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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think having dc has not made me unhappy?!

32 replies

proudnsad · 29/07/2010 13:34

Daily Mail website (yeah I read it sometimes, get over it !), feature based on research that says that having kids does not bring happiness. In fact quite the opposite, can make you very unhappy.

Now, of course kids doesn't equal running through meadows and heart-bursting joy 24/7. But the responses by readers surprised me. Some saying they are thoroughly unhappy since having dc. Some say wish they hadn't have them. Lots of childless-by-choice people saying parents are a miserable, stressed bunch of lunatics.

Bloody hell, my dc drive me mad and it's tough, but they make me so happy on a fundamental 'life has meaning/I feel all warm and fuzzy when I look at your faces' level...

OP posts:
MathsMadMummy · 29/07/2010 13:41

I wholeheartedly agree with you proudnsad. I ache with pride for my DCs, and often they make me smile/laugh so much my face actually hurts! I can't believe they came out of me

I wonder if childless people are sometimes more likely to see the negatives of parenting because you can't possibly know how much happiness it brings you.

I was quite unusual in that I decided to have children young (as opposed to them being 'accidents') - 19 when first got pregnant. my mum especially was worried I was giving up a lot, but she (and everyone else!) can see that it was absolutely the right decision.

huffythethreadslayer · 29/07/2010 13:42

I posted a reply, but I don't think it's published yet, saying I love parenting. It doesn't make me unhappy at all!

What makes me laugh is that some people think having kids will automatically make them happy...like it's a magic wand that wipes out all the bad stuff in your life. I know that during the early days of dd's life, we had way more pressure than we'd ever had before. We argued more and we drove each other nuts, but...it was part sleep deprivation and exhaustion and it passed.

DD is now 9 and as a family unit, we're doing alright. Sure, she drives me nuts sometimes and I have phases where I think I'm turning into my own mum, but on the whole, we're just about as happy as it's possible to be.

YANBU (I think!)..

themildmanneredjanitor · 29/07/2010 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheAtomicBum · 29/07/2010 13:48

I total agree. I had my first DC at 21 (found on my 21st b/day - what a present!). I here many people older than I am 5 years later saying that they fear it would ruin their life to have kids .

I wonder if they just don't see how great it would be, or if they are just extremely selfish.

Another peer, on the other hand, commented how great itm ust be to now have 2 DC's and a dog jump all over me when I get in from work .

Life may not be as "free" as it was (what seems like) another lifetime ago, but life is certainly more meaningful now (even if didn't become rich and famous as i'd intended).

runnybottom · 29/07/2010 13:50

I think having children has made me happier than anything I've done or had before.

BUT

Its also made me unhappier than anything else as well.

Its like love and hate, innit, both sides of the same coin.

Chil1234 · 29/07/2010 14:03

My conclusion is that some people either have too-optimistic 'Rom-Com' expectations of family life (and I include spouses in that as well as children) and feel let down that the reality doesn't match up ... or.... they are just miserable types that would complain even if they won £1m on the lottery. Childless people probably do wonder why child-bore stressed-out parents bothered to have kids in the same way that single people wonder why on earth those who moan about their 'DH' and 'DW's put up with it.

nagoo · 29/07/2010 14:26

I'm definitely happier, laugh more, get more joy out of everyday things since I have my DS.

undercovamutha · 29/07/2010 14:38

Its highs and lows isn't it? And that's the beauty of having relationships, loving people etc etc.

I would NEVER say I was unhappy as a result of having children. Sometimes when DH gets home from work I am at the stage of considering smacking my head repeatedly against a wall, and other days I have a big list of lovely/hilarious/crazy things the DCs have said or done.

But overall they make me happy, they give me a wonderful purpose, and they amaze me.

Jane054848 · 29/07/2010 14:43

I was reading the other day that EVERY study that's been done, except one in Denmark, concludes that being a parent makes you less happy.

I just don't really understand it - because I don't know anyone that it's true for.

However I did read one comment in the summary that made me laugh, because it's so true (with toddlers anyway): "they are the source of your greatest joy, but they turn every other source of joy to shit".

But, it's worth it!

minxofmancunia · 29/07/2010 14:57

TBH I'm not sure, I adore my dcs I would die for them I think they're absolutely lovely and I'd sooner have them than not.....but,

I'm constantly irritable and i don't enjoy it a lot of the time, I think it's because I find it so so bloody boring in all honesty. Saying that they have brought me moments of pure joy because i love them so much but all in all, although the slogs worth it I think I was generally happier pre child. Certainly on a more even keel re my mood.

I hated pregnancy and breastfeeding and me and dh literally used to just have fun pre dc, that's pretty much what we did, lived hedonistic lives. He's adjusted better than me to parenthood, he absolutely loves it, I feel like a drudge a lot of the time and quite trapped.

Our first dd was as a result of a contraceptive failure and I don't think I've ever got used to the uneasy feeling that there was so much more life I wanted to lead before children that's been snatched away. but it was my choice to have her and have ds my second. But I must be the only woman on Earth looking forward to being 40 as they'll both be at school then and I feel like I can start getting some freedom back.

