feeling jealous and resentful of best friend's pregnancy

[helen196]

Lately I just can't stop crying and feeling jealousy towards my friends and resentment towards my partner. I hate the way I've become as I'm usually quite a happy person (certainly on the outside). I was forty last month and I think that's what's brought everything to a head.My partner is 6 years younger than me and we've been together for nearly 9 years. I'm just feeling that life is passing me by and there's nothing I can do about it. I am sick to death of having to pay for everything mortgage, bills, loan, car, food, everyone's christmas presents etc. myself. My partner is a self-employed joiner but has absolutely no ambition and admits that he's lazy and if he could, he wouldn't work at all. Any money he does earn goes straight on to his credit card bill or petrol and I don't see any contribution at all. I was made redundant 6 months ago and am working from home. I'm having to make do on about 25% less than I was on before which means that things are really tight. What makes things worse for me is that I had always wanted to have a family but he wasn't that bothered about having children. I had a miscarriage this time last year and a miscarriage about five years ago and we hardly ever have sex, so I just feel heartbroken that I'm never going to have a baby as I'm now getting quite old. My best friend, who has always said that she didn't really want kids is now 8 months pregnant. My other friends of the same age already have at least one child. Other friends who are much younger than me are pregnant and I'm having to watch them go through their pregnancy blissfully happy and talking about it all the time. I just go home and cry my eyes out. I'm happy for them but it makes me feel even worse about my own situation.

Oh no You poor thing I hink you need to give your dp a good kick up the arse, maybe go to couple relate so you can re-build your love and when you relationship is slightly more stable maybe start trying for a baby.

YANBU. You have just said yourself that you are happy for them, but the positive things that are happening in your friend's lives are making you feel worse about your own situation. That's what the problem is, you are not happy with your own life, so you are probably being an amazing friend to all these others by listening to them talk about their happiness, when it's obviously very hard for you. Is there anything you think you could do to change your situation?

It's not unreasonable to compare what might have been in your own life with others and then feel down about the discrepancies. There's a difference, however, between bad choices and bad luck. The miscarriages are bad luck... your partner sounds like a bad choice. Once you realise that you can't change your luck but you can change your choices you'll probably feel better about yourself.

So if you really want a baby, go for it and have one. Many of us bypass the 'partner' route and go it alone. It's very life-enhancing.

I really hate myself for feeling like this. My partner is very loving and affectionate towards me, but we just don't have a physical relationship (well hardly ever). It feels like I'm his mother sometimes rather than his girlfriend. If I start crying he never knows what to do or say. I often wish that my dad was still around to talk to him but he died when I was 14.

You are going to have to tell him all this. If he loves you he'll care. Your feelings are bringi g things to a head to force a change - it is 'nt natural to go through life without different life stages and goals to look forward to. Start to plan other things with him - a road trip a mortgage holiday whatever and if he won 't join in plan without him. At 39 I did iui on my own because my partner didn't want children. We stayed partners but I wld have been a single mum. Didn't work but I felt much happier for taking control of my destiny. As it happens things shifted and we are now trying together. Stop feeling stuck and take action. Good luck!

How did your partner take your decision to do iui, Honeywitch?

Confident, caring women often attract immature, needy men that see tham as mother substitutes. It'll go on that way as long as you let it. The conversation to have is... where do you see us in 5 or 10 years' time? If you have very different ideas about the future someone has to change outlook or the relationship is at a natural end. There are worse things than not having a partner.

You're right Chil1234. My partner came straight from living at his Mum's to living with me. We haven't really got enough room here and I would dearly love to move house, but there's no chance of that as things stand. He's quite happy living here as it's in a much nicer area than where he grew up, but because I've worked hard all my life I feel like I ought to be living somewhere with a bit more space (which we would be able to do if he contributed - resentment again!)

I really feel for you, helen.

I do think you MUST have a frank conversation with him very soon. How do you each see the future? Do you want the same things?

If you want a child, you must lay your cards on the table now. That is the big issue here.

Your DP's attitude towards money and finances also needs to be addressed. It is not OK for him to simply 'admit' to being lazy and having no ambition if it means you have to pick up the slack.

Good luck.

He said I had to do qhat ineeded to but he didn't want to be involved. He said he didn't want to split up either so we separated into separate houses and still saw each other. When it failed he agreed to do ivf with me on similar terms. This also failed, but then we had a natural pregnan y and sadly an mc. We are now one household again and actively trying. If it doesn't happen for us at least I lnow he lovesme enough to support me in wanting a family despite his inotial feelings. The great thing a out de idi g to do the iui was it freed me from the resentment I was feeling. Sorry dreadful typing on mobile!

It?s so sad and so hard trying to be positive about your own life when TTC, especially when other people seem to do it so easily. I say ?seem? as we don?t really know how hard it is for other people either, and we all have our issues. I have been there, OP, and smiling through gritted teeth when yet another friend says they?re pregnant is so wearying. FWIW, I thought I would never ever become a Mummy, and even though we didn?t do it the conventional way, I am 37 and my darling little son is upstairs asleep in his cot right now. You are allowed to feel jealous, resentful and happy for them all at the same time, and you?re allowed to give yourself a break.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to feel the way that you do - it's perfectly natural. Your partner seems to be relatively lackadaisical about his life, taking things as they come so I think you need to give him an ultimatum. It may be that, if he is a gentle and easy-going man, he would be perfect 'stay at home father' material and you could be the main breadwinner...? That might work quite well because it sounds like you're pretty much fulfilling those roles already.

I really hope it works for you and please don't give up hope. One of my friends fell pregnant with her first child at 40 three months into a new relationship and then followed the birth with another less than 18 months later, which is a wonderful testament to how our bodies can sometimes surprise us.

I, on the other hand needed IVF but became a mother at nearly 42. It would be VERY worth while to ask for a referral to your local NHS fertility clinic though and have your FSH and LH levels recorded as these will give a very good indication of your ovarian function - how many eggs are left and how hard your body is having to work to ripen and release them each month.

Please don't give up hope.

Your post hit a nerve with me OP, as I'm currently pg but my best and dearest friend had had 2 mcs and is losing heart at ever becoming a mother.

If I could have one wish in this world it would be that she too would have a healthy pregnancy, she wants and deserves it so much.

It's easy to say, but the grass isn't always greener, however it looks. I'm worried about all sorts of stuff, and I envy my childless friends and think 'what the fuck have I done' etc all the time. I'm your age too.

Having a baby involves giving up loads of stuff - I'm learning this every day. Please don't see it as 'baby = good, no baby = bad' as it is just so much more complicated than that, certainly in my experience anyway.

You aren't ancient, there are all sorts of options still open to you. That woman in the Guardian had a baby at 47, so don't lose heart, but also don't lose sight of the life you could be enjoying in the meantime. Sorry if I've rambled or talked pish.

I think the problem is more to do with being in a relationship with a selfish person than your friends baby.

Sit him down and tell him what you want - if he wants the same things then he'll work at them with you, if he doesn't then time to move on.

OP,forty is no age these days. Many of my friends have conceived and they have been even older than you. I do think that you have to talk to your partner about sorting himself out with regards to finances etc. There is nothing wrong with financially supporting ones dp, but he admits that he is lazy, so there is probably little chance of things improving.