger seat on (for adults) and off (for rear-facing children), which has nasty failure modes in both cases.

The main point is that being belted in an appropriate child seat is massively safer than being unrestrained in almost any accident. After that, the differences are much, much less clear cut.