Original poster
proudnsad · 29/07/2010 15:21

Mathsandmummy - yes I think you're right about some childless people only seeing the practicalities without the emotion. Parenthood would be HORRENDOUS without the love you feel for the dc. I mean ffs, sleepless nights, years of being skint, pretty much never doing anything YOU want to do. But that's my whole point of this thread, despite all that horror, it's generally wonderful (for me anyhoo) because you love their annoying little arses so much.

I have a friend who has no dp or kids (not through choice unfortunately). She never fails to shock me with the things she says to we mum friends eg 'I know I shouldn't really want kids, considering how awful the reality is from you lot'. She truly believes it's all awful because she hears all the harsh reality but doesn't feel the feeling (man).

Minx - are you SAHM? I've always worked. I am also irritable and find it hard work if with them all the time. The balance has been right for me personally, but that's only my personal view (she says quickly!!!).

OP posts:
FindingMyMojo · 29/07/2010 15:27

I love being a Mum - I was not miserable before but I am HAPPIER now

draftywindows · 29/07/2010 15:32

The people you love bring you both moments of great despair and sheer bliss. That is true of my husband and my child.

I suspect that people who feel having children has made them unhappy may answer honestly to an anonymous survey but not face to face.

minxofmancunia · 29/07/2010 15:36

proudansad am on mat leave at mo with ds (10m), he's completely adorable but am not really a baby person, I actually prefer 3 years up! Prob why I'm so despondent

Am back at work in Sept part time.

Would never do full time SAHM, would send me bonkers, although my job is tough too and I am looking for a new one! Working in CAMHS is tough when you've got your own.

Original poster
proudnsad · 29/07/2010 15:40

My job's v tough too Minx, but not as hard as being at home all the time so don't feel bad about it!

Finding - I am much, much happier too but also much more stressed/guilty/in danger of drowning by wine etc.

OP posts:
lazarusb · 29/07/2010 15:44

I adore mine and dislike the fact they seem to be getting older so quickly. They are wonderful and beautiful things.

Firawla · 29/07/2010 15:45

i've never come across anyone saying having dc makes them overall unhappier, i think the studies may be wrong cos it just seems a v weird findings
children do bring a lot of happiness and joy normally. if you are already unhappy and stay unhappy after dc, thats not the dc fault
but they can give you a focus in life and help u deal with unhappiness anyway because they bring you joy and keep you busy

TheAtomicBum · 29/07/2010 16:01

Studies can really show anything they want to show. It all depends on what questions are asked and how "happiness" is rated.

When you young and free, did you get up to more "fun" things? Depends on what you call fun. And were you more selfish then? Of course we all were. Nowadays, your priority is to make your DC's lives better.

Granted, I would certainly say life is more difficult now. You worry more, you get stressed a lot more, you've got a lot less time to yourself, etc etc.

But then, we come back to how you define happiness? Happiness and having care free fun are not exactly the same thing.

I would say that I was a fairly misserable person before having I met DP and had kids. I was, in general (an dispite a fairly active social life) lonely and bored. And now I cannot imagine coming home to anything else.

Even if DP is fuming or strssed about God knows what, or if DD has fed my credit card to the dog, or any other horrid things that could await me in an hours time.

Life is better now than it has ever been, and i wouldn't change it for anything.

OrmRenewed · 29/07/2010 16:04

Oh I am so fed up with that stupid research. Yes kids are exhausting, demanding, expensive yadda yadda yadda and my life is very different than before but I am not less happy. I am differently happy. And as an experience childrearing has been the most rewarding and exciting thing I've ever done. Wouldn't have missed it for worlds.

mayorquimby · 29/07/2010 16:07

"In fact quite the opposite, can make you very unhappy."

Hence the "CAN" some people they will some people they won't.
Any survey which attempts to quantify "happiness/satisfaction/any emotion" is doomed to failure as they're subjective terms.

ShirleyKnot · 29/07/2010 16:08

God, I think I wuld be really unhappy now if I hadn't had my children.

I think the absolute worse thing about being a parent is the overwhelming love I have for my boys, and hence the terrible fear of anything happening to them. I mean little stupid things as well as big awful things - DS1 had his hair cut last night, and I could tell he hated it, and I felt horrible for him - How stupid is that?

LimaCharlie · 29/07/2010 16:11

Totally agree - nothing has made me more fulfilled or given me greater joy than my gorgeous DC who are fighting in the garden

MathsMadMummy · 29/07/2010 16:13

yeah, the paranoia is horrible, especially with all the awful things you hear on the news.

slushy · 29/07/2010 16:15

OMG I was actually unhappy until I had children no confidence and as soon as I saw the perfect person I had made I was happy. I feel like children complete me. Now I have seen that I can do some things right I am a lot more confident of my abilities and generally happier.

LouMacca · 29/07/2010 16:18

I too think I would have been unhappy without children. We tried to have children for a long time and finally got lucky after our 3rd IVF attempt. I just don't know where my life would be now if IVF hadn't worked for us, it doesn't bear thinking about.

I look at my children and feel like my heart will bust with love, there is no feeling in the world that comes close to the feeling of being a mother.