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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu- what would you do?

27 replies

chloebe · 28/07/2010 21:14

i am prepared for backlash etc but not sure where else to post this. My friend who has a beautiful dd who she has never really bonded with is pg again and is desperate for a boy. she even gets dd to say her brother is cooking in there. she is due to find out sex in 3 weeks. however in an earlier scan the doctor told her that her baby has a hole in its heart and she has still continued to smoke.
i wouldn't stick my nose in and have a go as i understand that some pg women can't give up the fags due to pressure and stress (altho i managed to twice while pg and have never started again since giving up when i found out i was pg with dd2) but surely if you know your baby has a heart defect no matter how small, surely you would give the lo a fighting chance?

OP posts:
Original poster
chloebe · 28/07/2010 21:19

bump- how impatient am i???!

OP posts:
wukter · 28/07/2010 21:20

Do what exactly? Tell her smoking is bad? She knows.

Original poster
chloebe · 28/07/2010 21:22

i don't know- does she? because if she does know its so bad, why would she be doing it?

OP posts:
Original poster
chloebe · 28/07/2010 21:23

plus no, i wouldn't have a moan at her because she may be super stressed altho i know her very well and doesn't seem to be but then who knows what goes on behnd closed doors, but maybe i just need to vent as i can't to her

OP posts:
MrsRhettButler · 28/07/2010 21:23

i rarely judge but smoking when you know your baby has a hole in their heart!!

MrsRhettButler · 28/07/2010 21:24

i would totally tell her my feelings on the matter too!!

loopyloops · 28/07/2010 21:25

Of course she knows smoking is bad.

What is your point exactly? The smoking? The boy/girl thing? The lack of bonding? Sounds to me like you just want to have a go at this "friend". Leave her alone and focus your bitterness elsewhere.

wukter · 28/07/2010 21:25

She must do Chloebe, who the hell doesn't these days.

LimaCharlie · 28/07/2010 21:26

There seem to be a lot of issues in this friendship - what are you wanting us ot say?

Original poster
chloebe · 28/07/2010 21:27

i haven't gone into the ins and outs- just mentioned some key things about her situation. i am not being mean just trying to get some focus on why she is doing it, I can't confront her without upsetting her

OP posts:
Original poster
chloebe · 28/07/2010 21:28

the only issue is the smoking really for the above reasons. just wanted to give a bit of background. i just needed somewhere to vent really

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/07/2010 21:29

don't "confront" her, fgs

her baby, her life, her choice

you don't seem to like her very much, so just cool the "friendship" if all these issues bother you so much

SenoraPostrophe · 28/07/2010 21:29

don't judge. even for smoking.

can they really find a hole in the heart before they find out the sex?

AnyFucker · 28/07/2010 21:30

yes, senora

and tbh, although I am opposed to smoking in pg, the hole is already there

smoking now won't make it any "worse"

Original poster
chloebe · 28/07/2010 21:31

apparently so on private scans, don't know never had the situation myself.
i'm sorry but i have to be honest and say i have already judged, i'm not proud of it, nor do i want you guys to condone it, just needed to get it out, feeling better already, i wouldn't confront her dont worry.

OP posts:
MrsRhettButler · 28/07/2010 21:32

i smoked a little while pg, so i do know how difficult it can be to give up but wow, the baby is already sick, why make it harder for the poor little thing?!

Original poster
chloebe · 28/07/2010 21:33

if anything i probably need to support her more and not get hung up on the negatives

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/07/2010 21:36

have a rant privately, no problem with that

RunawayWife · 28/07/2010 21:37

Maybe she just does not care
YANBU

lazarusb · 28/07/2010 21:53

Bear in mind the hole in the heart could be a sign of other conditions too, either way, your friend and her dd will need your support. I have a friend who recently miscarried having smoked & drank (not excessively but daily) but judging her wouldn't have helped anyone and may not have even been connected.

aliasdictus · 29/07/2010 11:01

Just a bit of information, ALL babies have a hole in the heart, it is to bypass the lungs which are not working when in utero, at birth a sort of flap valve covers the hole and usually seals in a few days, redirecting the blood flow through the lungs. That is why newborns may appear a bit blue initially. If it stays open after then it can be treated. Apart from that there are other congenital defects that a baby might be found to have but none seem to be a result of smoking. Perhaps your friend is dreadfully stressed and her smoking is the only way she can cope with the situation. It may not be ideal but is understandable and perhaps she needs unconditional support.

lazarusb · 29/07/2010 15:40

alias- I wasn't aware of that..I just mentioned it as it was flagged up as a 'soft marker' to us when 20wk scan took place with dc3.

MathsMadMummy · 29/07/2010 15:44

maybe she feels that if stopping smoking, while obviously helping, won't actually get rid of the problem altogether, then there's no point in stopping IYSWIM

Lizzzombie · 29/07/2010 15:52

Could you mention just in passing that some Health Authorities have scheme which reward pregnant mothers with cash if they give up smoking whilst pregnant.

Not sure if its all health authorities, but ours does.

scaryteacher · 29/07/2010 17:47

My ds was born with a hole in his heart, and I don't smoke....he is now a strapping lad of almost 15. He had one op to see how large the hole was, dye through his veins, and it's closed as far as it ever will on it's own.

She needs support not judging; yes, smoking is bad, but if you can reassure her that an ASD or a VSD isn't too bad, she may stop as she is less stressed.