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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Children travelling to stay with their dad

17 replies

Mummyella · 28/07/2010 13:04

I really would like some opinions on this. My children are 4 and 6 and I am divorced from their Dad. Things are quite difficult between me and ex, but the children love their daddy and enjoy time with him and I have always supported them staying with him. We have agreed that he can care for them every other weekend and half of school holidays - but he lives in London and I live in Liverpool. Until recently he has often come up to Merseyside to see them rather than them travelling down, but now he is more settled he wants them to go to him every other week. It would mean a 4 hr train journey on Friday after school and another on Sunday. I just think this is way too much and want him to carry on visiting them here apart from holidays and one visit every half term. AIBU??

OP posts:

gerontius · 28/07/2010 13:05

I don't think it's fair to ask your children to travel 8 hours in a weekend, every other week.

GypsyMoth · 28/07/2010 13:08

its a bit far admittedly....how can he afford those trips? and did you move away or him?

ageing5yearseachyear · 28/07/2010 13:09

seems a long old journey for ones so small- who would be travelling with them? him or you? assume it is him- he will do it a few times and see how difficult it is (or not- they might love it)

why not compromise and suggest doing it once a month until they are a bit bigger and used to it?

thb can understand him wanting to take them to his home and spend some proper time with them

Deliaskis · 28/07/2010 13:13

8 hours a weekend travelling sounds a lot, if it's every other week. Is that a door-to-door journey time?

Who would accompany them on the train?

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/07/2010 13:15

I think it's not so bad. It is better for them to see their father than not.

My XP was an arsewipe in many ways, but he religiously picked his chikdren up on a Friday and dropped them back Sunday (every fortnight). He lived in Devon and the kids lived in Nottingham, so was a fair trek (he left work on Friday lunchtime, got to Nottingham 4ish, got back to Devon 8ish. Going back left Sunday at midday and dropped them home at tea time.

The kids never minded the journey at all, they were just happy to see their dad.

If neither of you are going to move, this is something the kids will have to get used to sooner or later.

Original poster

Mummyella · 28/07/2010 13:15

They do find the journey tiring and the younger one complains but not to the extent of not wanting to go. I do some of the trips - I am willing to do this as I was the one who moved away (for very good reasons - ex is very controlling and I needed family support) - and yes it is a burden (cost wise) but I prioritise it as I think a relationship with their dad is really important.

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/07/2010 13:17

Sorry - misunderstood your OP. Didn't realise it was train journeys and YOU are paying.

That is actually not fair on you at all. My ex used to pay all the petrol, if they were old enough to get the train on their own he would have paid the fares.

Can he not drive to collect them?

If not, compromise on meeting in Birmingham or somewhere else central, less burden of travelling with you.

And he needs to pay the kids and your fares I think.

It matters not who chose to move away.

Deliaskis · 28/07/2010 13:19

Perhaps he could come up once a month and they go down once a month? Might ease the travelling for the littl'uns and share the burden between you more?

Original poster

Mummyella · 28/07/2010 13:23

Thanks for all different viewpoints - helps me to think about it. A big consideration is trying to keep things nice between me and the ex - but I can't do that at the expense of the children if travelling is too stressful and tiring for them.

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/07/2010 13:33

Well, if you are happy to travel that far it is fair enough. To be honest I don't think it is too onerous for a child.

ChippingIn · 28/07/2010 13:39

I agree with Deliaskis - he comes up one visit, they go to him next visit so it only ends up with them doing the journey approximately once a month and if I were you, I would say he comes to get them one time, you take them the next time they are going down to him (I assume you stay with friends in London when you do this rather than doing 2 trips??). They can also go to him for his 'share' of the holidays.

Where does he stay when he comes up?

I disagree with GOML (which is unusual in itself!) I think if one parent chooses to move away, that parent should pay most, if not all, of the cost of the children getting to see their other parent, however, as you moved away largely because of his controlling behaviour then I think he should pay at least half.

Original poster

Mummyella · 28/07/2010 17:04

He used to stay in my house when he came up, and I went to stay with my mum whilst he was here - perfect for the children as no disruption, but that arrangement collapsed after he (predictably) used the opportunity to spy on me - so then he stayed in a hotel either with or without the children(v expensive). He has an open invitation to stay with my parents or a friend.

When I take the children I sometimes stay down in London and sometimes come straight back. I do feel I have some responsibility to share the cost and inconvenience - but I just want the arrangement to be best for the kids as they have been through a lot. I think I am going to limit the trips to London to once a month. I can see this ending up in court though as I don't think he will agree

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 28/07/2010 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hairytriangle · 28/07/2010 18:43

As you moved away then you have to do more to preserve contact with their dad I'm afraid.

ChippingIn · 28/07/2010 19:26

Well, if it has to go to court, it has to go to court. I think though, that you need to be prepared to say why you moved away if it goes that far. I'd hope they would take that into consideration, as well as the age of your children and agree that every second visit he comes to see them and he can have them every other visit and in the holidays at his house.

I also think, as I said before, on the weekends they do go to his, you should take them one visit he should come and get them the next. You shouldn't have to do all of the 'accompanying' of them to his house.

Hairytriangle - she had to move away because he was controlling, so I think that he has to do more than his 'share' of the travelling - ie he caused the problem, he needs to take the brunt of that.

Original poster

Mummyella · 28/07/2010 19:56

The thing that worries me is really whether all that time travelling and the disjointed life is best for the children - Good to hear from GetOff that it probably won't kill them . Thanks for the support Chippingin (and I don't do all the travelling - sharing the burden and cost of this is one of the very few things that we haven't argued about [shocked]).

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 28/07/2010 20:03

Mummyella - don't worry about the disjointed life... sadly, it's not like they are the only kids to be doing this. Some of them survive through a much more 'disjointed' life and come out the other end just fine.

Better this than you having stayed with their Dad x

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